Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Deep Blue]

Aw thanks Hope,
I actually like exam week.  It's pretty low key for teachers.  All we do is grade them and update the report cards 👌 yep hugs are always great from you

[Jdog]

Blue-

Yes, finals week is high stakes for students, less pressure for us.  My district starts just before Labor Day and so won't be having finals until late January.  Makes very little sense, as much is lost cognitively over holiday break, I'm afraid. 

You sound better, and I am glad for that. 

[Deep Blue]

My husband and son and I decorated the tree this evening.

It's beautiful. Once we finished, my son drew several ornaments to add to the tree.  So much love for that kid.

[Jdog]

Ahhhh..sweet!

[Sceal]

So lovely, Deep Blue.
Here we don't decorate the tree until the 23rd. Or atleast, that's what tradidion says. I have yet to put up christmas decorations at all.. so much needs to be properly cleaned first

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Great that you've decorated your tree - and that you did that with your husband and your son - and that your lovely son drew more ornaments for the tree - I bet it looks so lovely.    to you, Deep Blue.
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Talked to the director so I was feelin a bit better today.  He resisted a little and said, "well it needs to be a similar sound effect" but I quickly gave him 3 other options and it was ok.

Feeling uneasy tonight.  It's one of those panic attacks either before bed or while I sleep kinda nights 

[Deep Blue]

I've learned another trigger and it's important enough that I need to write about it here.  I was wrecked with nightmares last night.
***** trigger warning PA ********









If I am scolded, or it is perceived that I did something "wrong" this is a huge trigger for me.  This absolutely is tied to my abuse.  Sometimes I was punished for things that were not my fault.  Now, if I hurt someone's feelings, or step on someone's toes, or don't follow proper decorum I'm totally knocked down.  Deep breath.... during the worst of my abuse, I was often beaten savagely when I did something "wrong" acording to my abuser.  Sometimes this was real, but often it was a perceived slight.  My brain doesn't identify the difference between now and then.  It causes EFs for me and nightmares and the like.

**** end trigger warnjng*****



I did have a panic attack last night before bed.  I also woke up with one in the middle of the night as well. 

Today I have body memories and am really struggling to get through the day.  Any hugs would be hugely appreciated. 

[Hope67]

Dear Deep Blue,
Sending you some heartfelt hugs    You've been through a lot - realising that trigger and your body is reacting to that - as well as your mind, in terms of processing it.  That is huge. 
Some more hugs    I don't have many words right now, but just want you to know I'm thinking of you.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

 

 



i have a similar problem, so i get it.  i'm sorry you had to go thru such a horrible night, and such horrible experiences.  sucks. 

i hope your director goes with the options you gave him.  and, very proud of you for speaking up for yourself.  that's terrific, you courageous thing you.

  sending much love and a hug full of peace and calm.  ems embraces you, soothes you, whenever you need her, wraps you up till you feel safe again.

[Sceal]

Nothing but the warmest and softest hug for you my dear!   

I think that you are just wonderful, I think I am way overdue telling you this, and it sounds as if today would be a good day to remind you of how great you are.
You've made me smile and laugh, you've bravely shared your thoughts and you've been such a wonderful support. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

You know how I feel about you, sweetie.  SO much love here, and a million  too.  It's been an emotional day for me, too.  Must be something in the air triggering us.....

[Wattlebird]

Aw that's awful db
Sending some hugs
   

[Hope67]

Still thinking of you, Deep Blue - hope you are ok.   
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hope,
Thanks so much! I'm feeling much more like myself today.  I adore that you checked up on me too.  Thanks for validating my body memories.  I hate hate hate them.  I appreciate the acceptance about their existence   

Hey San,
I appreciate the ems embracing me.  I read your response many times and it means a great deal to me.  Thanks for being in my life sweetie.

Sceal,
It's amazing how I am actually able to breath easier during your responses.  They fill my heart with love and I'm grateful to you.

Jdog,
I agree, there must have been something in the air.  I'm sorry you were triggered too.  I'll go look at your journal.  Hope you are doing better


Wattlebird,
Thanks for the validation.  back to you