Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[MoonBeam]

A victory indeed Deep Blue!

It feels like each time we go through this it's different--sometimes a lot and sometimes just a little. Perhaps we're a little more resourced, able to practice even a little more self-compassion. And maybe we just know somewhere inside, that it will pass and we can get through it.  It's different too 'cause we're not alone in it anymore and we are loved.

I hope all of my use of "we" is ok. I so understand what you have been feeling and am so pleased for you, that it is passing.

You are amazing and no SH is huge!   

[Three Roses]

  you rock

[Deep Blue]

I'm so happy to report that I'm feeling "normal" again.

I also came to an important realization during the awfulness that is last week.

I don't share my trauma in real life. I don't tell my husband, friends, anyone and avoid talking about it at all costs.  3R pointed out to me that by being silent, it gives power to my abusers. They knew they could count on me being ashamed and count on my silence.

And so now... it's been almost 20 years and I've been painfully silent.  When I have weeks like last week, I don't have anyone in real life that know what I'm going through.  My T knows.... but I'm learning it's not enough.

An old friend of mine was an out.  It was her being the light at the end of the tunnel that helped me get away from the abuse. Then, the last 2 years, that friend and I have parted ways.  She didn't need to know my trauma... I could just hang with her and know things would be ok.

So now I have a HUGE step I'm thinking about.  I'm considering telling my husband that I have cptsd.  He thinks I go to therapy once (sometimes) twice a week for GAD.  I keep him in the dark on purpose.  So now I'm thinking of writing it all out in a letter and giving it to him. I'll sit by him when he reads it.  I won't tell specifics but I'm thinking if my husband knows what I struggle with... that may help me in the long run.

I'm terrified and not ready yet... but maybe one day soon I will be???

[Not Alone]

Glad you are through that terrible week. Proud of you for no SH. Continue to be kind to yourself. You have been through a huge, difficult ordeal.

I'm wondering why you keep your husband "in the dark?" What are your concerns &/or fears about him knowing what you are dealing with? (My husband and I go to marriage therapy once a month with my individual therapist. Husband knows some things; limited.) If you decide to share more, is that something you might want to do in a therapy session?

[Deep Blue]

Hey notalone,
I saw your question yesterday... I needed to think through to answer you properly though...

One of my biggest fears in life is that others will see me as I see myself.  I work hard to wear a mask in life. I wear it at home, in my job, in social circles.  I don't tell anyone about my trauma, including my husband.

In the past he has proven to be dismissive and unknowledgeable about mental disorders.  Example: His sister was hospitalized for SI and he brushed it off.

My husband doesn't know that I ever or still do SH.  I got a tattoo to cover a spot I had done a lot of damage to.  I worry that taking off this mask with him is essentially opening the door to him realizing I've never been fully honest with him.

I chose him on purpose you see...

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
You've made some big realizations - and I want to say that is great - I know you're considering whether to tell your husband about your C-PTSD - and whatever you decide to do, and in what arena you choose to do it (or not) I wish you support and hope that the outcome will be positive for you.  I remember when I first told my partner about some of my issues, and I felt very vulnerable, but I was glad that I did.  But of course, every person is different about how they are able to handle things.  But you've known him for a long time - and therefore there is longevity there that may make it stronger.  I don't know. 
Maybe discuss it with your T to see what she thinks about it?
I hope you don't mind my saying these things, I am just thinking about what you said, and wish you best with whatever you decide to do.   
Hope 

[Three Roses]

 

[Not Alone]

I understand the confusion and complexity of what and how much to tell or not tell, what can I really expect from my husband, what is he capable of, am I seeing him realistically or is my vision completely distorted by my past, what is safe, will sharing make things better or worse. . . ?

Regarding his lack of knowledge, would he be willing to learn? Of course knowledge doesn't mean he would be able to show compassion or empathy, but for some people understanding does help.

In the past he has proven to be dismissive and unknowledgeable about mental disorders.  Example: His sister was hospitalized for SI and he brushed it off.


I chose him on purpose you see...

I am very curious about the last statement you made.

[Blueberry]

In the past he has proven to be dismissive and unknowledgeable about mental disorders.  Example: His sister was hospitalized for SI and he brushed it off.

My husband doesn't know that I ever or still do SH.  I got a tattoo to cover a spot I had done a lot of damage to.  I worry that taking off this mask with him is essentially opening the door to him realizing I've never been fully honest with him.

I chose him on purpose you see...

I can understand you feeling hesistant to speak up about it in that case. Sounds as if it might be a good idea to run it past your T first? Standing with you however you decide.   

[Jdog]

I'm also standing with you, Deep Blue.  Your decision is very personal and not to be rushed. 

Sending you compassion and a blessing for peace.

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
As always, thanks for the support.  I'm nervous and today is not the day to tell him... I'm working on it though. I think of you when I think Of my sister in law.  You live in the same country 

Thanks for the hug 3R! Thanks for helping me get through the awfulness that was last weekend too.  I don't know what I would have done without you. 

Notalone,
What I meant was I chose my husband because he doesn't usually ask questions. He's kind of emotionally clueless.  He one time looked and said... oh you wear a watch in the shower? I said yep.  Now I have a tattoo to cover that area of my arm so I can shower watch free.  I wrote a poem about it if you feel so inclined. It's in the poetry section of the forum. It's called "The Face I Show You".

Thanks Blueberry,
My T thinks telling my husband would be a good idea.  I read her the short letter I wrote for him.  She asked if I had told him yet today.  I said no... I'm just not there yet.  She's ok with that. She is happy that I've grown cuz at one point I said I would never tell him anything.  Thanks for standing with me.

Jdog,
Thanks for standing with me.  Yeah I don't want to rush it. I'll get there when I am ready I think   

[Not Alone]

Thank you for sharing your poem. I could resonate with what you wrote. Here to support you whatever you decide to do. 

[MoonBeam]

Hey Deep Blue. Just wanted to say, I'm thinking of you and I believe you'll know when it's the right time. Looking forward to reading your share in the poetry section.

Peace...

[Deep Blue]

Thinking of starting a new journal.  Coming out on the other side of a couple bad EFs makes me feel stronger.  Even considering telling my husband about my CPTSD is a big step for me.  I really do think I'm starting to move forward here.

MoonBeam and Notalone,
Thanks for the support.  It means more from people who are in this forum.  As arduous as so many of our paths have been, it is so nice to have support from those who are still fighting.
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I had an incident that really triggered me today.  I'm a little confused about my reaction but am starting to break it down to understand it.

Today a friend of mine had an anxiety attack during our sports competition.  First she showed up... but was missing her shoes.  She had to leave and then come back.  We played without her for about 30 minutes.  Then all of a sudden she just bolted!!! She ran away!!!

I know anxiety attacks.  Not only do I suffer from them weekly, (sometimes daily) but I help students with them all the time.  I'm well read on them and know so much about the chemical changes in the brain and what we can do in order to calm one down.

So I ran up there to check on her and tried to get her to ground.  She was all over the place.  She kept trying to get rid of me instead of letting me talk her through it.  So she basically denied my help.  For whatever reason, her denying me really triggered me.  I am amped about it and it raises my blood pressure.

I'm a helper through and through. It's part of me.  So am I being denied a part of me? Is that why I'm upset?  Any insight on this would be super helpful! Thanks

[MoonBeam]

Hey Deep Blue.  It's so inspiring to hear you say you feel stronger on the other side of intense EF's. I do feel like each time we make it through, we gain strength, resilience, perspective. Gah, it's so hard in the moment though. Extra big cheers for you for recognizing your strength and growth and for being present for you!
As for your friend, I can't say what they were experiencing, but I know for me, sometimes being "seen" in my moments of what I think of as "weakness", when I'm down and out with anxiety, EF's, you name it, is more scary for me than being alone in it.  Sometimes, being supported is as dis-regulating as  "handling" it on my own. I use quotes, cause I'm not really handling anything--just gritting my teeth and getting through. But letting others in can be so scary.
It seems like maybe there will be some room for some gentle conversation around this experience between the two of you in the future. It feels like her response--pushing you away, was so not about you, but about where she was at. It's hard to let others in sometimes, even when we really need them and even though you offered perfect, patient, loving, understanding support, it may have been more than she could take in, in the moment.
Maybe you got through more than you know and it will just take time for your friend to be able to acknowledge what was happening for them.
It's really beautiful that you were able to offer support in that moment of crisis. The rest of it--how it is received, well, that's out of our hands. You can feel really good knowing that you cared and offered support. That's huge. A wonderful gift indeed.