Hypervigilance with children

[Blueberry]

I read the description of hypervigilance pinned here and realised that's what I was suffering from when I last spent a significant amount of time with my godson, his siblings and their mum. It's useful for me to have a name for it because that way I see - it's cptsd again. Note: I'm not so hypervigilant about making sure the children don't get hurt, it's about making sure they don't do anything wrong. I know it's not good at all that I react this way, but it is what it is. My godson's mum thinks he sort of understands and doesn't attribute it to himself. Though I don't know. I did apologise to him. But ime apologies are only OK if you actually change your behaviour. I don't believe in my case that merely wanting to change will lead to a change. I think some deeper healing needs to take place.

As I think also Kizzie mentioned, I'm hypervigilant but their are still situations in which I leap sky high when something unexpected happens. Certain noises do that to me. The phone used to, it did when I still lived at home with FOO and it did all my adult life until recently when FOO finally accepted my limit of "I don't want phone calls".

[Boy22]

Hey Blueberry, it is a difficult time to be protective of the young ones whilst simultaneously being protective of your young one.

Of that I can say no more than offering a hug. 

[Kizzie]

I'm not so hypervigilant about making sure the children don't get hurt, it's about making sure they don't do anything wrong.

Do you have any idea of why you don't want them to do anything wrong BB?

Re the startle response - My poor H walks quietly and I am forever jumping out of my skin when (in my estimation) he simply appears out of nowhere near me    But it happens a lot.  The other day I went for a bike ride and was putting my bike away in the garage when I suddenly heard "Hello" and yelped.  It was just my neighbour saying hi - she apologized for startling me.

In one research article I read recently about the six main symptoms of CPTSD a heightened startle response was identified under hypervigilance.   Maybe it's that our systems are so primed to take flight we overreact to stimuli? 

[Deep Blue]

I just had a thought here Bluberry.  Maybe you don't want them to do anything wrong because you have a deep seeded fear that is engrained in you?  Perhaps your FOO always scapegoated you, criticized you, and blamed you when things went wrong?  You are protecting them in a sense.  You are protecting the little ones from what would happen to you growing up?

Tell me to shove it if I'm off base too.

[Blueberry]

No, that's fairly close to the truth Deep Blue. It might even be part of it.  The other part of it is that I as scapegoat grew up trying to predict who would do what wrong and trying to stop them in advance so that I wouldn't be blamed for the thing being done / something being broken (that's a big one) / someone being too loud and probably a whole bunch of other 'wrong' actions.

It's definitely more protecting myself from being blamed for their misdeeds combined with an inability to judge what is a misdeed or not, than protecting them. Deep-seated fear is certainly correct. An EFT round of "I accept myself even if other people make mistakes" might help. I've only just thought of that. Without mulling on this now, I wouldn't have come up with this EFT idea. Thanks OOTS!

[Oscen]

Hi Blueberry, I know this is an old post but I saw what you said about apologies and thought I'd add my 2c.

You said that apologies are only ok if you change your behaviour. Think this is a bit of black and white thinking and might not be strictly true. I think if you have recognised a problem and you have an intent to improve and seek the necessary resources, then your apology can be meaningful. Some problems simply can't be fixed overnight, but you can be sorry and ask for forgiveness. It could be positive for your godson, as we often tell children that it's ok to make mistakes and to take time to grow, but then we give them the exact opposite message when we don't accept mistakes or gradual improvement in ourselves.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for adding your view here, Oscen!

My older B has actually apologised for some stuff and meant it then but has not otherwise changed his behaviour towards me significantly. When we were teenagers and abuse was still going on, I stopped speaking to him for months (as my last defence), so eventually he asked M what he should do about this. She suggested he apologise which he did, but it was obvious to me at the time that he did so in order to not have the embarrassment of me passing him on the street in front of his gf or other friends and completely ignoring him. Not that I knew it at the time in so many words but in retrospect I'd say: "apologising is NOT enough, you have to change your behaviour and attitude towards me too. I am not your emotional and physical punching bag and I am not the family garbage dump."

Also M used to fly off the handle at B when he was very small (2-3 years old) and she claimed it was OK because she always apologised afterwards. No, it was not OK! If you're beating up your small child, you need to get help fast imo!

So I guess you're right about the intent. I know my behaviour's not OK and I'm trying to improve. I tend to see my own behaviour as bad as or worse than FOO's. This isn't the first time that somebody's showed me the difference, so thanks!

[Oscen]

Hi Blueberry,

That sounds tough, I can see why you have a difficult relationship with apologies when your family used them to wallpaper over the cracks of abuse.

I think if you're taking concrete steps (even just one step at a time) to work on the issue then you are not using apologies to avoid responsibility but as they are intended, to show the other person that you care that you hurt them and want to try to repair the damaged trust.

Of course, it's very easy to say this but it's hard to live by. I find apologies, forgiving myself, and believing in my capacity to change for the better difficult too.

[Gromit]

Wow, this reminds me of when my kids were small, when the health visitor came or I had to go to the doctor. And I think it does stem from the fact my mother thought children should be 'seen and not heard'. I am shocked when I find older people who have the opposite approach, they enjoy children who are spontaneous.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for writing on the thread, Gromit, because I re-read it and have discovered that some deeper healing has obviously taken place 

I don't believe in my case that merely wanting to change will lead to a change. I think some deeper healing needs to take place.

I don't think the problem has disappeared but it has certainly got better. Possibly not because of 'wanting to change' but due to general improvement taking place with all the therapy and other healing I'm doing. However it's really good to see this thread and topic today, a day where I've been feeling low after a resurgence of triggers, EFs, old worries and behaviour all around the topics of 'doing' especially doing faintly technical activities with my hands, and turning instructions into actions...

Me too, Gromit, I heard the children should be 'seen and not heard' gambit. My M was actually joking, sort of. At least it seemed that way at the time but probably deeper down she believed it. Or at least what she didn't want to hear (words, content or emotions) or who she didn't want to hear e.g. me was meant to keep quiet.

[Three Roses]

My f said that all the time! "Children should be seen and not heard." A holdover from older times. An antiquated approach!

It had to be quiet in the house where I grew up. Like a tomb. Now, I love the noisiness of children, their boisterous play. To be young, innocent and exuberant! It's a joy to see and hear.