Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

Started by Deep Blue, September 18, 2018, 09:02:03 PM

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Deep Blue

Three Roses,
You are so right! That is exactly what it is.  I didn't realize it because I'm not typically a flight responder.  I always freeze so I couldn't identify it! Thanks.  You labeling the emotions helps a lot.

Thanks for holding my hand JDog.  Looking me in the eyes helps.  It feels more supportive somehow.  Love ya!

San, thanks for all the options, looks like a combination of the words was right on.  You are such a dear to me  :hug:

Deep Blue

Ugh here we go again...
Will I ever not be triggered when my son gets sick? I swear he gets sick all the time.  He turned 5 a couple weeks ago and now he has a fever.

I hate not being in control and I hate that he gets sick

Hope67

Hi Deep Blue,
Sorry to hear that your son has a fever.  I hope he is doing ok today?  Sending you a hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Jdog

Blue-

Don't place shame and blame on yourself for your responses.  You deserve care just as your sweet son deserves care. 

Sending you kind thoughts at this difficult time.

Wattlebird

Hi DB
Sorry to hear your son has a fever, I'm sorry it's so triggering for you as well.
sending a hug   :hug:


Deep Blue

Thanks for the hugs guys.  I'm just having a tough time of it today.  Can I just say... it's so hard to parent as a trauma survivor.  It's like when I'm down, I don't have any defenses If the flashbacks come.

Had a flashback this afternoon and it's knocked the wind out of me.  Hoping to get a shower and wash the memory of it down the drain  :Idunno:

Hope67

Hi Deep Blue,
Washing that memory down the drain sounds good.  I hope you were successful in your hope to do that when you showered.  Sending you a gentle hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Wattlebird

Your right about parenting as a trauma survivor being difficult, being aware of this though will help you significantly. I hope that doesn't sound trite, I just mean you are far less likely to pass that trauma on to your son. That of course is the hard part, I'm trying to actually encourage you but seems like I'm digging a bigger hole. Sorry

Deep Blue

Dear sweet Hope,
Thanks so much. Hugs from you are always great.  Thanks so much for your kind words always.  :hug:

Wattlebird,
Ha ha it did sound encouraging! Thanks so much.  I know you get it and that is validating to me.

I've been having tons of flashbacks lately, some are emotional but many are visual flashbacks and nightmares.  I've been Sorting through trying to figure out why I'm getting them.  My T thinks I'm avoiding.  I think she's right.  It just took me awhile to realize it.


Jdog

Sending along  :hug: and the confidence that you will make your way through this hard time.

Deep Blue

Thanks Jdog love ya
—————————————————-
Deep breath and huge TRIGGER WARNING !!!!!!!! *********



Things have been really tough for me lately. Kizzie pointed out to me that I'm probably in an EF.

Long story short I keep getting barraged with flashbacks during the daytime. 

One of my coworkers' daughter was in a facility for trying to take her own life several times. She was my student and so was my coworker's other daughter.  Both of them have now been hospitalized for suicide ideation and severe SH.

My coworker doesn't seem to get that it's not healthy for me to hear about it.  One daughter was strapped to a bed when he tried to visit her. (I should probably add that she is high functioning autistic) yeah and I can't help it but it triggers the need to SH in me and these dumb visual flashbacks.

Those who have read around the forum probably realize I don't do well with tight spaces.  I was often forced to ride home in the trunk of a car.  :Idunno:  I always did what I was told and hated EVERY second of it.

Something I have not shared on the forum is.... deep breath deep breath...
I was routinely bound, gagged and left there.  My T has called it leaving me "hog tied" which usually leads to me getting a panic attack in session.

So the idea of my coworker talking about his severely depressed daughter bound to a bed is too much for me.  It's just too much.  I don't cry... tears don't come... another lovely leftover of PA  :Idunno:  so the only way I have reprieve from my emotions are if I SH or have a panic attack.  And that is where I am right now.

So yeah... I'm feel devastated and alone and broken... all part of the EF I guess  :Idunno: 

If you made it though all that, can I just say I feel alone and that I really need a hug. 😔

Three Roses

#372
Oh my God, sweet Deep Blue. How horrific. How unspeakably terrible for a child to endure such horrific abuse.

My empathy is sky high for you. Truly a horrible, horrible thing to have endured. Gentle wishes for you, peace, self-compassion.  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

:grouphug:

:bighug:

Not Alone

Horrendous. I have many feelings after reading the horrible things that were done to you. I feel anger toward the one(s) who abused you. I feel sadness. I feel great compassion for you.  :hug: You were and are deserving of care, tenderness, and love.

woodsgnome

#374
I'm staring at this screen, knowing that words don't exist with which to adequately express any feelings. Except -- the deepest mental/spiritual hug I can come up with:

                        :bighug:

Not so sure about the huge smile on this emoticon, but I guess it can represent that hope we all have somewhere deep within; or we wouldn't be here...

...for you. For your healing, your spark, and for having the fortitude it takes to struggle past the senseless things that were done. Flashbacks are such a shock to the system. But when broken apart, the 'flash' part of that word can disappear, and can only go backwards. That there is any 'back there' is very disheartening, but it also is where it should be returned, so in the present your own beauty is left shining in spite of all the pain.  :hug: