How do I say this??

[Three Roses]

It is absolutely okay, Elph. Especially when I know you "get it". 

***

Like an onion, the layers are unfolding. I am seeing more and more clearly why I've never been able to keep a job more than a few years, tops. Why I push people away. Why I wasn't able to continue my education. It's a wonder I'm still married. (maybe I'll write about that someday, maybe not.) I have a handful of friends I've had for decades but only because they're the forgiving kind, and I'm grateful for that.

[Blueberry]

3Roses, I'm glad for you that you are beginning to express what is going on in you I hope that getting it out is helpful.  too because for me at least it's often pretty painful when the onion layers start coming apart.

I had female abusers too - they can be anyone as Elph says. They don't come in neat little categories the way I used to be told by Ts and docs.

I hope your headache gets better soon.

[Elphanigh]

  lot of love to you dear. This is hard stuff and I am so proud of you for facing it.

[Hope67]

  to you Three Roses. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

my dear 3roses, what a lot of realizations to come up with - no wonder your head hurts.  it's shameful that you were abused by teachers - i've had to step in several times when my daughters were young so i know how that goes.  grrrr - p's me off that that happened to you and no one helped you out. 

hang tough, sweetie.  remember, we're black swans, so beautiful to behold, yet denied their existence for so long.   peeling those layers can be rough to say the least.  understanding what's been hidden there can be painful but enlightening at the same time.  you're doing great - i'm so glad for you that you're letting this stuff out while finding the wonder of you beneath it all. 

sending much love and a hug filled with calm and peace.

[Deep Blue]

Hey TR,
I just wanted to check to see how you are feeling. How's your head? Have you been able to find a little bit of peace?
Much love
Deep Blue

[Three Roses]

Head's a little better. Thanks for asking! 

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses,
Really glad to hear your head is a little better.  Hope it's improving as the days/time pass.    to you.
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Yesterday was one of those days that just comes out of nowhere. It may have been a trigger, but it was such a small thing! And it left me a wreck for most of the day.

Instead of running away or trying to deny it, I gave myself permission to grieve for the childhood I never had, the family I wanted to feel a part of, fully accepted and cherished. The family I had was easily thrown into its chaotic version and you never knew what was going to happen from one minute to the next.

And so I felt the grief that I've tried to deny all these years. It wasn't fun, but I feel a bit better today.

[woodsgnome]

 Grief, for me anyway, turned out not to be a one-and-done activity. Perhaps that's typical of all of this cptsd--it tends to travel circular instead of linear. So (again, just speaking for myself) it's unlike those bucket lists of things done. Unfortunately. But once I also accept the recycling possibility, it does seem easier to handle the next time grief or any of the other after-shocks need attention.

Good to hear you're getting in touch better with your inner self and handling things to where yeah, they're still hanging around  , but you're finding that you have the capacity to be fully in charge of your own responses.

[Three Roses]

I know you're right, WG, there is definitely more to process thru. I'm just in the beginning phases of honestly looking at this issue. Thanks! 

[Deep Blue]

Three Roses,
Maybe it doesn't matter what the trigger was? Maybe you needed to grieve a little and you did that.  Maybe carrying around those toxins just dragged you down?

Sending you love support and rebuilding 

[Three Roses]

It's so hard to journal these days. Just the thought of it is exhausting. I have kept a hand written journal as long as I can remember, since my teens. These days tho I just don't want to talk about anything going on inside me.

But I probably should.

I think it's interesting when I come back to this journal and find that I've written things I don't remember writing! And others that I remember but only in a foggy sort of way. Evidence that my dissociation really is at the level I thought it was, or perhaps even more so.

Something about writing here is daunting, in that I seem to censor myself much more than I ever did in my hand written journals. I guess I'm afraid of criticism, having had so much of that in my life. Or maybe it's my ICr, I'll have to think on that.

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment for a filling, and found myself thinking of the dentist I had as a kid. He was wonderful. Remembering him, I realized he was another grown up in my life that I felt liked me (they were few and far between).

Even as a kid I had a weird, quirky sense of humor and so did Dr M. He would tease me and we'd both giggle like fiends! I'm absolutely positive no one here would find the things he said funny so I'll spare you all.  Today, it would probably be considered inappropriate and maybe even unethical but it was something that nourished my little-girl heart. He made me laugh and feel accepted and that was huge for me.

Today I'm totally exhausted. When I interact socially it just wipes me out. So today will be a quiet day at home for me. Maybe I'll paint some more rocks or something. Or cuddle with my dog.

[Blueberry]

  if you like, though I'm sure  with  staying still is more nurturing.

[Three Roses]

When you grow up being devalued and demeaned by the very people who say they love you, it plays with your ability to keep yourself safe. Our very posture and body language give off signals that we don't know we are sending. We wind up repeating the patterns of abuse, perhaps in an attempt to make sense of our past or overcome it. I know several books talk about this phenomenon but due to my headache I can't remember which books or what it's called.

It's called the repetition compulsion. Several books talk about it, but I'll quote Pete Walker here.

"Many of the clients who come through my door have never had a safe enough relationship. Repetition compulsion drives them to unconsciously seek out relationships in adulthood that traumatically reenact the abusive and/or abandoning dynamics of their childhood caretakers." (From Surviving To Thriving p. 268—269)

Looking back at my late teen to early adult years, I can see that I never held anyone accountable for their actions toward me because... well, that's just how people are, I thought. The least little emotional fluctuation on my part, or the wrong facial expression, and they could flip out and become dangerous, abusive, insulting.  Also, I had been well-groomed to believe that it was my responsibility to always act in a way that never caused anyone to become upset. (This is still a huge problem for me.) I tried my best to be "good" but inevitably I would fail. My father would beat me, my brother would beat or otherwise abuse me, my mother would berate me, and always I was told, "Now look what you've made me do." It was always my fault whenever anyone lost control. So, after a while, I gave up completely. Understandably I became a sullen, confrontational teen who matured into a sullen, overly assertive young adult. Outwardly I never admitted to myself or anyone that I felt responsible for others' reactions; but inwardly, I can see that I still believed that whatever I got, it was my fault, whether I could see why or not.

(Nowadays I don't get assertive, I don't say what I want, I'm obsequious, I don't get angry but neither do I feel happiness.)

I was confused and in a lot of pain. At the age of 15, I had my first sexual experience with a non-family member, and I started medicating my feelings with drugs and alcohol.

More later.