Afraid to make a decision

[Blueberry]

I suppose this is ICr. on the rampage. I bought a card and small present for one of the couples at the farm who had a baby a couple of days ago. I didn't need to but I wanted to. I asked another farm person today at the market for ideas and she gave me a few, one of which I decided to get. I took a long time to decide in the shop. Even though I know, I know, it's the thought that counts. Also: the proceeds from this shop go to support something this farm couple totally support themselves, so even if they didn't like the present, at least the money wasn't 'wasted' and anyway it's edible. If they don't want it, someone else on the farm will.

But none of those justifications help really. Because ICr. is not interested in that, ICr. absorbed FOO's constant criticism of me in every respect. This is not about: Can I make a good decision? This is about: Blueberry cannot be allowed to believe in herself in case the whole dysfunctional FOO construct comes tumbling down, hurting/destroying other FOO mbrs on the way. As usual it becomes clearer as I write about it. Regularly, I feel almost paralysed in decision-making because of this.

I feel better for having come onto the forum to write about it and to read other posts.

[Sceal]

Dear Blueberry,
I can relate to the problems with indesicion. Although our reasons for why this is a problem, I can relate to how difficult this is.
I think you are showing a great deal of understanding where these thoughts are coming from, and that's not nothing all of it's own. It might not help here and now, but I hope that soon knowing that these thoughts and ICr's were planted in you by someone else (your FOO) and are infact not actually you will help you.

And I just want to add that I think it is wonderful of you to get a card and a gift for the newly minted parents. It's very kindhearted to want to give them something, especially when it's not expected. I am sure they will be grateful for your thoughtfullness.

[Three Roses]

Decisions are hard for me, too, at this time. Hugs! 

[woodsgnome]

Yes, I know that indecisive feeling as well. Plus I know exactly most of the reasons why it happens to me so often. It's all fear-based, as you say, and every time I think I've made it past this ugly trait, I find myself stuck yet again in fear that I'll do it wrong, or even not quite right, or just a touch below perfect, and once again I go into self-blame mode. Often inaction is my final non-decision. Even knowing I'm not at fault for the things that happened way back which led to this behaviour, I have a horrible time trying to rid myself of it. Sigh...another one of those 'if only' type situations that are so frustrating.

Take care of yourself.

[Blueberry]

Thank you woodsgnome, that sounds pretty similar. Except I don't think I've ever thought I'd got past this trait. Inaction I know very well too, in fact I decided at a fairly young age, I think even pre-teen that inaction would be my go-to mode because at least that way I didn't waste a whole bunch of energy trying to do something right only to find that it was totally wrong in FOO's eyes.

Sceal you're right, the couple at the farm will be grateful that I made the effort. I didn't manage a card for their wedding. I was too exhausted. No wonder if I think about the stress I go through with choosing and then writing one. You're right, when I realise something like what I wrote in my first post of this thread then it does help with healing. Not right away, but it does come bit by bit.

[Blueberry]

The parents were quite touched that I thought of taking them something. The father said "Ohhh how nice of you!!" and suggested I took it up to his wife right away and she exclaimed about me knowing that I was giving her her favourite healthy snack and how I'd known... Well, I'd asked someone else at the farm I got a little glimpse of the baby too though that hadn't been my motivation.

Although all the stuff from FOO weighs heavy in my mind and soul, it's good to note that people around me these days don't necessarily act that way at all and it's good to focus on now. What do emotionally healthy people do now?

[Sceal]

So glad that you got such a positive experience out of it, and that they were happy with your gift. It's good that you're learning that non-FOO people aren't acting like them.