Rambling thoughts and ideas

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Wattlebird, I used to write things down every day on post it notes, notepads etc. I have 3 carrier bags full of them now and one day I plan dispose of them when I can do it safely. My hand writing is terrible but I can still make out what they say if I try and I can remember what I meant by most of them too.

It really helped me get thoughts out of my head by putting them on paper. Sometimes I would think something was mega important then decide later it wasn't or i already knew that. Other times it was the little off the cuff things that had a big impact.

I think what you're doing is a great idea.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks sharpandblunt I really appreciate that, I often feel strange about doing it, but it really seems to work for me too

[SharpAndBlunt]

 

[Wattlebird]

Worried about the profound  changes this week, I mean there all posative and helpful, but it's been such a big change in character that people are noticing- I'm no longer worried about conflict which was a mortal fear last week, I don't feel guilty when I say no to people, which is huge for me, I have self respect? I'm motivated! I've been badly craving cigarettes all week, but haven't smoked in a year,   i honestly feel like a different person but still myself? I am stuck on this issue I'm cautious to say anything as I feel weird about it but I need to get this out of my head
I described this feeling of completeness of fullness of stepping forward of taking control, to my t and she just smiled? I asked her what did she think it was, she said it sounds like psychic integration, I asked ??  She described a repair a reintegration of a split part of myself, at this point I changed the subject as it was sounding a bit DID and I wasn't sure I wanted to go there just yet.
Then last night I realised that throughout therapy yesterday I was displaying anger, this is so completely out of character but I didn't even notice, it was all completely normal for me, I can remember thinking I was being too loud, (thereby disturbing other people in other rooms nearby ) but that was my only concern or thought about it, my t never commented on this either, I feel really unsure as to what is going on but I am quite sure it's posative at least 

[Three Roses]

I've had a few "experiences" with sensing, hearing, and feeling other "me's" and even having "someone else" blurt things out and/or carry on conversations while the "real me" was 😰😨😳 inside, helpless to "take over".

It's not so much that we are split, but rather that protective barriers have been built within us, walling off the different aspects of our personalities that everyone has. I suppose I see it now as just another sign of how much I've recovered, and not further evidence of my screwed-up-ness. I think becoming aware this is happening is evidence for me that the protective barriers are relaxing, that my different facets can see each other.

[Deep Blue]

Hang in there wattlebird,
It's ok to feel angry sometimes.  Blowups happen and I'm sorry you had to go through it when you are taking a break from t.  Can you reach out and ask for an appointment while you feel this way?
Sending you support

[Wattlebird]

My t is away on holiday for 2 weeks, but I will talk to a friend tomorrow, just wasn't up to it today

[Wattlebird]

Thanks deep blue

[Wattlebird]

I just want to go back to bed and hide, I have somehow lost that new found confidence I am battling self doubt constantly, maybe just give in, what if I am wrong with my conclusions and I am imposing behaviour like my mother or pushing him away because of my fears of attachment and emotional closeness, I just feel confused and don't know if it was triggered by my t being unavailable and on holiday for 2 weeks- she has been giving me constant notice of this for ages, I am sure because of my tantrum like reaction to her last time off, ( I only realised this as I was leaving and she didn't ask if I was ok to leave which she had done with the last outburst and I felt real annoyance- I examined this and realised my rant was aimed at her not my father, this really sickened me, I was horrified and totally ashamed of myself)  now I don't trust my motivation to share stuff, or for my behaviour- I feel like I'm just seeking sympathy and creating situations in which to get it.
I have so much self doubt even about posting now, why have I taken such a nose dive into self doubt is it because I know I'm being deceptive or is it because I have no self love left - is it because I stopped my self care routine? Or I stopped my routine because of self disgust 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
Battling self-doubt is a hard battle, but I want to send you a supportive and gentle hug  and just say that I hope your day is ok. 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Wattlebird, I just wanted to say I sympathise with your feelings and doubts, I recognise them.  from me too, if you want it.

[sanmagic7]

hey, wb,

i get those bouts as well.  usually when i've been emotionally disrupted somehow, am tired or sick, or in some way off my game, so to speak.   one thing i know is that they eventually pass, and i feel stronger within myself again.

i think just the fact that you are asking those questions is a sure sign that you are not repeating the behaviors of others in the same way they did.  you may have acted out of a defense mechanism of some kind, a throwback to a similar situation in your past.   i think what's important is that you recognize it for what it is and that way you can learn something about yourself.

sorry this happened while your t isn't available.  i'm glad you shared with us, tho.  i hope that helped a bit.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[Wattlebird]

Too many thoughts to sift thru and clear, b has been really great, talk to t Friday address this issue, I have no idea what she'll say, scary.
I'm worried I'll be triggered, but can't hide under a rock all my life, I has been good, t good visiting soon - seeing m Wed ok with that for now,  need to meditate more been slack,  maybe that should be now since I'm trying to clear my head 

[Wattlebird]

There were two sisters, one was unstable and emotional and the other sane but cold hearted, at first the sisters lived in harmony they were like twins they belonged together like each used there gifts to help each other's lacking and they truly cared for each other, then as they got older they got other friends that didn't need to be helped all the time, they went there own ways, cold hearted  lost her emotion and flexibility and emotion lost her rational, they became enemies, bitter enemies.
They will never reconcile - but cold hearted realised her sisters qualities were inside her she had never learnt to use them, she never had to, but somehow to access them she needed to forgive her sister, well here's a dilemma ! What will cold hearted do ? Forgive her sister to gain access to emotion or remain cold and alone?
Wait cold hearted has realised something else if she forgives emotional, emotional will gain rational again, ow dam, now cold hearted is worried, the problem is cold hearted is swayed a lot by logic but there's the risk factor of pain that needs to be taken into account, how does she estimate the likelihood of to much pain?

[Deep Blue]

Forgiving someone doesn't mean you need to reconcile.  Forgiving can also be within oneself