Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
It's great that you are feeling those positive things - and making progress in that way.  Congratulations on that - it is really good.  I know you're considering starting a new journal - so am I - just thinking what to call it.  Anyway,  to you.

I related to your experience with your friend who had the anxiety attack and then denied your help.  You asked for insights, so I'll share my thoughts - I've just been re-reading Pete Walker's book 'Surviving to Thriving' and related to the part about having a 4F defense of being a fawn, and therefore a helper, pleaser, and many other terms, but that's me - I've done that constantly - and I think (for me) it comes from trying to placate an abuser and be the perfect daughter - and my wish to help others in my life also stems from that.  So, if someone were to prevent or decline such help - what could that mean to my psyche?  It could mean that I was being abandoned again, and that would hurt at a deep level.  So I wonder if this is also similar to what happened for you, as you described feeling upset.  Maybe it threw you into a depression or abandonment melange - because if you're not seen to help, then maybe you might not feel seen or heard at all. 

I realise I've written quite a bit here, so apologies for the length, but I hope that what I have said makes some sense, and I don't really know if I've got the right sense of it myself - but it is what came to mind.

to you, Deep Blue. 

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

MoonBeam,
You are right.  I am giving my friend some space but some gentle conservation sounds good when she's in a better state.  Maybe in a couple weeks??? 

Hope,
You don't have to apologize! I welcome your thoughts always my dear.  Part of me wonders...  it was interesting about what you wrote about the fear of abandonment... the more I think about it... it could be something similar.

I always fight for the underdog.  I just do. I don't want a student or person to feel unloved... unloveable...

When the worst of my trauma was happening... no one noticed. No one stepped in and said... where did you disappear to? Are you ok? Why are you limping?  Not a teacher, adult, someone that had power!!!  So the power stayed with my abusers. I think deep down I wanted to be noticed, I wanted someone to come take care of me and stop me from falling through those cracks.

That's why I teach now. I try desperately to be that person. I want to help those and notice when others are struggling.  It sort of became a secret mission  ya know?  So now when my friend denies my help... part of me feels incomplete.  Who am I if what I say falls on a deaf ear?  I already had to stand back and watch a friend drown emotionally this year... I wonder if this stirred that up for me again?

[Jdog]

 

[Three Roses]

I always fight for the underdog.  I just do. I don't want a student or person to feel unloved... unloveable...

This, for me anyway, is a way for me to experience the compassion I missed in my youth - to give it now, when I can. But practicing self care, too, so that I don't become exhausted.

[Not Alone]

I always fight for the underdog.  I just do. I don't want a student or person to feel unloved... unloveable...

When the worst of my trauma was happening... no one noticed. No one stepped in and said... where did you disappear to? Are you ok? Why are you limping?  Not a teacher, adult, someone that had power!!!  So the power stayed with my abusers. I think deep down I wanted to be noticed, I wanted someone to come take care of me and stop me from falling through those cracks.

That's why I teach now. I try desperately to be that person. I want to help those and notice when others are struggling.  It sort of became a secret mission  ya know?

Deep Blue,

Your note reminded me that two teachers noticed something was amiss and asked me a question. "Why did you choose this newspaper article to share?" and "Is everything okay at home?" I was too disconnected from myself to even know what was happening and even if I wasn't disconnected I would have been too afraid to answer. However, after all these years, I remember that someone noticed something and cared enough to ask.  Yay to you for being that person for your friends and students. Even if the person doesn't respond, your care makes a difference.

[MoonBeam]

Wow, Deep Blue.  That is some powerful insight. Inspiring for sure.  And like 3 Roses shared, In a way, I imagine it might kind of feel like a way to repair the loss of not being cared for, in a sense, saving our little selves too--to "experience the compassion...missed in youth." I'm so sorry no one was there to care for you. Big if that's ok.
I feel very much the same and I am fierce if someone tries to hurt someone I know or care about now.  What you wrote about not wanting anyone to feel unloved or unlovable really resonated with me. Sometimes, even the smallest gesture of caring can mean so much when someone is hurting. For someone to say or show another "you are worthy and you are loved"--what a gift. A good thought for me to ponder today, also as a reflection for self-care.

I hope there is an opportunity for you and your friend to connect and they can feel the compassion and love you have for them.

[Hope67]

When the worst of my trauma was happening... no one noticed. No one stepped in and said... where did you disappear to? Are you ok? Why are you limping?  Not a teacher, adult, someone that had power!!!  So the power stayed with my abusers. I think deep down I wanted to be noticed, I wanted someone to come take care of me and stop me from falling through those cracks.

Sending you a hug of compassion and love Deep Blue    I wish someone could have seen you, and helped you, and exercised their power to rescue from what happened. 

Your words have also resonated with me.   
Hope