Self-Soothing

Started by schrödinger's cat, September 13, 2014, 07:04:49 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

schrödinger's cat

I'm hesitant about even posting this, but...

It occurred to me that many here might not have all that many experiences with being soothed as kids. I know my own mother was often too harried and impatient, and quite often, she'd ignore things or tell me to buck up.

However, now in recovery, I'm supposed to "soothe my inner child".

So I thought: there have to be quite a few parents here. Or people who had positive experiences with being soothed, or who've researched the thing. Would it be helpful if we just collected a few ways of soothing people? Or stories of how successful soothing experiences. Soothing strategies. Guidelines. Anecdotes.

I'll add mine in a separate post.


Butterfly

The self medicating thread in general discussions seems to have take a turn this way before I saw this thread. Maybe we should reorganize the self soothing as tools? Good topic.

Kizzie

#2
Hey SDK and BF - we can certainly carry on talking about self-soothing here too, it's really important I think so the more we talk about it the better as far as I'm concerned.

I've attached the worksheet I found at the Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse.  Butterfly if you want to add here what you wrote in the Self-medicating thread that would get us off to a good start. 

I think we could actually come up with a good worksheet/tool on Self-Soothing (e.g., adding in the different examples of soothing the senses you wrote about BF).

Feel free to chime in with ideas anyone, the more "heads together" the better!     

Kizzie

#3

A GRIEF EXERCISE FOR YOUR INNER CHILD


Source: Pete Walker - available at http://www.pete-walker.com/index.htm under "Grieving and Complex PTSD"

Here is an exercise to help you enhance your ability to feel and grieve through pain. Visualize yourself as time-traveling back to a place in the past when you felt especially abandoned. See your adult self taking your abandoned child onto your lap and comforting her in various painful emotional states or situations. You can comfort her verbally: "I feel such sorrow that you were so abandoned and that you felt so alone so much of the time. I love you even more when you are stuck in this abandonment pain – especially because you had to endure it for so long with no one to comfort you. That shouldn't have happened to you. It shouldn't happen to any child. Let me comfort and hold you. You don't have to rush to get over it. It is not your fault. You didn't cause it and you're not to blame. You don't have to do anything. Let me just hold you. Take your time. I love you always and care about you no matter what.

I highly recommend practicing this even if it feels inauthentic, and even if it requires a great deal of fending off your critic. Keep practicing and eventually, you will have a genuine experience of feeling self-compassion for that traumatized child you were, and with that, you will know that your recovery work had reached a deep level.
 

schrödinger's cat

This is from a parenting course:

In a difficult experience, a child needs a sense of connection, a sense of control, and a sense of meaning. So ways of soothing a child could be:

CONNECTION

Being physically present in the situation with her - sitting by her side, having her sit on one's lap, putting one's arms around her, cuddling, stroking her hair if she likes that, holding her and rocking her gently. Being physically present at all, not walking away. Letting your kid hear your voice (soothing noises) so you're not simply just sittting there in silence (some kids might find that too distanced).

Being emotionally present. Active listening. Assuring her that I'm there and that I won't leave her alone in this, we're in this together. (Even if she's the one fixing it, she'll be like the boxer heading for another bout, and I'll be in her corner with a towel and the water and all those things.) Showing one's concern in one's facial expression (NOT grimly determined to get this over and done with ASAP, but more along the lines of "oh dear, yes, I can see that you skinned your knee really badly this time"). Open, relaxed, welcoming posture, not closed-off or stiff, not fidgeting with impatience. When my kids were very little, I used to first hold them until the worst of their initial shock (at skinned knees and such) was over, and then I used to softly sing a certain song. Then I'd stop and hold them some more.
Another way of establishing connectedness might be through acts of service: making a cup of coacoa, offering her a "comfort cookie", fixing physical injuries, asking if she's cold, offering to read her a story. A lot of kids are comforted if something is done - if there's some kind of action that says "yes, I'm taking care of you". (A lot of adults are, too.)

CONTROL

The woman who held the course didn't offer examples here, so these are my own.
Active listening is a good tool to help others work through their own issues. Just letting them tell the story helps them gain a first little sense of control. I got this from PTSD texts. Several of them said that PTSD memories are traumatic precisely because they still stick in your gullet and aren't yet organized into a coherent narrative. So telling a story is already a form of control.
If my kids fell and skinned their knees, I'd first do the connection bit outlined above, then I'd ask: "Where does it hurt the most?" That's another way they automatically assume control: they switch from passive suffering to active scrutinizing. They'd often sit up straight, calm down, and become visibly focussed and controlled, so I'm assuming it worked. Some of my own milder flashbacks can be fended off that way, by investigating what it is really like: how would I describe this if this were a story I'm writing?
A third thing I did was point out what they'd done to protect themselves. So if a kid had stumbled, I'd maybe say: "It's good that you were able to catch some of your fall by really quickly taking hold of that bannister." They'd often pause, looking at the bannister, then again I could almost watch them regaining a sense of poise and control, and we'd spend the next five minutes talking shop about bannisters and how to hold on to them, and they'd tell me how they moved their hand real fast etc etc.
Or rituals. Little compensations. Anything that's an active step you can take together with the kid, a step that's about healing and recovery and ressource work. If the kid had a difficult time, you might do something especially nice. Again, it doesn't have to be much, it just has to be something the kid enjoys. Maybe ordering take-out dinner from a place she likes, or having dessert when you usually don't, or taking a step that will fix the problem. My dd had trouble at school a few years ago, and though it's fixed now, she still doesn't really like the place all that much: so when that came up again at the start of the summer holidays, we took all the notebooks that she definitely wouldn't need anymore and burnt them.

MEANING

I didn't like the examples given in our course. Which is why I can't remember them. Sorry. From what I heard and from my own experience, it's best to explore this whole area together with the kid. Kids will often initiate such conversations themselves. Sometimes all they need is for someone to actively listen while they work it out by themselves, using you as a sounding board for their own ideas. They're often appreciative if you share your own experiences ("I was bullied, too" etc) so they feel less alone.
That's one level of meaning one can explore: whatever happens to you - you're never alone with it. There's always others who share your problem, and who'll know exactly what you're going through. And there'll be yet others who'll suffer the same way, and whom you might be able to help.
Then there's religious meanings.
Maybe a part of "meaning" might also be when they ask you how to make sure this doesn't happen again.



(This sounds theoretical. I often try to dissect things into their component parts so I understand them better. Also, I'm from Central Europe. If we have a problem, we soothe ourselves with flowcharts and diagrams and difficult words. I'm only half kidding, believe you me. I only jiiiust stopped myself from using the phrase "paradigm shift".)

schrödinger's cat

Oh wow, you were really fast or maybe I was really slow. I spent so much time editing my post that it's now too late to read the self-medicating thread and download the worksheets. So my apologies if I wrote something that's already been said before. I'll look into this tomorrow.

Butterfly

Wow good info here. Thanks so much.

Badmemories

#7
Thank You for posting these lists. I am not sure I do anything to self soothe  :D :D I will put that in MY arsenal of things to add and think about! When I get upset I go on line and play games... I am sure that is not helping My healing though. I sit in front of the TV when things get bad for me... that is not healing either!

schrödinger's cat

Thanks. That course helped me loads. I think I was a reasonably okay soother before it, but I often felt weirdly uncomfortable soothing my kids' day-to-day troubles. I used to be brushed off so often, I just had no clear idea what to do. It was all so unfamiliar.

And from what my mother did, I had a vague idea stuck in my head that "soothing" means "doing some quick and impatient action, and then the crying or complaining or weeping goes away". It was like "soothing" was goal-oriented: my kid presents a problem I have to fix, and I have to swoop in and do some quick, efficient fixing-it things before swooping back out again. So when my kids just settled in for a good cry, or if they came back again and again with the same story of what had happened to them, a part of me felt: "crap, I didn't to a good job the first time". And then of course I felt unsettled because I thought I didn't go about things the right way. I still comforted my kids for as long as they needed it, of course, but I felt like I was maybe doing it wrong. After all, they were still upset.

So this course helped me loads. It let me approach this like any other new skill I'm learning. And its main assumption was that we don't have to "fix" literally each and every problem the kid has, we mainly need to establish and maintain this sense of connectedness, and to give a level of care that empowers the child.

pam

#9
I tried to download the self-soothing worksheet but I can't because my cheap Wal Mart computer didn't come with Microsoft Word!  >:(

But I like the other info you all posted. I used to not be able to self-soothe AT ALL! I think that 's one reason why I mistakenly(?) thought I was borderline.

I play Mahjong Titans a lot (it's a video game on Windows 7). If I'm very upset or aggravated, I play it to zone out. I can even play it WHILE i CRY! Not sure that's really the best thing, but it's better than ruminating about suicide or stewing in anger forever.

Yes to Chocolate--I eat it in some form every single day! And the dark kind has antioxidants in it!!!!  :P

globetrotter

#10
Thanks for the self-soothing info.

I think I have been doing this forever by being outside because I grew up in the country and would find solace there, in the woods, hiking or biking, and I still do. It can be a full-on sensory experience plus I enjoy the endorphins...my T is always trying to get me to connect with my body, but I'm never more connected to it than when I'm exercising. I wonder if that's why I do it?

I wish there were group sessions here...Colorado seems to have no groups unless you go through a therapist. I found one that was offering group sessions for $50 a week! Oish! I guess we're suppose to go out and hug a tree here...

And there's chocolate! Proven mood elevator!

pam

What an interesting topic. I think it needs it's own thread! I think this is totally different than soothing ourselves as adults....or maybe that's just me, lol.

I have nothing to offer really, but am looking forward to other people's examples of soothing so I can use them on my inner children.

So far I've only been able to "listen with complete empathy" to my inner children when they express themselves in their diaries. They feel heard and accepted, boom. That has been what's healed me (to the extent that I have healed, lol) That counts according to the list, but as far as doing something "active" or initiating soothing before an event, I have no clue. I'm only good at rewarding statements AFTER she makes it through something ("I'm so proud of you. You were a big girl!")

Again the downloads aren't working for my computer, but I assume Pete Walker's Grief exercise is in the book. I have to get going on that book! I'm only in Ch 6.

Kizzie

#12
( This post is actually by Butterfly. Sorry BF! I split the topics and somehow couldn't get yours merged into this thread at the right place. )  

Kizzie, self soothing is a good way to flip self medicating. So the paper said to come up with a plan so I searched for ideas to come up with a plan:

Know Your Self-Soothing Activities: Usually soothing activities are related to the senses. Different people are comforted in different ways and may prefer one sense over another. Sometimes what is soothing for one situation is not the same as what is soothing in a different situation.

When your alert system is firing danger, then physical activity may help, like playing a fast-moving game of racquetball or going for a walk.

When the upset is more about feeling hurt or sad, activities such as sipping hot tea or petting a dog may be more effective. The smell of apple pie baking, a beautiful sunset, the softness of a dog's fur, the song of birds singing, the taste of chocolate or the sensation of rocking. Reading a good book can be soothing for some. Being with a good friend, someone you feel safe with and loved by, can be soothing.

Some may be best soothed by focusing on a specific sense.  Some people are more visual than others and some are more auditory. Experiment with the different senses to see what works best for you. You may want to create a self-soothing box full of options that you know are effective for you. When you are upset hunting for a special song or even remembering what is soothing is difficult.  Put a list of your self-soothing activities in the box along with some of the objects you might need.

Create Self-Soothing Experiences:  A self-soothing experience involves more than one sense and have a overall feel of valuing the self.  Having your favorite meal at a table set with cloth napkins and pretty dishes while listening to music you love would be a self-soothing experience for some. A bubble bath with your favorite scent, a favorite drink, and listening to a book on tape could also be a self-soothing experience.

Other Self-soothing Activities: Performing an act of kindness for others can be soothing, particularly if you are feeling disappointed in yourself. Often helping those who are less fortunate is effective in that situation too. Accomplishing tasks such as cleaning your house or organizing your closet can help with uncomfortable feelings. Writing, playing, and  laughing can all be soothing by helping you detach and feel more in control of your emotional experience.

Focusing on your sense of meaning may be soothing. This meaning might be about knowing your purpose in life or it might be about a spiritual connection. Focusing on what is truly important to you can help you let the less important go. Consider prayer or meditation.

Finding out what works best for you through practicing self-soothing in different situations will help you manage your emotions more effectively. You may want a way of reminding yourself to self-soothe and what to do as people do not think clearly when upset. Motivation to self-calm in tense moments can be low.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/emotionally-sensitive/2012/04/self-soothing-calming-the-amgydala/

Kizzie

( This post is actually by Butterfly too. Sorry BF! I split the topics and somehow couldn't get yours merged into this thread at the right place. )

Another list:
Effective self-soothing coping strategies may be those that involve one or more of the five senses (touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound). Listed below are examples of self-soothing strategies for each sense.

Touch
Soaking in a warm bath
Getting a massage
Relaxing in the warmth of the sun
Stretching
Going for a swim
Changing into comfortable clothes
Playing with an animal

Taste
Eating a comforting meal
Sipping herbal tea
Eating healthy food
Slowly sucking on hard candy

Smell
Shopping for flowers
Smelling lavender or vanilla
Lighting a scented candle
Deeply breathing in fresh air

Sight
Seeing a funny movie or watching a funny television show
Reading a good book
Looking at pictures of loved ones
Looking at pictures of a past vacation or places that you would like to visit
Watching the clouds

Sound
Listening to relaxing music
Singing to yourself
Saying positive statements to yourself or self-encouragement
Playing a musical instrument

When engaging in these strategies, make sure to focus completely on the task at hand. That is, be mindful of your senses and what you are experiencing, and anytime you are distracted, simply bring your attention back to what you are doing.

Come up with your own self-soothing strategies that you can do when you are upset. Try to come up with as many as you can. The more you can come up, the better off you will be in improving your mood when you are experiencing distress.

http://ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/selfsoothe.htm

schrödinger's cat

Thanks for this. This looks interesting.