Finding Me Without Losing The Rest

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Jdog

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Finding Me Without Losing The Rest
« on: March 12, 2015, 03:46:25 AM »
I disliked being a child- felt powerless, unguided most of the time, usually thought that my parents had no clue what they were doing (despite mostly good intentions, Dad was an alcoholic and hated being a Dad and Mom was depressed and formed a codependent relationship with me)- and now I am realizing that my IC has been needing me for so long.  She tries to get my attention, often via intense stomach pain.  Only today -  18 months after knowing  about my  CPTSD - have I finally begun a dialogue with her.  I have read the excellent suggestions made by others in the IC part of this forum.  Not sure I am quite ready to do a much as others in this way but am at least acknowledging the little girl who never really felt heard and had to take on grown up problems instead of just being a kid.

I don't want to make this about others in my life today, as I can't contol them or their reactions to me.  Like many, I have attachments that don't always fit a standard model of relationships.  Many work just fine, and I'm not looking to get rid of my primary relationship even though it is a ton of work.  So here's the point:  I am trying to soothe my IC while remaining the capable adult that shows up most days.  Shouldn't be a problem for a codependent, overachieving, middle aged lesbian teacher, right?

Good thing I have a terrific t, good health, and finally quit drinking (helped some of my intestinal issues a lot).  I'm glad to have found you all.  Thanks for reading.

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keepfighting

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Re: Finding Me Without Losing The Rest
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2015, 07:39:59 AM »
Hi, JDog,

it's great that you started to pay more attention to your IC. It sounds like she's been lonely for a long time and she deserves to know that she won't be powerless forever - that she'll grow into a beautiful and strong woman some day who can take care of her and herself.  :hug:

I understand why you're anxious that paying more atttention to your IC might affect your other relationships negatively. But consider this:

Learning to love your IC is adding a new kind of love to your life and the good thing about love is that loving one more person in your life doesn't diminish the love you feel for others. Love can grow and add up endlessly. That's the beauty of it.

I hope you'll find many ways to communicate with your IC as you go along. She deserves to find a mate!  :hug:

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keepfighting

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Re: Finding Me Without Losing The Rest
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2015, 08:32:47 AM »
About the stomach aches:

That would put the IC at an age between 8 and 14. At that age, many children experience stomach aches that can be quite distressing and don't have a physical cause. They are usually centered around the navel and occur when the child is anxious or exhited. That's why they aches are so peculiar: They occur when strong emotions are involved that can't be properly regulated yet, but they occur equally strong when dealing with negative anxiety as with positive excitement. They usually disappear in early adolescence.

Maybe it helps to get your IC work started if you think about why the child you at that age might be trying to reach out to the adult you???

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Butterfly

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Re: Finding Me Without Losing The Rest
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2015, 10:00:04 AM »
Jdog, progress one little step at a time. IC will let you know when she's ready. She's a little frightened right now and not used to be heard. She will learn to trust you. It sounds strange maybe but that was my experience.

Keep fighting, amazingly insightful on the stomach stuff. Helps me lots. Thanks.

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Jdog

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Re: Finding Me Without Losing The Rest
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2015, 11:24:50 AM »
Thank you KF and Butterfly!  Yes, Butterfly, I will let this process take as long as it needs to take - don't want to frighten my younger self off.  And I seriously had no clue, KF, about the stomach issues corresponding to various ages in children.  I will think upon the question of what trauma or disappointments I may have felt during those years.

Immediately after going to bed, just after posting, I began speaking with little JDog again and tears came.  She/I miss playing the violin (which I began at age 8).  I played for years until a shoulder injury finally made it so difficult to navigate the instrument as I once could do that I stopped.  But I am getting body work now and hope in time to carve out time to play again.  Meanwhile, I promised the IC that we would find small steps to take so that music is more a part of life once more.

Thanks again, friends.