Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Jdog]

I'm always here beside you and ready and willing to catch you if you fall!!  It's a great honor to be your internet buddy!

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Yes, we are here to catch you - if you feel as if you're about to fall - I think we have strong arms - and strong faith that we can catch you - but hopefully you will float gently and find that you can fly.  Wouldn't that be great.  Sincerely, Deep Blue, sending you a hug of support and love    Know that we are with you.   
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Thanks you guys.  I had a strange thing happen today but I'm ok.
***** trigger warning for sexual content and PA****





I'm crazily trying to get my house ready for having people over tomorrow night for Christmas Eve dinner.  My husband was quite helpful today.  He helped me shop and bring in groceries and stuff. 

I left my son at the grandparents house.  My husband and I were bringing in groceries and it became apparent he was feeling frisky.  So whatever, we were making love and I had a flashback during!!!!!!   That's only happened once before and it completely knocked me out.  I had another one today while we were having *.  Something about the position of my body and his roughness triggered a flashback.  Just as last time, he didn't notice.

I took a shower afterwards and tried to wash off the flashback.  I'm ok... just ok. 
**** end trigger warning**

Has this ever happened to anyone before? I feel a bit ashamed and a bit damaged.  I'm ok, not having a panic attack or anything... just a bit foggy.

[sanmagic7]

sorry you're feeling ashamed, sweetie.  personally, i don't see anything shameful in what happened, but then i wasn't in a flashback, either, in such a delicate position.  i'm just glad you're ok.

i hope that eventually you can target what exactly caused the flashback so that possibly you can avoid it in the future.  twice?  that doesn't sound good.  love and hugs, db.

[Jdog]

I agree with San, no shame there.  I myself have usually had trouble with intimacy due to my past, and although I wouldn't categorize my troubles as panic attacks, I definitely have strong aversions to being sexually intimate much of the time. 

Here's a big hug for you

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue, I very much relate to your experience - I do have issues with intimacy - I've not been able to talk about it too much so far - but maybe one day I will - but I wanted to say I relate very much to what you're saying.    to you, Deep Blue.  I also agree with SanMagic and Jdog - there is NO shame there.
I'm glad you're ok. 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Hi db nothin to be ashamed of but I understand you don't really control your feelings, early in our marriage I had a couple of triggering incidents, I guess they were flashbacks but my husband noticed as I was aggressive and looked scared it was very obvious I was triggered we never spoke about it but I'm sure he understood and he never repeated the things that triggered me. I think San is right try to pinpoint exactly what is triggering ur flashbacks, it may be that these incidents are just fresh in your mind if you are dealing with things in therapy ect.
Not a nice thing at all, I also just thought of a podcast I listen to its called "foreplay radio sex therapy" it discusses these things and the issues around relationships and sex 

[Deep Blue]

Thanks San, Jdog, Hope and Wattlebird.  Your responses and insight are so valuable to me.  I appreciate you all very much.

I saw my T today and glossed over the flashback during s*.  She said... are we Yada yadaing that?  I changed the subject and said I wasn't ready to talk about it yet.  She didn't push me too hard to talk about it.  She said she knows me well enough by now to know when to prod and when it will be too overwhelming for me. 

I'm grateful for that.  She said she knows I will talk about it to her when I'm ready.  She knows Christmas and New Years are hard for me on a number of levels. 

I lost 2 friends to suicide in the month of December. One during college and one just last year.  I have Christmas related and New Years specific related triggers.  My grandmother passed away 5 years ago on Christmas Eve.  So yeah, it's just a rough time of year. 

I'm getting there though.  I'm trying to push myself without overdoing it and derailing. 

You are all dear to me. Thanks for the support 

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

I send you support for getting through this time with grace and for gaining in strength and resilience as you go.  Remember to be just as gentle with yourself as you are with all those for whom you extend such kindness.  You are a shining beacon of hope, a treasure to behold.  Precious cargo. 

Much love and 

[sanmagic7]

definitely what jdog said, sweetie.  the holidays can be stressful enough without all those sad memories added on.  holding out a hand - grab it when you need it.  i'm with you thru all of this.  much love and  embracing you till new year's is over - unless you still want it.  it can go forever. 

[Sceal]

Big Hug!

[Hope67]

Sending you another hug today Deep Blue - thinking of you at this time.   
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Here's wishing you a peaceful, happy new years Deep Blue! 🎉

[Deep Blue]

Today is the anniversary of my friend's death.  I miss her very much.  We lost her a year ago today.   I also woke up with pink eye today so yuck!
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The best thing about 2018 for me was joining this forum.  It has given me some good friends and some great lessons.

There has been some really tough stuff this year and I don't know where I would be without you guys.  You know who you are  Happy New Year