Struggling with fighting impulses TW

[Sceal]

I had stopped SH for a long while, years actually. I thought it wasnt an issue anymore. Then I was re-traumatized, and it came back. But I had more skills and more things to do in order to fight the impulses. And with help of Lady T, I have been free of all of the various SH for atleast 6 months.

But not anymore. Things are too hard, I struggle so much with using other coping mechanisms.

I am sharing this here, incase it helps me, not doing any SH by talking about it. I hope that's okay.

[Deep Blue]

 

Dearest Sceal.  I'm sitting with you in this. 

[Kizzie]

Of course it's okay Sceal - here to listen 

[Blueberry]

Sitting with you too Sceal.

[Sceal]

Thank you so much you guys.
I fought the fight today, and I won today's battle. But I know tomorrow will be another one, and the weekend especially. The war isn't over, but I won today. 

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Sceal
That's great!    No judgement either way from me.  You are so strong.... hmm (pretend it's a muscle emoticon)

[Sceal]

TRIGGER WARNING

I had a lengthy talk with my GP today about SH. I told her that it's starting to pick up again, and she wants me to think about next time the reasons FOR doing it, and the reasons AGAINST doing it. I told her that the list on the for side is usually longer and more intense. I only got on on the against, and it's such a long term  thing. It's that as long as I SH I will keep attacking my body and I will keep my self-hatred and resent fester and grow stronger, and it'll prevent me from recovering. From healing. So it is a big Against. But it's so far off, and I don't see the affects at all.
She tried to tell me that scarring and worst case scenarios of infection to the heart and amputation should also be on my against list. I have enough medical training to treat myself to prevent that from happening, and I do know when to seek professional help, so it's not really my concern.  She understood, but she still told me she felt it was hard to hear that I'm at this stage now. She wants to admit me to the hospital, but I told her it wont be helpful at this stage.

But I trust her, so I will attempt to think for and against when I'm standing there at the edge. And hopefully I'll see her before me, and I'll do my best to stop.. to well, please her. Or to have her be proud of me. It's something.

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Sceal,
I'm so sorry.  My GP doesn't know I SH.  I cover it up when I'm there.

Why did she want to admit you to the hospital? Was it for SH or for your mental health? 

I'm glad you said your piece and that it would not be helpful to you at this stage.  Sending you the strength I have.

[Kizzie]

Sceal maybe it would be helpful to talk in your posts about the self-hatred you feel and whether you truly do deserve to think that way about yourself.  Are you really the horrible person you think you are when you're triggered or does your perpetrator deserve that judgement? 

The other thing I thought of when I read your post is that if you had safe ways to direct your anger outward instead of inward it might help? It's something you could talk about with your T - ways of doing so that are not harmful to anyone or yourself but help direct the anger where it should go and release it.

You just don't deserve to hate yourself Sceal, whomever traumatized you needs to be held accountable if not directly, emotionally inside you at least.             

[Blueberry]

  

[Sceal]

Thank you for your thoughts Three Roses! 
I'm not sure if I have words for my self-hatred, but I do like the question you're asking. I should ask myself that time and time again.

But so often, when I need to SH, I don't feel anger. I rarely ever feel anger at any point tbh. It's more desperation for it all to stop being so overwhelming. Or desperation for me to punish myself when I clearly need it. If that makes sense?

[Kizzie]

I guess where I was going with the being anger Sceal is that in order to feel self-hatred you would be angry at yourself for not being  _______________________ (fill in the blank)? 

If it were something like "I hate myself for not being good enough" it would be tied to be angry at yourself for not being good enough and where did that belief/idea come from?  Probably an external source (whoever traumatized you and deserves the anger). 

I'm probably making this about as clear as mud     Am I off base?   

[Sceal]

Hmm! You ask some good questions, and I see where you're coming from.
Maybe I'm just so used to disconnect from my own anger that when it's seeping through in actions like SH and thoughts of self-disdain and loathing I don't recognize it as anger?

[Kizzie]

I also wondered if perfectionism comes into this Sceal - when you don't "measure up" your anxiety/anger/self-loathing ramps up?  And if so why is perfectionism is an issue? IME it generally comes from being hurt by others for being imperfect and being made to feel negatively about ourselves (eg., less than, disgusting, unworthy of love...)

We didn't earn that self-image by being all that though, we learned it and that's what I meant about directing the anger where it belongs (which is not on yourself).   

[Sceal]

I think you're touching on something there, Kizzie! I do struggle with being good enough and performing good enough. Or perhaps I feel I need to somehow perform better than good enough to make up for my existence. And when I find myself unable to exceed expectations it just doesn't go very well. And I feel I constantly fail on exceeding expectations. Mine and others.

I've definitely been told I am undeserving of love, affection and validation by others. And I do believe they are right. Which is so hard to deal with when I sense dissapointment by others and when I fear I will dissapoint.