The Journey of Boy22 - medical PTSD - *Trigger Warning*

[Boy22]

Well you never know just where connections can be made. I received a Facebook message a few days ago from a friend who lives rurally approximately 100km away, she has a friend from Canada who is visiting her. She had shared my blog and the canadian friend now wanted very much to meet me.

So they travelled down today and we have just had 90 minutes together (my maximum before I need a rest). She is a Family Physician with a special interest in pain and mental health - especially PTSD. I have introduced her to Pete Walkers book. She enjoyed meeting another person with whom she could relate ways of interacting that were not power based but instead experiential sharing that empowered patients and more importantly allowed them to share closely guarded parts of themselves without judgement.

We have exchanged emails and plan to engage in further conversation. It will be a learning experience for both of us.

[Three Roses]

I'll bet that feels great! 

[Boy22]

Well yesterday morning I was congratulating myself on having gone over a week without an EF. Then in the afternoon whilst driving there was an incident of tooting horns and aggressive driving just behind me. Fortunately I was turning off into a side street away from the drama, but my brain was still trying to make sense of what happened when I could feel my inner childs confused terror welling up. I managed to hold myself and tell both my child and the adult me "let it go, you did everything right, it's not your problem" and within seconds the tension melted away and I drove on.

So yay!

And then as I mentioned in Wattlebirds journal I am planning on a minor act of disobedience for my next face to face session with my psychotherapist. My childhood scripts for medical related appointments is to be well groomed, well attired and well behaved. I am going to try to go without having shaved for days (in other words how I usually am), my attire will be ... I'm trying to find the right words ... would not be approved of by my mother and thus will not reach the standard of my inner critic. I used the word dishevelled in Wattlebirds journal and that is the word my inner critic wants to use, but its too harsh and judgemental for I will be wearing clean clothes in a style that were I thirty years younger would be considered "glammed up"!

Wish me luck on that one, but I know for the following week I have two appointments with two different psychiatrists and I know I wont be able to break the script with them. But I am going to tell them of the script for it is affecting their perception of how well or unwell I really am.

[Deep Blue]

Good luck!!!
May I suggest the words "casual dress" or "relaxed dress"

My heart had that familiar pang for you.    I don't know what it is like to have a M that doesn't always criticize my dress, outward appearance, or cleanliness of my house.  One of her favorite insults is... "go put some lipstick on, you look like a ghost!"   

Sending you support and the hope that you get this little victory and I can vicariously feel it through you 

[Three Roses]

  you being You! ❤️

[Jdog]

Boy22-

As a fellow member of the LGBTQ community, I only wish I could see you all glammed up!! I bet you will look mahvelous, dahling!!!  Good luck and great job countering those inaccurate views of you.  In my case, it wasn't so much my outward appearance but more my overachieving and people pleasing self that made my therapist think I was absolutely fine.  She gets it now.

[Boy22]

Hey jdog,

The appearance stuff is easier for me to work on now, the being well behaved part is going to be a seriously huge challenge so I'm staying well away from that for now.

[Jdog]

Understood!

[Boy22]

Pause, please.

A thread I contributed to today along with a movie I watched this evening has opened a huge hole.

Sh... f... expletives in the plural dleted.

I wont say anymore until my next T session.

[Hope67]

Hi Boy22,
I think a pause is sometimes a very good thing, and I wish you the best for this moment, and hope you're ok.
Hope 

[Boy22]

Hey guys,

Next T session 4 days away. Have managed to do some self work on the hole and it is shrinking, I dont think its as dramatic as I thought - but that how our world rolls right?

The hole is all to do with eating post surgery = more pain. So I learnt to suppress my apetite. Which then lead to epic meltdowns as a child when I had run out of energy and could go no further. My parents learned to make sure I got regular meals and a good sized snack prior to swimming or other activities that I enjoyed and burnt energy doing.

And at the moment I have lost my apetite again. I had put it down to the side effect of one of my drugs, and then when the hole opened I became frightened and confused. I have examined my current apetite and food trends and am sure it is the side effect of the drug.

End result: hole shrunk. Will recheck it with my T to see if I am right or there is more work needed here.

[Boy22]

Hi BeHealthy

I learnt to swim at age 4yrs. When I was six we moved to an area with over 40 lakes in the region, my family purchased a boat and the rule was you could only learn to waterski if you could swim over 200 metres which I achieved before I turned 7.

Otherwise there was swimming at school - right through all the years. And then for a period in my 30s and 40s I swam for my exercise.

[Boy22]

So here I am.

Dishevelled according to my inner critic. I have not shaved for eight days (that was a struggle to resist). I am wearing a t-shirt underneath a collared shirt that is unironed, unbuttoned and untucked!

I also accidentally ran late due to unexpected traffic. I am normally ten minutes early for every appointment. I managed to not chastise myself. I walked calmly from where I parked my car (300m/yd). And my anxiety levels only reach moderate.

It was a good appointment. We checked over my appetite issues and reflected on my childhood experiences. We explored a number of themes around supporting and parenting my inner child.

[Boy22]

I am reflecting more on my session today with my T.

My partner has long called me the Pied Piper when it comes to children.

I have over the years made many frightened and suspicious children feel at ease and ready to cooperate with me.

I need to learn to do this with my inner child.

[Jdog]

Sounds like a productive therapy session and also good self analysis.  Kudos, Boy22.