I thought I knew what "empathy" was - maybe not?

[voicelessagony2]

I always thought I knew what empathy and emotional intelligence were, but right now I'm beginning to have second thoughts. I think it might be possible that I have mistakenly given myself a pass on this topic because I am extremely sensitive, but I never really stopped to think about it or explore with an open mind. Sensitive may not necessarily equate to empathy.

For example, I feel intense sadness and outrage when I learn about innocent people thrown in prison, child abuse, animal abuse, endangered species, etc., but whatever you want to call that, it does not necessarily, in my case anyway, interpret into everyday interactions with people - at home or in a work environment.

I just finished a book called "Strengths Finder 2.0" and although I did not take their test, I read all 34 of the strengths descriptions with as much of an open mind as I could muster, and I was quite surprised that the description of "Empathy" did not completely resonate with me, not nearly as much as several other areas. I always thought of myself as empathetic, but maybe I'm not! I think it's a common mistake people make, to give themselves too much credit in some areas, and too little in others, and never re-evaluate.

I found this article in Forbes about it: http://www.forbes.com/sites/travisbradberry/2014/01/09/emotional-intelligence/

From the article:
"Self-Awareness is your ability to accurately perceive your emotions and stay aware of them as they happen.
Self-Management is your ability to use awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and positively direct your behavior.
Social Awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on.
Relationship Management is your ability to use awareness of your emotions and the others' emotions to manage interactions successfully."

I would honestly give myself low scores in all four of those areas, but especially the first two. I can see how my CPTSD symptoms have directly affected my ability to form quality relationships with people. Specifically, I think I have been so constantly overwhelmed by powerful emotions I could not understand, that there was no self-awareness at all. How could I possibly interpret other people's emotions and respond appropriately, when my judgment was constantly clouded with my own confusing feelings?

This might sound like a bleak assessment of my situation, but it actually gives me a lot of hope. This is an important piece of the puzzle that has been missing, and now that I know about it, I can start the process of learning how to work around this handicap while I continue to work on other coping skills.

[schrödinger's cat]

Same here. In my case, the problem was that I was convinced that relationships are impossible, and that the most I could hope for was a shallow exchange of pleasantries without a true meeting of minds (if that doesn't sound too sappy). Also, no one ever empathized with me, so I simply had no idea how it worked. Sorry, that sounds too "boo hoo, woe is me", and it's not. Realizing all that was actually a huge relief. Relationships aren't truly impossible. That's just something my early life has led me to believe. A fallacy. It's not the truth. It is possible to truly interact with people. Knowing that feels good. I just wish I'd realized all that when I was, oh, thirteen. Then I wouldn't have spent so many years and decades basically shut in within myself. Empathy lets you visit other people's worlds, so I imagine it must feel a lot less claustrophobic.

[voicelessagony2]

Same here. In my case, the problem was that I was convinced that relationships are impossible, and that the most I could hope for was a shallow exchange of pleasantries without a true meeting of minds (if that doesn't sound too sappy). Also, no one ever empathized with me, so I simply had no idea how it worked. Sorry, that sounds too "boo hoo, woe is me", and it's not. Realizing all that was actually a huge relief. Relationships aren't truly impossible. That's just something my early life has led me to believe. A fallacy. It's not the truth. It is possible to truly interact with people. Knowing that feels good. I just wish I'd realized all that when I was, oh, thirteen. Then I wouldn't have spent so many years and decades basically shut in within myself. Empathy lets you visit other people's worlds, so I imagine it must feel a lot less claustrophobic.

No, I don't hear any "boo hoo" at all. Not sappy.

It would be nearly impossible for others to empathize with us. The key to all these definitions is "emotion," and since a key indicator of CPTSD is basically broken emotions, how can the un-broken ever be expected to understand? It's like describing color to a blind person. There is no frame of reference. When I started to understand that, it was a relief to me, too. I no longer felt aggravation or resentment toward people, and I stopped trying to explain the unexplainable. I started to appreciate their intention, and no longer felt stung by their failure to "get me."

[schrödinger's cat]

That sounds doable. If it's very clear to me that my experiences were in fact NOT ordinary, then it's easier to accept that people don't really get it. After all, how could they?

[anosognosia]

I always thought I knew what empathy and emotional intelligence were, but right now I'm beginning to have second thoughts. I think it might be possible that I have mistakenly given myself a pass on this topic because I am extremely sensitive, but I never really stopped to think about it or explore with an open mind. Sensitive may not necessarily equate to empathy.

For example, I feel intense sadness and outrage when I learn about innocent people thrown in prison, child abuse, animal abuse, endangered species, etc., but whatever you want to call that, it does not necessarily, in my case anyway, interpret into everyday interactions with people - at home or in a work environment.

With regards to getting upset when hearing about grave injustices like indicting an innocent person, could it be that there is some projection? It's hardest to advocate that much for ourselves, but seeing a surrogate target chanels that emotion we deep down buried.

I've been reading up on different attachment patterns, and the one I identify with the most is called anxious-preoccupied, which have been shown to have higher emotional sensitivity than the other attachment types.  We are sensitive in picking out emotions in others, but since it's part of the hypervigilence reaction in a quest to be safe, sometimes the knee jerk interpretation (especially when a scenario doesn't pertain to you) can be mis-interpreted by the anxioius preoccupied.  It's only after they're allowed to calm down that they see the identified emotions more objectively and can draw a rational (and more accurate) conclusion as to what is going on and why.

...

[voicelessagony2]

With regards to getting upset when hearing about grave injustices like indicting an innocent person, could it be that there is some projection? It's hardest to advocate that much for ourselves, but seeing a surrogate target chanels that emotion we deep down buried.



...

Very much a possibility, never thought of it that way but it makes a lot of sense!