Rambling thoughts and ideas

  • 43 Replies
  • 4744 Views
*

Wattlebird

  • Member
  • 614
    • View Profile
Rambling thoughts and ideas
« on: September 11, 2018, 07:45:28 AM »
I thought I would start a different kind of journal, one that is just my rambling thoughts that go round and round in my head each night, I've been writing these down then deleting them as it helps me sort thru the overload of thoughts and see what's actually going on in my head, I haven't journaled them as they are just rants or random thoughts, some don't make a whole lot of sense so I delete them thinking they are embarrassing but I think it would b good to track, so if your reading enjoy my wonderings but sometimes they may not make too much sense because they are for me.
Your welcome to comment or not, if it helps anyone else than Good stuff I'm happy

*

Wattlebird

  • Member
  • 614
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2018, 09:30:49 AM »
Watched utube videos on cptsd with b today and Oi
Then I watched one on bpd it was full on the guy was very anti borderline. in his next video he explained that he was talking about abusive borderlines but he didn't make that very clear
Hmm maybe I should show b that lol
I enjoying job thanks t
Bv good I hope
I was worried about bs reaction to dissociation he didn't talk about it but seemed fine with it 
Worried bout being tricked
I need to study bpd more
T says V definetly sounds bpd 

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 8417
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2018, 06:29:32 PM »
i'm just glad you have a place to get these thoughts out of your head.  i've heard from people that they often do this kind of thing before they go to bed cuz it helps them sleep knowing the thoughts are tangible, so to speak, and will be there for them to mull over the next day so they don't have to take time from sleep to do so.

keep it up, sweetie.   love and hugs.

*

Wattlebird

  • Member
  • 614
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2018, 12:13:25 PM »
Good talk today, I did dissociate and b noticed he commented did I lose u ?
He was far more comfortable with it than I would have guessed maybe that video just explained what he's been seeing for yrs and he was like ow yeah that thing she does when she goes away - all these ideas we have about what people think and it can be so different from what's really going on.
Got a bit freaked out today but much better tonight, back is stuffed ,
Started getting angry before and I decided to explore the feeling and lost it all together, don't even remember what I was getting angry about,
One day I'm going to read this and see how I have improved so much

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 3461
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2018, 03:19:04 PM »
Quote
One day I'm going to read this and see how I have improved so much
True!  :thumbup:

*

Wattlebird

  • Member
  • 614
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2018, 12:23:35 PM »
Thanks 3 roses, I had been reading my other journal and realised I've only been journaling for 2 mths and have progressed so far in that time, it's encouraging since it's so easy to focus on the difficulties.

*

Wattlebird

  • Member
  • 614
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2018, 11:29:57 AM »
Talked bout work and
B doin fast - I rang I took a new approach not so enabling it was ok
Flashbacks last night - not too bad - was hyper vigilant as well kept startling awake at every sound - I was trying to do a trauma timeline before bed  :doh:
I am going to sleep well tonight
Trying 4:7:8 breathing yesterday and today, wonder if that's reducing anxiety, I think so, as well as keeping that morning routine & meditating daily- back almost better -
Sleep well


*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 8417
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2018, 02:51:58 PM »
sleep well, indeed, wb.  i'm glad your back is feeling better and that meditation is helping.  love and hugs.

*

Wattlebird

  • Member
  • 614
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2018, 07:42:32 AM »
9 days with morning routine, worried bout I,  :dramaqueen: rang a few times today is hoovering- because I'm not enabling them b is good accepting boundaries with grace - anxiety is way down its just so nice to go through a few days with hardly any anxiety

*

Wattlebird

  • Member
  • 614
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2018, 01:39:06 PM »
Talk it out - worried about b and talking a bit strange - feel hopeless and responsible for everything, angry at my behaviour,  :aaauuugh: upset at my realisations on Friday about dm- grief-
Ok badly triggered multiple times last 3 days - today b talk of dem badly triggered had to leave - mr popularity triggered me at party - other minor tries - showed stonewalling to bws badly triggered had to leave
It's barely below the surface ready to break thru at the slightest flaw in your self control. One small pebble knocked loose and it gathers momentum down the steep hill knocking other things loose and causing a land slide

*

Wattlebird

  • Member
  • 614
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2018, 12:09:20 PM »
Realisation after realisation, I think I've been living with my head firmly in the sand,
I feel like a cigerette so badly, it's hard not to think  "it's only a cigerette, u could do a lot worse " no I'm not smoking no no no your doing well
Stupid addictions all over the place

Awareness and mindfulness are helping me see clearly, and I am not sure what to think about all this disfunction around me in others and myself, i can see how truly ill my parents are they have some very serious issues happening, my siblings are both have there own issues and illnesses and I've suddenly realised my husband of 20+ yrs has a mental illness of his own - how haven't I seen this ??? It's so obvious- so many people have told me he is not well mentally but I just put it down to them not understanding him  :doh:
I spoke to my daughter today and told her what's going on and she said "ow is he having a manic episode again "
I feel a bit stupid or idiotic,
Ow no! I'm that person living in a fantasy world
Now I'm a bit overwhelmed!
Maybe fantasy world isn't so bad  :stars:
Anyway now I need to decide on a course of action to deal with this mess
My poor children (all adults now) had to grow up with a mentally ill father and a totally avoidant mother in full denial
 :aaauuugh:  :aaauuugh:  :aaauuugh:

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 3461
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #11 on: September 26, 2018, 03:59:14 PM »
We do what we can with what we know at the time. I've had a ton of disheartening realizations about the health of my relationship with H, but I cling to the quote (I think it was Maya Angelou) "When we know better, we do better." You're not responsible for not knowing what you didn't know, not seeing what you didn't see.   :hug:

*

Wattlebird

  • Member
  • 614
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #12 on: September 27, 2018, 11:55:01 AM »
Talked good talk I felt as though I spoke honestly, lovingly, firmly, I didn't take any manipulation, and every time he pulled out a strategy I stopped him pointed out what he was doing until he acknowledged it, ow poor boy I sort of stomped on him, but he really needed to understand that this behaviour would not be tolerated any more, he was reluctant, excusing, gaslighting, minimising, but he did hear me in the End  I think unless that was strategy I missed aw well time will tell
Where has all this new found confidence come from- never in my life have I spoken to someone in this way, I feel a bit stunned ha so is he  :chestbump: :chestbump:

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 3461
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #13 on: September 27, 2018, 04:23:34 PM »
 :cheer:

*

Wattlebird

  • Member
  • 614
    • View Profile
Re: Rambling thoughts and ideas
« Reply #14 on: September 28, 2018, 03:04:56 PM »
This week - angry me ? Got angry in therapy today, I have only just realised ! She didn't even say anything! I showed unquestionable anger and just kept talking, I did realise she was a little taken aback, but I thought it was the swearing,  :pissed:
I can't believe she never said anything, we've been working on me being able to show or even feel anger all year !
She mustn't have wanted to draw attention to it - perhaps scare me back into the cave ?