The Journey of Boy22 - medical PTSD - *Trigger Warning*

[Boy22]

I am inspired by your "coincidence" of running into a former patient who happened to have a yoga practice which was small and personal for you. Isn't it great how life gives rewards just when you need it?

[Boy22]

Quiet dark time right now.

Earlier I thought I had lost my cellphone and started having an EF. I managed to hold myself, reassure my inner child that adult me had the capability to find the phone. I calmed down inside of 30 seconds! And found the phone a minute or so later.

Progress, but more practice needed.

[Three Roses]

[Jdog]

Progress is always worth noting!!  Congrats, Boy22!

[Boy22]

Pride cometh before a fall.

Really really horrible day today. More later, when I am up to it.

[Jdog]

Boy22, we all fall.  Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better.  Words of Pema Chodron, wise woman and Buddhist Nun beloved by millions.  No, I'm not a Buddhist.  Just another falling, failing human.

Be kind to yourself.  I'm working on that, too.  It's really hard.  Worth aiming for, though.

YOU MATTER.

[Boy22]

Thanks Jdog & BeHea1thy.

I realised yesterday that there are times my partner puts my needs below other people who may only be acquaintances and that those times force me into action to protect myself. He has a need to please others and feels safe enough with me to" dump me in it".

So I have to maintain my vigilance and be prepared to act, and do not always feel safe with him.

I have shared this with him. He has a therapist who he will work with on this.

Thank you for your hugs.

[Boy22]

An even deeper hole opened after that, fortunately one of my therapists was able to come to my home and we spent some time together. The next day I had a session with therapist number 2 and it was excellent.

Again we started in tears and ended in laughter. His challenge to me was to find and use my power while risking being seen as mean or bad.

[Deep Blue]

Wow that's awesome that you have that kind of relationship with your therapists that they were able to come to you.

I'm afraid that I do that with my partner as well.  I try to be cognizant if I am putting the needs of others instead of his. Even with that said, I typically put EVERYONES problems above my own.   I'm working on that 

[Boy22]

Hi BeHea1thy,

I started with the very trauma that sent me down that hole. My partners FOO, or rather a member of it is projecting on to me all the hate she never expressed to her ex husband because at some point in the past I said something similar to what he was saying at the time.

I have said to my partner that we have enabled her behaviour and that we need to stop enabling her abuse of me. Line in the sand.

[Boy22]

Well I was out in the garden yesterday, spring has sprung and it needs a bit of tidying up. I took a chunk of skin off the top of one of my toes on some garden furniture. And in my yelp of pain I contorted myself in such a way as to strain a muscle under my right shoulder blade.

At the time my toes pain was predominant, but today any movement of my chest, right shoulder and arm causes pain. I have taken panadol (acetiminophen) and am going to have a lot more quiet time today.

It took 2-3 hours yesterday for my brain to block my toe pain, I think I will need quite a bit more time to get this one sorted. At least I have learned to take panadol more often at these times otherwise my inner child - angry and in pain - pops out regularly when the world asks too much of me.

[Deep Blue]

Ouch! No fun!  I'm glad you are trying to practice self care to protect your inner child in a sense

[Jdog]

Hoping that by today you are beginning to heal and feel better all round.  Physical injuries have a way of bringing up a whole cascade of thoughts and emotions that are unexpected, at least for me.  I am also healing from physical injuries and it is a difficult journey.

[Boy22]

Sorry you had a cascade of injuries in the garden.  

At least I have learned to take panadol more often at these times otherwise my inner child - angry and in pain - pops out regularly when the world asks too much of me.

This is pretty familiar to me, I substitute panadol with a mild barbituate.

Hey BeHea1thy,

I am on clonazepam for my CPTSD, nortriptyline & gabapentin for my chronic pain.

And then when a physical injury arrives my whole system crumbles, I really cannot cope with any more pain.

So during this times if anyone asks too much of me my harshest self defender arrives on the scene. My angry inner child when expressed via the adult me is apparently terrifying to most people.

[Boy22]

Just had a pleasant afternoon having afternoon tea with old family friends who I have offered to drive them down to my fathers 80th birthday celebrations. They are of a similar age and appreciated the offer particularly as for both me and them it will need to be a three day trip so that we all have the energy for the day of the party.

My return to working was one of their questions. I stated I considered myself retired, not because I never saw myself working again but that I simply did not need the stress of worrying about that and preferred to put my energies into getting myself well. Then when I am well the right opportunity will appear. They enthusiastically endorsed this as an excellent approach.