Struggling with fighting impulses TW

[Blueberry]

Or perhaps I feel I need to somehow perform better than good enough to make up for my existence.

Sounds very familiar.

This is still very hard for me to believe deep down but my T had me repeating "I have a right to my spot in this world, just like everybody else and just as much as everybody else." The same goes for you Sceal, if this is indeed your topic. 

[Sceal]

Thank you Blueberry.   
I do have the same problem there as you do. I don't quite yet am ready to take my place in the world for ME. I can take my place in the world if it is an extension of someone else or protecting someone else.

Lady T brought up SH in today's session. I wasn't quite so pleased to be spending the entire session with her on this as I wanted to talk about other things.

But in the end I realized something... And I had to be open and tell her.
I honestly don't see my SH as that big of a concern. I don't see it as so serious - and I think that is a problem. I think I need to dig a little deeper to understand why that is so.
She gave me homework for the weekend, and that is to write the pro and con list for long term and short term SH.

I said some things today she found important to explore. If only I could remember what...

I should re-read your inputs and thoughts to me in this thread. I think it is valuable to the insights you've shared with me, and the things you've pointed out.

[PERDITRIX06]

Hi there. I don't like to use my real name on the internets but people call me Six. Don't know why, they just do. Any who. I read your little tidbit and ihop that I am not too late to offer some assistance or at least a cyber shoulder to lean on. I'm 33 and i still struggle with the impulse of SI. It's hard. It's allot of why I had to leave the city and the people that I care about. I isolate, was ashamed, embarrassed, in pain,and in tears. But i think what made me feel the worst was that I liked it. i actually like it. It was instant gratification and i can't even spell patience, let alone abide by it. So it is difficult. I hop e that i can help you at east a little. First off, don't beat yourself up about it. It happened lets move forward to keep  the good things rolling. I try to find other coping tools when i feel like i need to cut or dent my car again with my fist. I usually get online and google the most random thing i can think of. For example, today I googled what the official term is for someone with a licking fetish. I got Oculolictus. Which is the fetish of licking eyeballs. Random right? then I go looking for forums or something t not these people because i want a glimpse of their world. doesn't always work, but its something. I listen to allot of music, usually mellow complex stufg/ Hey, don't  you like radiohead?? I love them. Anyway, please, if you can, try tp resort/ O
t da,m near impossible in the beginning and i'm still kinda right there with you on that one. But i finally turned in my very last knife to my BHW . It was so hard to let her go. She was like a security blanket for me. Please feel free to email me anytime that you just want to vent or have a virtual penal or whatever. I want to help you and i think that you can help me. We  got this!

[Sceal]

Thank you for your kindness Perditrix.
I am sorry to hear you've had it so rough, and that you're still struggling with this. I'm in the same age-boat as you. I do have several lists all over the place reminding me of other strategies to fight impulses. It helps being reminded. sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.
Although, for the past 3 weeks I've managed to not have any major impulses to SH. These days it's more about comfort food instead. Or sleep. I'm back to sleeping alot again.

[PERDITRIX06]

Hi there,
Sorry if i got your messafe later than intended. I haven't been on the site for awhile. The coincidences were a  little too close to home to not feel a bit paranoid. Oculoictus especially. I also googled living fetishes because i encountered a client at the behavioral health facility that i volunteer at and that's beyond random and serendipity. It made me too paranoid to get back on my computer for awhile and i even put my pone in the fridge with the SIM card removed. Like i said, i'm a little crazy. . Schizoaffective Disorder and PTSD are not good bed fellows. But i wanted to thank you for sharing your troubles with me. It helps t know tat I am not alone in my struggles and not stupid for having them. than k you so much. I also turned in my last knife to my BHW and I completely get the security blanket thing. It was the same for me. I kept er for a very long time. she was perfect, discreet easy to hide and clean. I even named her and i know it sounds nuts but i would talk to her during the rittual test up that i had. I named her Alice. And it as hard letting her go. but i did it and am very proud of myself for it. I still think about doing it more often than i would like to but i rarely carry it out and i would like to think of that as progress.
Thank you again. It really means allot that you took the time to share with me your struggles as well. You are good people don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Three Roses]

Hello PERDITRIX06, please what is BHW?