Lonewolf's Journal

lonewolf · March 09, 2015, 07:25:26 PM

I decided to start a journal today because the last few weeks have been rough and last night I couldn't get to sleep until 7:30 am this morning. Realizing I have CPTSD kind of feels like a punch to the gut. Knocks the wind out of me, you know? I've had a few hours now, thankfully, but I'm lucky that my workplace is flexible and allows for personal days. I've also been able to disclose what is happening with a supportive response.

This year has been a challenge all together because I managed to escape a very disastrous year prior where I had completely (or finally, maybe?) crashed and burned. It's hard to know if I should start my journal in real time or go back to the beginning. Due to some EFs and great advice here yesterday, I came face to face with my IC last night, and I've never seen such fear on a child's face. I can't get over the fear in her eyes. I want to say that although I did test 6/10 for Adverse Childhood Experiences, my past (parents anyway) do not include physical or sexual abuse that I can recall. But there was a lot of emotional neglect and abuse, alcoholic parents, attempted parental suicide, divorce and other subsequent traumas from about 9 through 18 (childhood to adolescence), and then others that followed over the course of my life, some of which were violent, shaming, tragic losses, etc.

I know I've detached from my IC because my survival mechanism was always to be tough and act tough. "Show no fear" as it were. But I'm exhausted, and although I think I'm tough, I know my EFs are a strong indicator that all that pain has been the real director of my life behind the scenes. If I don't start acknowledging that pain and allow my IC to feel safe and loved, then life is going to continue to be #@%#^&% up and difficult.

I will say, now that I've let the floodgates open, I'm shocked at the intensity of emotion that is being triggered by diving into the CPTSD material. But I'm hoping to take the sage advice of people I've engaged with here who have suggested to pace myself. My operatus morandi typically is to be tough (suck it up) and then I simply disassociate (alcohol, compulsive activities, workaholism, escape, etc.). Your psyche can only take that for so belong before things erupt and usually destructively.

I've also made a commitment to myself today to integrate activities daily that can give me some relief, comfort and joy like yoga, eating well for my adult self and then doing a daily activity for my IC (this last one is an intuitive decision, but nurturing my IC seems like a good idea).

I'm going shopping for her tomorrow to buy things that will give her comfort or joy. These include crayons and colouring books, a stuffed animal (a lion or wolf perhaps), hot chocolate with marshmallows and Nancy Drew books (her favourite). Also, it's been quite a few years, but I'm going to start journaling here and in book form where I can paste pictures and other things. Almost like a CPTSD journal. I'll keep you posted on that one. I'm also an artist so doing something creative will be in line with how I process and make sense of the world.

Additionally, I used to write down and interpret my dreams so I may start doing that as well.

So, that's where I'm at today.

lonewolf · March 09, 2015, 08:10:57 PM

Oh, and I'm starting to understand what living in a fog actually means now that it's starting to lift.

Kizzie · March 09, 2015, 08:33:12 PM

Yes, yes, yes! Give yourself and your IC comfort and joy and lots of it as the fog lifts

I have a giant teddy bear that absolutely delights my IC every night when she see's it (it sits across the room and smiles at me/her while I fall asleep).

And I loved Nancy Drew too or rather younger me did! I haven't thought of the series in years. I read a lot as a kid and it just occurred to me that some of my resiliency may have come from reading books like that (strong female characters).

Anyway hi to younger you

from younger me, I hope you have a lot of fun!

lonewolf · March 09, 2015, 10:25:10 PM

Thanks Kizzie. My young self is jumping up and down with joy as I just purchased her the starter set (5 books) for Nancy Drew. Oh the memories. And they are hard cover ones too which is a bonus. I feel a bit silly but I'm actually a bit thrilled by doing this for her!

Kizzie · March 10, 2015, 02:53:11 AM

I know, I feel a bit silly about my bear sometimes (I am nearly 60) but then I know the delight I feel too and I just go with it. Enjoy the books

lonewolf · March 11, 2015, 12:14:45 AM

Today was an interesting day. I went to work after taking a personal day yesterday feeling a bit self-conscious. One of my co-workers was so lovely. She asked how things were and I wasn't judged by anyone. It is truly remarkable to me that I am being embraced for who and where I am for now in this place that I work.

I also had a second session with my new therapist. We had planned on starting EMDR today, but after I started talking about some of my "significant events" and "relationships" I think she decided it made more sense to keep digging and get a sense of my trajectory of trauma/attachment issues/self-perception. I wasn't sure about her in my first session (she seemed a bit cold) but today she was receptive, compassionate and logical. I like this about her.

For those who are not sure about EMDR or have had bad experiences, I thought I would share a few tidbits that may be of value. She does specialize in trauma but I'm not sure she actually specializes in CPTSD. But in this case, I'm not sure it even matters. When I spoke to her about my mom in particular -- that I can site a few specific events but that the trauma is from a barrage of bad feelings over many years from emotional abuse and neglect , she had this to say,

"Your "mom" IS the event."

The moment she said that I knew she was the right therapist. She gets that it isn't one or a few traumatic events but an accumulation of traumatic experiences that are the source of the problem.

We will be doing my first EMDR session on Friday. She seems like someone who works with intent but does so intuitively. I'll update my journal after Friday. I'm also glad I found her as she also said that EMDR can help relieve "attachment" issues. In that case, I spoke about events that were significant relationships (dysfunctional, codependency, problematic, etc.) but not necessarily traumatic. She said doing EMDR in those cases actually help to rewire the brain for attachment. Crazy, right?

lonewolf · March 11, 2015, 02:38:05 AM

The other thing that I want to talk about here is my ... what do I call it? ... my sexual shame. I started having sex at 15. But prior to that I was very vulnerable due to my loss of a father (I think). I had many men in their 20s who abused that by trying to/successfully seducing me. I have a lot of shame around that. Like A LOT. When I spoke to my therapist today, what amazed me was her horror, not over my behaviour, but that men would actually go there. It was so validating knowing that it really isn't normal behaviour on THEIR part, not mine. I was a victim. Shocking to me was that I thought I was in control of all that. Not.

What amazes me about this therapist is that she is not judgmental towards me. She is equally not shy about showing her horror at how others may have treated me -- and I recognize the inappropriateness of what happened to me in her reaction. It is a weird mirroring thing ... hard to explain ... but when I see her "oh my god, did that really happen?" it very much makes me realize that it wasn't actually okay (and it wasn't). It is very validating.

lonewolf · March 13, 2015, 05:03:54 AM

Why is it when you want to move forward that the "crap hits the fan" so to speak in your family? Quite a few weeks ago before I realized I had CPTSD I reached out to several of my family members who I haven't talked to for at least 25 years. Mostly cousins. I wish I hadn't done it now because it triggered me big time. On the other hand, I wouldn't be here now and I wouldn't have figured out the issue, so maybe it is a blessing. I am not sure right now.

What is so upsetting is that apparently my need to speak out about the abuse, the neglect of the family, etc. to my family has set off a crap storm of people calling my mom and "exposing" my rants about her. As a result, my mom was obsessively calling me all night (I didn't answer her calls) and then she left a horrible message. I mean, I felt like I had been ripped back into a time warp just listening to it. She is so selfish even today. I am going to see my T tomorrow and I think I will give it to her to listen to. At the very least to find out if I am just crazy or if my mother really is emotionally abusive.

I just don't understand why my family wants to rat me out to her and re-victimize me. I am so confused. I feel like I am being victimized all over again at the age of 47!!! My mother is such a mean person. I just can't comprehend it. I really just can't understand why she is like this to me.

I'm sorry for the rant, but I can't believe this happening.

Kizzie · March 16, 2015, 04:30:16 AM

Oh dear Lonewolf

I just read this and I'm sorry for what your FOO are putting you through. I gave up on mine because it just created a s*** storm for me.

You are fortunate to have a T who will validate you (she sounds wonderful!), and you have us now as well so perhaps this is the best place to rant (and we don't mind rants lol)

to you

lonewolf · March 22, 2015, 06:02:35 AM

Thanks Kizzie!

I've had a bizarre few weeks. I feel that I'm making some extraordinary progress or have experienced some epiphanies, maybe.

I had one session of EMDR with my new T and the results were amazing. It lifted (in less than an hour) years of painful emotional abuse by my mother. But that lifting has led to other things ... recognition, discovery and huge amounts of grief and anger. I realized that my mother tried from when I was 10 years old on to shame me for loving my father. My dad had his issues (alcoholism, attempted suicide and then coming out as a gay man), but he was always a loving and supportive parent until he died in 1991. The SHAME was apparently for loving him despite all of that. I am so angry at my mother right now for her trying to take that love and safety away from me with threats and emotional abuse and manipulation. She treated me as though I was a monster for loving my father (and still does).

I'm so angry with her right now. But it wasn't until EMDR cleared all of this pain, sadness and shame that I even got to the anger. And all of this grief. I didn't know it was there. I mean it was triggered (EFs) but I didn't actually know that it was a mountain (no, ten mountains) of grief. Wow.

Edited to add: I spoke to my ex boyfriend today (we are still close friends) and he was horrified when I told him about the message my mom left for me. His shock gives me a lot of important feedback about family and how we should expect to be treated by a parent. My mom doesn't fit that bill. It is still difficult to accept. Recognizing the horror in another person's perception of how I've been treated goes a long way in helping me to move forward. It isn't okay how she treats me. I don't know why it is soooooooooooo difficult to accept that as a truth though? Any thoughts?

lonewolf · March 22, 2015, 07:25:33 AM

To answer my own question, I think some of it comes from my own family (or other people in the world) dismissing the gravity of how an abusive mother might affect a child. Essentially, they lack the awareness or understanding. But I also realize that my inner child will be devastated to learn that her mom didn't love her enough (or just couldn't love her for whatever reason) to be on her side no matter what. That is a painful realization. It really is.

Whobuddy · March 22, 2015, 02:07:53 PM

Quote from: lonewolf on March 22, 2015, 07:25:33 AM
To answer my own question, I think some of it comes from my own family (or other people in the world) dismissing the gravity of how an abusive mother might affect a child. Essentially, they lack the awareness or understanding. But I also realize that my inner child will be devastated to learn that her mom didn't love her enough (or just couldn't love her for whatever reason) to be on her side no matter what. That is a painful realization. It really is.

This is profound and really resonates with me. The messages I heard all my life were that everyone has problems and complaints about their parents. I thought there was nothing out of the ordinary about my situation. Hah!

So true how devastating it is to realize that it is true that mom didn't love you enough. I think I have been roaming around in that devastation-land for the past few months since finding OOTS.
There is a feeling of hope in finding that there truly were traumas and I can begin the process of healing.
There is also a feeling of despair to know the reality of it all.

lonewolf · April 02, 2015, 04:37:01 AM

Quote from: Whobuddy on March 22, 2015, 02:07:53 PM
Quote from: lonewolf on March 22, 2015, 07:25:33 AM
To answer my own question, I think some of it comes from my own family (or other people in the world) dismissing the gravity of how an abusive mother might affect a child. Essentially, they lack the awareness or understanding. But I also realize that my inner child will be devastated to learn that her mom didn't love her enough (or just couldn't love her for whatever reason) to be on her side no matter what. That is a painful realization. It really is.

This is profound and really resonates with me. The messages I heard all my life were that everyone has problems and complaints about their parents. I thought there was nothing out of the ordinary about my situation. Hah!

So true how devastating it is to realize that it is true that mom didn't love you enough. I think I have been roaming around in that devastation-land for the past few months since finding OOTS.
There is a feeling of hope in finding that there truly were traumas and I can begin the process of healing.
There is also a feeling of despair to know the reality of it all.

Thank you for your comments, Whobuddy, and my apologies for the delay in responding. "Roaming around in that devastation-land" is a pretty profound description of the experience.

Rrecovery · April 02, 2015, 12:34:15 PM

Hi lonewolf,

Reading your journal gives me joy because I hear that you are having breakthroughs and are in the hands of a good therapist

and I just feel very excited and happy for you. Love the sound of what EMDR is doing for you in such a short time. Glad there are people in your life that are properly horrified when they hear how horribly you have been and are being treated. I personally know the awesome power of inner-child work and I'm so thrilled for you... and her. Thanks so much for sharing. Inspiring!

lonewolf · April 16, 2015, 01:12:46 AM

Thank you Rrecovery. I am having weird and wonderful breakthroughs while still having some really "life sucks" kind of days.

EMDR is a lifesaver. I've only had two sessions, but as time progresses, I am surprised at how well it is working. A lot of it is subconscious. Subtle. I am not triggering like I was 4 weeks ago. Even my coworkers have noticed that I'm not as agitated -- more at peace and socially engaged. It is a very strange experience. I was typically angry quite a lot of the time. But that has gone by the wayside for some reason. I have more confidence and I am more present. Not sure what is up there. I'll keep updating but don't feel like a prisoner of my past triggers like I did a few weeks ago. I am grateful for this shift, but a bit confounded by it t be honest. Oh, and I signed up to eHarmony, which is a bizarre thing to do !