anger

[Blueberry]

I came on here ready to be angry at FOO, especially at enF but it seems to have all disappeared.

I'm so angry that enF went behind my back to get information about me from friends. He claimed to be worried about me. Why?? I wrote that I was OK. Sure he wants a more detailed answer but I don't owe him one. I'm an adult! I'm not as his beck and call anymore to do what he wants.

I feel like telling him that you don't always get what you want in life.  I certainly don't. FOO including enF has been telling me to put up and shut up for decades. And again and again: where were they (my parents) when I was a child and needed them? Or even at last Horrendous FOO Event? I could have done with help then too. The other sibling refused but FOO mbrs send their "love" via enF. It's nauseating. How can you possibly call that "love"? 

[finallyfree]

Dear Blurberry,
I am so sorry for you and I completely understand. I found out two days ago that one of my cousins daughters has been bashing me behind my back for years. And I have only seen her maybe three times in her life and given her money every time she sent an invitation to my home. Also her mother is a real piece of work and I have only felt sorry for her and helped her and been kind??? This of course comes from my piece of * covert narc mother and father. They have always dumped their crap on me the only responsible functional one that lives in close proximity to them and does not live a life of complete chaos, lies and pretending to be pious and religious. They have lately sent their flying monkeys to find out things about me? I have decided crazy never takes a holiday and every time I hear some mean lie they have told about me I will just start telling the truth about them! Sorry I did not mean to make this about me, just wanted to explain why I understand you so well. I also justvtell myself they are so far beneath me they just aren't worth it, even though it still does hurt. I hope my story helps you a little and I am thinking of you and sending you big hugs and kindness! 

[finallyfree]

Blueberry it's most definitely not love! It's them dumping all of their bad behavior on you to attempt to make themselves appear ok and never ever having to confront their own faults and abusive behavior. Your their dumping ground just like I am to my own former family. It's abuse, not love! They play favorites with the weak minded and the ones that go along with it all and sabotage and scapegoat the smartest, most emotionally intelligent and willing to voice their own opinions. Like yourself!!!!! You are in good company, I promise you I am an awesome, caring person too!

[Blueberry]

Yes, finallyfree, all that! Thank you so much for validating. It helps. 

It's still difficult to believe that I am the most emotionally intelligent in FOO because that voice (ICr.) still pops up and says "How can that be? You're so dumb and have achieved so little in life." But FOO abused me so much I believed that, they groomed me into thinking that from a young age. I'm not dumb and considering the burdens i'm carrying and the obstacles FOO puts in my path, I've achieved quite a lot. It's difficult to say that, I'm embarrassed. Maybe ashamed. But I know that these too are emotions FOO dumped on me so they didn't feel it for their own behaviour.

I got up this morning with a ready-made email in my head but as soon as I got to the computer it disappeared. I know it's because I'm frightened of standing up to enF. I'm not even worried about an exact consequence like he'll decide "No money for you" (that's fairly unlikely actually, that's not quite how FOO works), I'm just frightened which means it's a thing left over from childhood, from teenage years, probably also from when I confronted enF about an incident from my student days and how he reacted then (turned it into something humorous though it wasnt at all). Then during this confrontation about maybe 6 years ago enF turned on his logic, rational side so much, I realised that's what he'd always been like. I realised he didn't care enough about me either. He cared more about setting the argument straight with "logic" than he did about my feelings. That hurt so much I ended up completely dissociated on the closed ward. He said afterwards he couldn't even remember what we'd being arguing about. I merely said: "I can."

Though I have set enF a limit once since then. Last year, also by email, also after summoning up lots of courage. And after my T vetted my one-liner email for me so that I wasn't doing any JADE or otherwise throwing myself inadvertently under the bus. Unfortunately I have no idea when my next T appointment is so I'll have to decide by myself.

Maybe I could do a round of EFT like "I love and accept myself even if FOO doesn't" (just popped into my head) to strengthen myself a bit. Or a round of Screen Processing to reduce the emotional power enF still has over me, the fear he still evokes in me.

[finallyfree]

I so understand you! It's that fear they have instilled in us for the reaction we will get if they don't get their way! Why we walked on eggshells our entire lives with them. My former FOO smear campaigns me to everyone who will listen to this day, after they disowned me and I walked away two years ago! Because they are awful but also it wasn't what they really wanted? These people are not only abusive but extremely toxic! I am better than them, and above it and them. The more I tell myself this truth the better I feel. I am sure it will work for you too if you try it. I guarantee you, your a hundred times better than they are and above it all and them. Chin up sister! We are in this together!  Turn that frown upside down and have a good day!

[Kizzie]

I so get this BB and I'm sorry you are having to deal with that lingering fear of your F.  When I went to my therapy session yesterday the same issue came up.  Although my NPDM doesn't loom as large as she once did, younger me is still deeply afraid she will annihilate me with her anger, that she is not strong enough to stand up to a concerted attack. It's something we're going to tackle with EMDR to process the trauma of being made to feel this way as a child, and then shift the belief that I am still so vulnerable and my M can destroy me. 

I don't know if this is what's going on with you but thought I'd mention it in case it resonates.

 

[Blueberry]

I have no idea if my FOO smear campaigns me or not. I think the 'smear' is more within FOO including sibs and their spouses and maybe towards my uncles, but outside extended FOO it's more a show of "we care and worry so much about poor sick and sometimes crazy Blueberry" with  added "Look how she treats us" (Poor us).

Actually sentences like "I'm better than them" don't work for me much if at all before I've done some or even tons of deep healing work on what's behind. I'm happy they work for you, finallyfree, and for others on here.

I did my round of EFT "I love and accept myself even if FOO doesn't" (a round for me is 3x through) sometimes altering it to "even if enF doesn't" and yawned a lot, a good sign. Then I tried out Screen Processing with enF on the screen. It went really quickly, me putting up imaginary barricades and protective measures. As soon as I did that, the connector between me and enF disintegrated. But while one of my helpers was over by me and I was concentrating on myself, enF magicked something over that was similar to what my helper was adminstrating. I was confused at first then realised the inappropriateness and danger of this object and discarded it. Other helpers came, new barricades up. That was OK then. enF gone.

I went into the garden for a bit to re-ground by working with my hands and being surrounded by fresh air and earthy planty smells and also doing something towards my own upkeep. There are plants I eat and I was rejuvenating these so that there will be another harvest before winter

finallyfree, I actually have been having a good day inspite of all this. New development that this sort of stuff doesn't throw me completely. Although there are a number of things I wanted to get on with today for clients, to do with my bike, that kind of thing, which I haven't so I do know this kind of topic with FOO still has a big influence but just not as big as in previous months and years.

[Blueberry]

I so get this BB and I'm sorry you are having to deal with that lingering fear of your F.  When I went to my therapy session yesterday the same issue came up.  Although my NPDM doesn't loom as large as she once did, younger me is still deeply afraid she will annihilate me with her anger, that she is not strong enough to stand up to a concerted attack. It's something we're going to tackle with EMDR to process the trauma of being made to feel this way as a child, and then shift the belief that I am still so vulnerable and my M can destroy me. 

I don't know if this is what's going on with you but thought I'd mention it in case it resonates.

Thanks for mentioning it Kizzie. That certainly sounds familiar. And sort of logical too. I wasn't strong enough emotionally to stand up to a concerted attack from enF last time. That's why I dissociated so badly. It's not just younger me in childhood etc that couldn't. Adult me couldn't either. Though I did survive physically, I could remind myself of that. Only so much of the trauma in FOO was emotional/psychological annihilation that it's not surprising I'm still afraid of annihilation by those means.

I'm only just beginning to realise and admit to myself (in past year) that enF played a huge role in development of my cptsd. Not just enabling but covertly contributing big time. I've heard in therapy (not from my current therapist) that there's a 'head-honco' role in your FOO and today after my gardening it suddenly occurred to me, maybe it's enF after all?? Working like a marionette artist behind the scenes, manipulating FOO mbrs against each other, allowing uBPDM to get the flak, including from himself, making it look as if he's completely innocent and in fact suffering because all of this. Anyway, my current T encourages me to avoid getting caught up in trying to diagnose or comprehend FOO since that pulls me closer to them. I note that taking place rn.

[finallyfree]

Blueberry,
You sound like such a warm wonderful person and I am so glad you are doing what works for you to get through this and care most importantly for yourself. I applaud  how well you have handled it. I wish you all the best. One thing you said that resonates with me is that you feel like you have done pretty well despite them. I too feel like I have done well for and by myself despite the albatross they all have been around my neck my entire life. I feel like I was born and literally had no one to help me, look after me, or care about me. I have been their whipping post my whole life. But no more! The road blocks they put up in my way at every turn are finally removed. All my former FOO can do now is continue to lie about me and they do disguise it with their fake concern and poor them look what I have done to them, never once mentioning how they have treated me or what they said to me. I look at it like one of those board walk games you play but never ever win. In essence my life with my family, it was rigged and I was never going to ever win their love and affection. Hope this helps you in some way. Let me know how your feeling and I am happy to listen and empathize always!  big hug!
Finallyfree

[Blueberry]

This is from a post of mine back in June of this year:

"What enF did and I see as betrayal was: appear to support me emotionally and then go behind my back and either support somebody else instead like B1 or else make fun of me with this person. Or maybe both.
That's enough on this topic for today. "

So that's what F does: He pretends he's on my side and then he betrays me. I feel with contacting a friend of mine and then her husband when he didn't get through immediately, he was betraying me again, in  a way. He's showing "look poor me, poor concerned father, my daughter doesn't even tell me how she's doing, I'm soooo worried about her". My friend's husband will lap that up.

I sent my email a few minutes ago to enF and turned off my email program to be on the safe side. Grr. Grr = anger. My face feels as if set in anger rn. That's good. I'm not completely numb and zoned out despite sending a critical email to F. Oh my, oh my, how could I say something critical to F?

[finallyfree]

Awww, I understand so well, the same scenario is being repeated in my life too. It's very wrong and confusing because you want to love them and believe them. Do what you must to protect and care for you!!!! Proud of you! 

[Blueberry]

Thank you finallyfree for all your support and validation on this thread 

[Kizzie]

I sent my email a few minutes ago to enF and turned off my email program to be on the safe side. Grr. Grr = anger. My face feels as if set in anger rn. That's good. I'm not completely numb and zoned out despite sending a critical email to F.

Well that sure sounds like progress to me BB  and  

[Blueberry]

Thanks! Although I'm not feeling the anger much atm, it feels as if I'm on the cusp of something, like more healing. As if having overcome my terrible fear and set enF a limit, I'll be able to move onto something with my younger brother, who needs to hear something from me too. That's been waiting two years.

I also feel more ability to at least think "The * with you all" (all the FOO adults except one SIL). It's probably not helpful to write it to them but just feeling it again is empowering. Also I remember quite a while ago my T was working on me saying/shouting "I am not the family garbage dump!!". The fact that I'm remembering that again now suggests to me I'm beginning to apply the knowledge in dealings with FOO. 

[finallyfree]

 Blueberry,

It is definitely progress and so scary and hard to do. I am so happy for you and proud of you! I feel the exact same way! No longer the family trash can and dumping ground for all of their abuse!!!!
Keep healing and taking your power
back. 
Finallyfree