Discovering what heals, discovering Laura

Laura90 · September 16, 2018, 07:10:36 AM

I have been using journals to hand write in for many years now, but I suddenly thought this morning, that there is still some sort of shame and secrecy in that. I guess I do sometimes read bits out in therapy sessions but mainly because I worry I'll forget what I really wanted to say once I'm in the room.

But shame is the huge non recovering factor with me. I hide so much. My problems with eating and bulimia oh gosh... I am so shamefully ashamed.

I always thought the main factor to purging was just to relieve uncomfortable feelings in my tummy, and to make room for more bingeing.

But no, now I know I have to stop and learn to sit with, tolerate the feelings of shame. The bullying I received from my F in my body size and the way I ate as a child means I am sooo scared of putting on weight.

I also want and need to be brave enough to sit with those fears in a more healing, compassionate way. If I do put on weight and get fat, I'm still Laura.

Oh gosh this feels so simple yet such a breakthrough!

After all these long many years.

woodsgnome · September 16, 2018, 08:23:11 AM

You said that whatever happens, "... I'm still Laura." Seems so simple, and as you indicate--it's not easy at all. We go through so much, only to arrive back at square one...we're always, and only, ourselves; and that we're worth a lot, just that--to be ourselves. And even to allow ourselves to find our way back home to our inner self. Maybe it's a place we never really knew before, but we can still find our own being, and with it peace at having discovered the marvelous beings we are.

Deep Blue · September 16, 2018, 01:24:11 PM

Sending you warm wishes for your courage to start a journal and for sharing so honestly

sanmagic7 · September 16, 2018, 04:59:10 PM

thanks for sharing, laura. very brave of you.

we are all ourselves somewhere in there, no matter what we've had to use to mask that for the expectations of others. i give you a lot of credit for beginning to open that door - you're right, it is huge. sending love and a hug filled with encouragement to continue to know you no matter what you're outside size and shape might be.

Laura90 · September 17, 2018, 06:33:44 AM

I'm feeling zoned out, non descript, and that usual for mornings after getting up. I think it might be because of the dreams and nightmares of the night, I've dissociated and gone into that red zone.

So, I think mornings are definite grounding times. I've made a blue lady tea, one of my favourite loose leaf teas, and I'll put on the powerful music with such amazing lyrics to bring me round. I have to put it on loud but am conscious of my neighbours either side of me, so I think I will use headphones today.

Also feeling lots of regret, shame, "want to forget about it" feelings. I am really going to try my best to not avoid those feelings but listen to them, and let them be with understanding and compassion.

sanmagic7 · September 17, 2018, 02:12:23 PM

sorry for your uneasy sleep. i like your idea of letting your feelings be with compassion. i think that accepting stuff like that can be more freeing than continually trying to outrun it. i know they've always caught up with me when i've tried to run, and that was more exhausting in the end.

sending love and hugs.

Sceal · September 17, 2018, 07:35:31 PM

Hello Laura!

I just wanted to drop by and say hi. Also I think starting the day with a cup of tea sounds lovely.
Working with feelings is such a hard thing to do, sitting with them can sometimes be impossibly hard. Sending you some good thoughts.

Laura90 · September 22, 2018, 03:35:38 PM

Thank you for everyone's lovely replies. I'm already flip flipping hourly, daily, so not really sure what to write down as progress. As I don't have a clear feeling of who i've beenin recent days. Progress is being more intune to when that happens more?

Laura90 · September 24, 2018, 06:36:06 AM

Another bright and early morning...
Feeling in this weird phase still that doesn't seem to be shifting, I walk down to the kitchen this morning for my mug of tea and see that I decorated part of the kitchen yesterday and then the realisation and memory came.
I am so dissociative and swimming at the moment. My toe is still blue and purple from slipping down some stairs the other day. I don't think I need to splint it to the other toe like I did yesterday.

Anyway I want to focus this entry on discovery and recovery.

So I have my recap driving lesson with a lady instructor at 10am this morning. Hopefully this is all I need. Just so I can get my confidence back with parallel parking and duel carriageways. This could be a huge step because of all the independence it can bring me. I do drive my mum's car but am limited because I worry so much I'll turn up somewhere and not be able to park it!
I don't feel worried about it at the moment but I feel I have heaps to do before then in this 2 and a half hours. Shower, dry hair, dress, shove a tiny bit of makeup on to hide my dark eyes, take meds, walk Merlin,

force some breakfast down,.

Gosh writing it down like this shows how much I do have to do and do to keep going. And I do it. I'm not giving up yet. Even though I'm thinking of it like crazy at the moment.

That's what is so good about us cptsd and dissociative survivors.

Survival is built in us. Nothing can stop us. We are strong warriors