POSSIBLE TRIGGER My experience with food / body issues, as a symptom

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I got this

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Imy not sure yet , but it seems to.me as though the (my) father was the bully with his own unique blend of stress, paranoia,  loneliness and probably cptsd from his own life.   He took it out on me with anger , physical  and verbal hostility,  mocking.  It was a weird world.  One where I could be welcomed one minute and despised the next.  It certainly wasn't safe,  either physically or emotionally.

I wasn't the only one who suffered this.  My mum got it .  Name calling,  physical abuse,  control.   She was stressed and depressed to the max at times though feelings were smothered in our house so I felt all this but it was never acknowledged.   I heard her shrieks and cries though.  And their hollering.   

I'm not sure if mums eating to cope was already a thing she did before dad,  but I noticed it happening.  And I joined in from an early age on the restriction diets.  And later , on my own,  I joined in on secret binging.  Then occasional purging.  Then my flight type enjoyed compulsive exercise! !  Then the burnt out body became sick and once again, numbed out (freeze type) with movies and binging.   As the weight went on and all the self loathing (dad's name calling and learnt isolation ) unconsciously took me down its path to nowhere,  I decided purging was my only option.  It was still only 'occasional' , but once I noticed I was up to once a week,  I knew I had a problem I couldn't solve alone.

I made myself stop and presumed fat fear would stop me binging but it didn't!  Fat fear didn't make me compulsively exercise either.  Or even moderately exercise!   This was something new I had no idea who I was now or how to handle it.
Glad to be rid of some behaviour but stuck with others!

That's when I went to doc and he told me about cptsd.  It made a lot of sense.
I've always had the food and body image issues, but I could never find a root cause for them.
no matter how closely I had looked , I could nor find anything rotten enough that happened to me.
I had decided years ago (wrongly it seems ) that I had food and body issues because I was brought up with them,  mirroring my mother and society in general.

What I had never seen clearly before is the harsh environment that both my mother and I were in.  The fat shaming,  the atmosphere of control and fear;  the needing to be something different to attempt to pacify the jekyll and Hyde that monitored us. 

Besides the family pain and feeling that,  I was blamed for my mother's breakdown (f you dad, you can take that one),  a robbery of my parents business,  I was punched, throttled,  left to pick myself up when I fell in a bed of nettles at 6 (dad walked off ), called all sorts of things like " unlovable,  cold hearted * (well yes u had become that by teens hadn't I! ), Noone will ever put up with you,  that won't last (any relationship ), fat, stupid,  horrid little girl ". 
I think that's enough for today.

Since I found about cptsd, I have taken a very low dose of a med to help with sleeping and have been having 3 meals a day.  It's like a switch flicked.
Acknowledgement is key.

And I guess I am just ripe for healing.
I've certainly put the yards in to get to this point.
Best wishes to all.

« Last Edit: September 16, 2018, 04:20:34 PM by Blueberry »