The Journey of Boy22 - medical PTSD - *Trigger Warning*

[Three Roses]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Boy22
I think you looked very nice in your photo - I really like your shirt - and I couldn't spot any signs of 'crumpled shirt' at all.  Glad your session has gone well - sounds like some helpful analysis. 
Hope 

[Boy22]

I've been away for ten days doing a housesit. Something happened between therapy and self work while I was up there so that for the last 3 or so days my alcohol consumption has dropped by 25%.

But then back home this morning and my partner and I have had several miscommunications so
I am struggling to keep it together. Well I was, then he noticed I was upset. I had a little cry and he totally misunderstood me again. I finally got my message through and he agreed he needs to take this back to work on with his therapist.

We might (as in the members of this board) think we a mental cot case, but as many know those around as are far from perfect too. If only they could see that and do some work on themselves.

Hmmm, that helped. I feel more positive now. I do have a partner who accepts and has acted upon the need for therapy for himself so that our relationship functions better.

[Three Roses]

Boy22, you sound like you have a lovely, caring partner. I'm happy for you in this! It's hard to start looking at stuff you've successfully swept away, and he is to be commended both for his support of you and for being open to your suggestion that he also go into therapy. You guys rock! 

[Boy22]

Hi

I have started working on my next blog post, thought I would share it here in its current state.

My Inner Child.


In my last blog entry I had a diagram of the different parts of me. Slowly through therapy I have worked out there are only three parts to me.

The Frontman - calm, considerate, polite. Appears in times of stress when the relationship with those around me is valued. I can be seething with anger, or have a massive adrenaline rush in stress, but the people around me cannot see this.

The real me, the state I am in most of the time.

My Inner Child - raging in pain and in anger. My Inner Child appears when I do not place any value in the relationships of those around me. After my inner child has finished my memory of the event is sanitised. I think I have been calm and reasonable in stating my needs but word has reached me on a few occasions that there are people who are terrified of me.

When I am triggered in my PTSD I sink into my Inner Child, into the pit of terror and fear. I have been working with my therapists on better ways to support my Inner Child so that the time I spend triggered is shorter. And with practice I am managing this better and better. We have tried different ways of relating to my inner child and it was only last week that I realised the best "person" to make my Inner Child feel safe, supported, acknowledged is "Dr Boy".

Yes, the skills I learnt as a doctor that enabled me to calm and gain the trust of traumatised children are the skills I need to bring to the fore when my Inner Child needs attention. This new way of relating to my Inner Child has brought me to a calmer place. The world feels less threatening now.

However, during this time I have also been monitoring my pulse and blood pressure as it has become clear that my BP is not fully controlled by my current meds. This has lead me to discover that I am running on adrenaline near to 100% of the time that I am awake and functioning. So while I feel calmer inside my threat systems are still on DEFCON 1.

This may also explain my expansive memory. Memories are "laid down" better when there is excess adrenaline in the system. So I have been running high on adrenaline for most of my life.

Welcoming your thoughts on what I have written so far.

[Boy22]

Bad day today. SO majorly triggered me this morning, at least 20mins in EF. Then scraped my head on a bracket sent my pain levels soaring again. Back in my bedroom, doors, windows, curtains shut. Noise canceling headphones on.

I think this is going to be a do nothing more day.

[Three Roses]

A gentle if you want it.

[Boy22]

Thanks Three Roses, much appreciated.

[Hope67]

Hi Boy22,
So sorry that you have had bad pain levels, and I really hope you feel a bit better very soon.    to you, if that's ok.
Hope 

[Boy22]

Thanks hope,

I was awoken this morning by the sound of heavy rain on my roof causing my pain levels to surge again.

With the rain easing + my morning meds I have made it to yoga this morning.

Hope to get a little outdoor work done this afternoon. Probably need a nap from the early morning waking.

[Jdog]

Boy22-

Sending you caring and friendship from my little getaway here.  Hoping your pain is subsiding.

[Boy22]

I have finished off and posted my next blog entry, the rest of what I wrote follows here -

Besides the different parts of me are also the "scripts" I was taught as a child. So for any medical related appointment I am well groomed, well attired, well behaved and on time. This has led to most of my therapists perceiving me as higher functioning than I truly am. So I have begun to experiment with going off script. This caused my inner critic to get quite upset, angry, harsh. The first attempt went well. I was even unintentionally late, I parked and without self criticism I did not run or walk fast but went at a measured pace with my anxiety rising as I got closer.

That psychotherapy session and the next few after were spent exploring ways of going off script with my psychiatrists, my inner critic was quite clear that there was no way I could do that. In the end I did manage to go completely off script, with less anxiety each time.

And now Andy along with one of my psychiatrists have thrown me a conundrum. Stay in Auckland, or move up Matakana way. We already have two properties we will be viewing at the end of this week. Whilst I have been house sitting in Matakana, both Andrew and my psychiatrist have noticed how calmer and more relaxed and even happy I am. Auckland is a never ending supply of noise stress but I am unsure about the possibility of moving.

[Boy22]

Today my guts have locked up, my chest wall is rigid. Fear, uncertainty.

I sat down to write an email to one of my Ts, as I wrote it I realised what was happening and what steps I needed to take next.

My Inner child is frightened. All this work that has been done to create a safe space we will leave for what?

So I am working on comforting my inner child. The fear is valid and the adult me understands this and is able to make good rational choices.

Some yoga. Now calmer.

[Hope67]

Hi Boy22,
I think you did so well to look after your inner child in this - and to recognise what was happening.   Glad that you are feeling calmer and that the yoga helped you.  I find it interesting that when I heard the name 'Matakana' - it made me think of 'calmer' - just wanted to share that thought.  Whatever decision you're making, I wish you well with it.
Hope 

[Boy22]

Yesterday a decision was made and was further clarified this morning.

We are going to sell our beautiful home that have spent over $1M renovating to our standards and move to a semi-rural location so that I am not constantly struggling with noise stress.

This was what caused all the fear in my inner child a few days ago, yet yesterday when we went to visit to possible house + sizeable section options my inner child was calm in the comfort of adult me. Sadly though one is a magnificent but small home the spaces felt wrong to me (it has featured on the TV programme "Grand Designs").

So after yesterdays visits and some more internet searching we have decided to become cashed up buyers first and save the searching until we have certainty on what our budget will be.