How do I say this??

[Wattlebird]

 

[Deep Blue]

Sweet 3roses,
I don't think going back into your shell has to be a bad thing.  Maybe it's just your way of protecting yourself from the drama in your town?

Be patient with yourself while you are at a loss for words.  Sending you some clarity and support to help you fight the drama.

[Blueberry]

if this has been a pos. experience for you, venting here, then  i hope you'll do more of it.  you so deserve to be listened to w/o judgment. 

 

[Three Roses]

OK. I know I need to talk about this, but I'm not sure how. For one reason, I'm a visual thinker and sometimes it's next to impossible to translate the images of my thoughts and feelings into words. And when I'm in an EF, it's even more difficult.

I'm thankful for this forum that gives us a place to discuss our experiences without risk of being minimized or looked at like a freak.

I was reading someone's post the other day and what they wrote hit me right in the gut, my reaction was literally physical. They were talking about never being protected by their FOO.

Ugh. I'm frozen up again! I've been trying to post here in my journal about it for days now, but I can't get it out. I'm just so used to handling things internally, on my own. It's so hard to write about myself honestly. My heart is pounding and here comes the headache again. I'll have to come back to it.

[sanmagic7]

take your time, sweetie.  you already did a huge first step.  when you're ready.   love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

take your time, sweetie.  you already did a huge first step.  when you're ready.   

         I'm experienced at taking too large a step and then sending myself sprawling. Not a good thing. I'm sorry you were so badly triggered by my post. 

[Deep Blue]

It's ok    the post will come when you feel more settled.  It doesn't have to be today or even this week.  We are here with you in the meantime 

[Three Roses]

Thanks for your support, everyone! And BB, I wouldn't say I was triggered by your post. I just think it was time I looked at how neglected I really was - it's been coming for a while now - struggling up to the surface like someone waking from a coma. It's just very difficult for me to be honest with myself about my feelings, and then to express them outwardly.

I considered not posting at all, and then thought how many times I've been strengthened, encouraged, and motivated by posts that were almost deleted by the member. So, I let it stand.

[Hope67]

I considered not posting at all, and then thought how many times I've been strengthened, encouraged, and motivated by posts that were almost deleted by the member. So, I let it stand.

HI Three Roses,
I'm glad you let it stand, because it is part of you - and hearing you express yourself outwardly, shows great bravery and also strength.  I am strengthened, encouraged and motivated by your posts, and by those of others too. 

Sending you a warm and loving hug  Three Roses. 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Again, thanks everyone for your support. It means more to me coming from you guys, who all understand this *.

I think my hesitation comes from my Internal Manager (I should give all my parts names! 😀) who knows how much anger is seething beneath the surface. I expressed this anger when I was younger, but in completely dysfunctional and self destructive ways, and never really dealt with it. So it's all just lying there. The picture I get is of a rotten, stinking mass of sludge lying under a peaceful, grassy field. If you met me you wouldn't know how "off" I am - as I've said before, I've learned to hide it well.

My concern is that if I wait until I have therapeutic help it may disappear again. My anger has become palpable from time to time in the past, only to disappear again. Big sigh.

[Elphanigh]

Three roses, like everyone else I am always so grateful when you share here. It is good to get this junk out among people that understand. Anger is really difficult, and I have certainly struggled my fair share with it as well. I think there are probably productive ways you can tap into it without waiting for that therapeutic relationship (although it may be prudent to look into that). For me journalling out my anger and then getting to tear it up, or burn it really helped. I was also physically stuck so getting to throw things, or hit/kick a pillow really helped that anger start to process and move through my body rather than being stuck kind of like the sludge you were describing. That is just my experience with it, and may not work for you but I wanted to throw that out there. 

[sanmagic7]

i echo what el said.  small steps with anger release may be most helpful - do a little piece of it, see how it feels, take recovery time, etc.  repeat when you're ready.  this kind of thing has also helped me a lot.  i've also broken things either that have come from a person i was angry with, or that reminded me of them.  i've smacked pots and pans, whacked chairs with tupperware covers (the noise this kind of thing made was very satisfying - children should be seen and not heard, all that rot).

writing, without editing myself, and like el said, burn it or walk it out to the trash - get it out of your house and your presence.  and, of course, my standby of pounding my bed, yelling, cursing - whatever comes up.  it's all valid, will not hurt anyone, but gets the poison out of you.

i'm just glad you feel safe enough to begin sharing about this, about the real you.  all that much underneath, well, i completely relate to.  it's a total wonderment just how much is really there.  beginning to consciously realize what happened to you can be painful, but, if the body keeps the score, i don't doubt those headaches are screaming for you what you aren't quite able to scream for yourself.

you are a darling, no matter what's going on below.  take your time.  the above were just what worked for me, not trying to put pressure on you.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Three Roses]

I guess my fear is that I'll crack whatever is holding the anger in, and it will burst. I'm afraid of what that will look like.

But I know it's not good for me to hold it in, and I've been aware for quite a while that my headaches are at least partially emotional in origin.

I get little flashes of what it looks like, and it's huge. There's a lot of it. Thanks for your suggestions, I'll try them out. 

[Boy22]

Hi Three Roses,

Away from everyone and disappear. Wouldn't that be nice.

A place where there is no-one to trigger or hurt you, no-one to judge you.

Bliss indeed.

I cant send petrol, but I am sending my thoughts of bliss your way.

[Three Roses]

Very anxious today. Letting hubby take care of housework due to visiting family. I think I'll color in my new app I downloaded to see if I can relax some.