Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Sceal]

Aww darling! 

[sanmagic7]

so glad you're feeling better.  it's such a horrible thing to go thru.  much relief to be done with it.

i'm glad you're in my life, too - can't imagine you not there anymore.

so, we continue our journeys, one foot in front of the other - forward.  much love and hugs always.

[Deep Blue]

I think I'm getting sick.  Sore throat today and last night.  I'm achy and have a huge migraine.

It drives me nuts when my H takes so long to get home from work when he knows I'm feelin yucky.  I love my son with all my heart but I feel like a terrible parent when I'm not feelin great and he wants to ask me the millionth question about dinosaurs.  Ugh 

Then to top it off my M called me and i sent her to voicemail.  I texted her that I have a migraine and don't want to talk but she can text me.  So now she's mad... I can't win.  It's not even 6:00 and I want to quit and go to bed   

[Jdog]

Dear Deep Blue-

Your H isn't being very considerate and your M sounds pouty.  I'm so sorry you are sick!!  You are always the super Mom and super Wife and super Daughter and I think it is a big adjustment for your family when you can't fulfill their expectations.  But remember - your first responsibility is to yourself.  Heal, rest, and know that you are very precious!!  Sending love and a cup of hot tea!!

[sanmagic7]

i echo jdog's words, db.  so very sorry you're not feeling well.  it sucks to be a parent when you're sick, but, there it is.  i know you're doing the best you can, including with your mother - i hope you can see that about yourself and have patience with you. 

my h used to avoid being at home when i wasn't at my best to take care of everything.  i finally figured it out and confronted him about it.  it's just not fair.  i don't know if your h is doing that - it just rang that avoidance bell for me. 

sending love, a cozy warm blanket, some cheery flowers - daisies?  dahlias?  delphiniums? - in a crystal cut vase, and a gentle, soft hug. 

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Jdog,
Yes my M is pouty with me.  She isn't the same with my brother.  Then she acts like she was so worried about me.  Ugh... why do people buy this act from her?  Thank goodness my husband watched my son so I could go to bed early.

San,
Cozy blankets sound amazing thanks    I hadn't thought about avoidance but now I am thinking I should pay more attention.  The thing is, he always seems to drag his feet after work if I don't have dinner ready... hmmmm
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I'm feeling a bit better today.  I went to bed at 7:30 last night and obviously needed the sleep.  I still feel like I'm fighting something but I feel more like I'm "winning" the germ fight if that makes sense.

We started rehearsal for our play.  It's going pretty well.  It's a "radio" version, which means I have a few roles.  My T has a background in theater.  I've always made her stay far away during my plays, but I'm thinking of inviting her this year. It's her favorite Christmas movie and since it's radio, my lines will be in front of me. Still thinking about it...

[Jdog]

Wow - you have an amazing relationship with your T!   Back when I saw mine in person, I would not have considered inviting her into my regular life.....that's impressive. 

Glad you went to bed early and took care of yourself!

[Sceal]

I think it is wonderful that you are both fighting the germ and doing the radio play. I am glad that it turned out to be something you want and can do, and that you sorted out the previous obstacle around it. 
Maybe inviting her is a way for you to test your comfort zone levels? I think she would be happy to be invited. But you have to do what is good for you.  don't forget that bit.

[sanmagic7]

glad you're winning the germ fight, sweetie.  never a good time to be sick, but this time of year, with all the holiday stuff going on could especially suck.  sending anitbodies to help you win that fight!

i'm also happy for you that you were able to get to bed early and get some good sleep.  to me, that's one of the best healing devices made. 

the radio rendition sounds like fun.  i hope you're enjoying yourself.

i guess every t relationship is different.  we're taught not to acknowledge a client in public unless the client acknowledges us first - it's a confidentiality thing.  i don't know how i'd feel about getting invited like that, but that's just me.  i don't know your t or the relationship the two of you have.  i don't have any reservations about you inviting her, just a caution not to take it personally if she refuses.  there might be a boundary thing there, or an ethics thing.  i don't know - it's different for everyone.  i'm just throwing out possibilities for that scenario.

otherwise, sounds like a good time - it can be fun to be on stage.  enjoy!  love and  always.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
I chickened out. I didn't invite my T to the play.  I have till February so I may invite her later.

Sceal,
I think you are right about testing my comfort levels.  It would be a test, just not one I necessarily need to do.  So to be continued there...

San,
She's asked if she could come to one of my plays before and I have always answered NO!!!!!! I argued, what!?!? You want me to get a panic attack on stage?  Now is the first time I've ever considered it.  If she does come I'd also ask that she sit towards the back.  If she doesn't want to that's no sweat for me.
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Today I'm going through the motions... ever have days like that?

My T said that I seemed dissociated yesterday.  I told her I was fine... by the end of the session she said I seemed less dissociated.

 

Headache the last couple days and some body memories.  Not sure where they are coming from? Maybe some trigger I haven't realized? It's a specific body memory of PA so I'm confused

[Sceal]

maybe a part of you needed to remain a little dissociate in order to get through the last few days. Sometimes you need it in order to get by something, even if there's no immediate danger.

I hope that the headache passes by today, so you don't have to have that around too. physical pain is annoying to deal with ontop of everything else. But it can definitively be a part of mental stuff. No doubt.  Hope you get to do some self-care today

[sanmagic7]

yeah, i've had days like that.  today is one of them.  caught a cold, it's knocked me a bit sideways today, so after this i'm just gonna read, watch tv, just snuggle in.  sorry your headaches are still bothering you - hope they leave you alone soon.

i agree - you don't need to test yourself.  i think this is a 'want' thing - do you want her to come?  no pressure nor expectations/judgments.  nothing you have to or should do. 

keep taking care of you, ok?  i'm doing the same.  love you lots, and     (just a little hug at arm's length, don't want to get you sick.  lol.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
Once again you gave me that lightbulb moment.  I think you are spot on.  I have felt a little overwhelmed and I did need to dissociate a bit.  I guess I just didn't realize it.  I knew I've been feeling under the weather but now I'm wondering if those physical symptoms are actually mental struggle related.

San,
I'm sorry you caught a cold too.  I don't think I can catch a cold through OOTS    so maybe I will lean in for a hug anyway 

[Sceal]

 

[Deep Blue]

Struggling with body memories today.  Just sending this out to the universe.

Please make them go away. I can't take them much more and I'm afraid my resilience is slipping.