New here. Emotional abuse warning/long post

[YellowRose]

Hello there. I'm here because I've been dealing with C-PTSD for a while now and I need a safe space where other people understand what I'm going through. I haven't said it all here before so.. this might be a long post.

I think the start of when it all happened was after my father died when I was ten years old. I don't remember much before that, and most of what I remember after was about how I felt during the abuse and remembering arguments. My parent's love was the type people always talk about wanting, their love for each other was something you could always see, it was so visible the way they looked at each other. When my father died, my mother was heartbroken, grieving, and also having to take care of her two elderly parents who both have dementia and alzheimer's disease.

It seemed like little things at first, and looking back I know stress and grief played a big roll in my mother's actions. Most of the time it was  arguments about inane things, comments or sarcasm that injured the way I felt about myself. I was quite independent and assertive as a child, and my mother was as well, which led to two strong-minded women bickering at each other. I learned how to injure with my words from the things she said, and both of us could get quite cruel when we got angry, which created an environment that wasn't good for either of us.

While I know reacting and arguing back didn't help alleviate the situation, I still believe I was trying to defend myself. My mother could be vicious when she wanted to be, singling out my 'flaws' and badgering me about them until I conceded or promised to change. Most of my flaws were differences in how I acted, in comparison to how she was as a child. She had four siblings, most of which were troublemakers or manipulative in some way. She was the last child, and observative. She's told me that she noticed the things her siblings did and avoided those actions, becoming labeled as the 'perfect child' by her siblings, and earning the favor of her parents. She tried to do whatever she could to please her parents, whether that was chores or following their rules or trying to help out, she did it. Her siblings (and occasionally, her, too) constantly got 'disciplined' by way of belt beatings or spankings, or angrily yelled at by their father. I understand now that this was abuse. Her father had a temper and often when one of his children disobeyed, the punishment was more severe.

I could never seem to live up to her standards of a child, even though I tried. I would fix one aspect she didn't like, and then she'd find something else. I often got exasperated and upset at the way she was going about things (which was usually with an angry, loud voice, and threatening body language). When I tried to point those things out, she got angry and told me I was trying to overrule her authority as my parent, and as my parent she had the right to teach me the way she so chose.

While she never directly hit me, she didn't have to. Her words and actions (occasionally banging on the wall to emphasize her point, pointing objects at me threateningly or rearing back as if she was going to hit me, looming over me and providing no chance of escape, slamming doors/blocking my path if I tried to leave) were enough to hurt and frighten me into obedience. One of her most common issues with me was that I didn't 'respect' her authority/ability as a parent, and that I was challenging her by telling her that her actions weren't right. Aside from at the very beginning, I knew the things she was doing weren't right or out of love, or desire for me to become a better person, she was looking for things to get angry about, to fight about. She later told me she didn't know how to parent without my father, (because of the way that she was raised - she said she hadn't been shown the proper way to discipline a child) and also told me that my father had always been her balance, her strength. He was the one who could always calm her down, the one she deferred to and trusted when things got too much for her. Before his passing, my father often was in charge of my punishments (let me tell you, there were a lot - I could be devious when I wanted to be, in that way that some kids are) but while strict, he always tried to explain what I did wrong, why I was being punished, and what my punishment would be. He rarely became angry, which is something I respect him for.

Some of the reasons my mother got angry were because of my lack of desire to do chores or picking up things around my room. Her comments would start out as something simple, and then quickly snowball into accusations and insults. Many times I tried to de-escalate the situation, ("Okay, I'll do that." "I'm sorry") but I learned that when my mother wants to be angry, she'll find a way. She had rebuttals for everything, from "No, it's not okay!" to "Sorry isn't good enough anymore!" Part of the reason I wasn't doing more was because I was deeply depressed, my father's passing being painfully traumatic, and I had no desire to do anyhing, not just chores. I was also unknowingly sick and I was in pain a lot of the time, although I wasn't diagnosed until some time later with juvenile arthritis. My father had also been similarly sick, with rheumatoid arthritis, osteoporosis and a host of other conditions. This became a sort of pitfall, as at the time my mother had trouble handling my being sick (as she needed my help to take care of my grandparents and seeing me sick reminded her too much of my father).

It took a long, long time of the cycles of abuse and constant passive-aggressiveness, but I got to a point (with the help of articles and information on how to recognize abuse) where I laid it on the line; I told her if she couldn't stop harming me and our relationship, that I would leave. At that time, I was only about fifteen, but I was constantly depressed and nearly ended it several times. I was on medication, but that only went so far while the abuse was still going on.

Long story short, it was a long process but my mother recognized how much she was hurting me, and with the help of a family friend who was a psychoanalyst, we started having therapy and improved our communication. She also stopped drinking alcohol, which had the effect of causing her to get angrier. Flash forward to now, and it's a stark difference from what it used to be. She works now on controlling her anger, and our relationship has improved immensely.

However.

I still deal with the side-effects of the emotional abuse I went through, and at times she doesn't completely understand why I haven't forgiven her/gotten over it yet when I'm triggered or I remember details of the abuse and I go through a wave of emotions; anger, pain, fear. I know that's something I have to deal with and adjust my actions accordingly depending on what's happening, but sometimes she gets hurt when I bring it up (not intentionally) or go through periods of distrust.

A good example is this: We're training a new puppy and he often gets into trouble, but she's trying hard not to react physically (although that was a difficult battle, teaching her that physical punishments don't work with animals and cause them to become aggressive) and we've had a conversation about the right kinds of discipline in this scenario, and she listened.

Even though I know this and understand she doesn't use physical discipline on the puppy, I still have freakouts. Earlier today she was quite upset that the puppy had chewed up her mousepad and torn off the backing, and she was punishing him verbally. (Bad dog, i'm upset that you did this), everything you're supposed to do with training dogs. Then I heard a sharp sound that reminded me too much of a slap, and paired with the loud voice it triggered me into freaking out and yelling, "Don't hurt him!" The sound was actually her peeling off the backing of the mousepad, not slap him. Understandably, she got hurt that I would think she slapped him, and retreated into her room.

While I know, logically, she's changed and it's different now, a part of me will always revert back to that fear mode in which she's unpredictable, and I don't know what's going to happen - I just have to get through it.

I know my ptsd is something that will likely stick with me for a long time, but trying to explain that to her, that it won't go away anytime soon, is difficult. I know she wants to have a good relationship and move forward, but it's hard to move forward when I have episodes or go through flashbacks, which bring up bad memories and emotions. I don't know how to tell her that this is just something I have to live with. I know she's changed, but she seems to think that because she's changed and not hurting me anymore, that the pain of that will fade (instead of it being an actual illness that takes an active role in my life).

A note: I'm still living with her and my grandparents, and while our relationship has changed for the better, I know that many people say that getting away from the source of it all will help me to heal. Our living situation is difficult, which means I won't be able to move anytime soon even if I was completely sold on the idea. For the time being, are there any methods you guys have found that help with flashbacks/dealing with the stress and emotions of previous pain? And while I can't move, is there anything that could help me deal in the present?

Another note: Thank you for reading and letting me spell it all out. I know I've needed a place to just talk and I'm so grateful you're here for that purpose. Thank you.

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS Yellowbird. It sounds like confronting your M and being in therapy with her you are doing what you need to recover so    Many of us here and professionals such as Peter Levine and Pete Walker think of CPTSD as an injury rather than a mental illness.  This means recovery is more within reach than previously thought and that is good news.   

It may take some time to learn to trust and to calm your system down but having your M involved and trying to change and communicate will likely go a very long way to helping with that.  Most of us here never got that with our parents (or other perpetrators) and struggle to recover because we don't have a glimmer of a change for a healthier relationship. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi yellow rose
Thank you for your post and sharing.
I am in admiration that you had a voice and stood up. For yourself. I was so quiet and didn't say anything until I was a teen and even then not much... I just was trapped in the pain. It was only as I got much older that I found my voice.
It sounds from what u say that healing has gone on yet the source of the healing was the injury so that's tricky.
When I'm triggered having my own space away from the energy of people is important do u have your own space at the house? I have a collection of things to help regulate me and provide some sense of containment these Inc: grounding and breathing techniques - and self soothing - eft tapping - having safe people to call esp people who have good recovery with cptsd (see acoa 12 step fellowship for possible meetings in your area)
Exercises to help me get into my rational brain - and wrapping myself in a blanket - going to bed-aromatherapy - visualising my safe place
A lot of this work I have developed with a therapist and it has much more power than when I was trying to just do it alone.. I've just had a year of trauma informed therapy. Are u in therapy or have any support?
Also and I hope u don't mind me saying I picked up on when u were teaching your m not to hit the dog. I know for me when I had a relationship with my m I felt v responsible for her and was more of a mother to her than her to me. Not saying this is how it is in your relationship but I know for many of us that was or is the case...
I spent years trying to get my parents to understand how affected I'd been but it always fell on deaf ears. I've since learnt how to have stronger emotional boundaries with my d and grandmother and that helps me stay safe. However I only see them once a year so it's different. There is also a sister site called out of the fog you may find helpful re relationships with family...
I'm glad you are here keep gentle with u and get more of what u need