Becoming visible

[DontPanic]

Hello everyone contributing or reading here -
and first of all, thank you for building such a valuable, respectful and encouraging forum. I've been reading here from time to time, and several times it produced that very rare and strange effect that by reading your stories, I feel seen, understood, can relate to it and feel relatable. Still it's unbelievably hard to  introduce myself, become visible and introduce myself here. Well, somehow I manage finally.

I'm currently 48, and I've been rather intellectual, withdrawn and shy for all my life, although i do like company a lot. I'm married, built myself a career in software and I have a son, whom I love very much. I have a rather nerdy sense of humor, so my nickname here is borrowed from the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy.

All the years I felt as if I wasn't really alive- most of people around me, they seemed to have some strange ability to be really alive, and I never understood what it was, why I couldn't. It felt like living behind a transparent wall so i was a spectator, but not really participating in life. I went to therapy several times - when I was 25, I had a panic attack, anxiety and suicidal thoughts, so this was apparently alarming and i sought for help. But then a strange series started, my therapist abused me (verbally and emotionally). I have experienced this several times now, and it is shocking every time it happens. In the last three years, I was able to break the spell and choose a therapist that is really kind, empathetic and helpful.

In hindsight i guess i was numb for the bigger part of my adult life. When my son was born, my heart opened up to him, and with this de-numbing my life has been quite hard since. I'm having lots of irrational emotional waves almost every day, mostly shame and anxiety. And when i made another attempt to try and find out what was actually going on inside me four years ago, i first found "out of the fog" and the "out of the storm" and it is a big relief to have a label that describes quite precisely how i feel. I have informed myself and educated myself about trauma, early childhood trauma and developmental traume and it looks like i have my share of it. This came as a bit of surprise; I'm still trying to figure out what exactly happened when i was a child. No obviously horrible things, but it seems subtle hostility and devaluation are sufficient for heavy consequences.

So much for today - thanks to all the people who make this forum work, who care, share and connect.

[Deep Blue]

Hey Dontpanic
  I just wanted to welcome you to the forum.

Hope to see you around 

[Libby183]

Welcome to OOTS.

I can relate to everything you tell us about yourself, and I am sure you will find lots of support and understanding here.

Libby.

[Kizzie]

Hello and a very warm welcome to OOTS DontPanic 

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly happened when i was a child. No obviously horrible things, but it seems subtle hostility and devaluation are sufficient for heavy consequences.

When you think about it, the core wound in interpersonal trauma be it sexual, physical and/or emotional abuse/neglect/abandonment is damage to our sense of self, our worth, value, safety, belonging ....  whether by covert or subtle or more overt and extreme tactics.

My parents and B suffer from covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder and here I am struggling with the same symptoms as everyone here. (I started off at OOTF too by the way.) So you're in the right place, there are lots of us who can relate to the more subtle stuff 

[DontPanic]

Thank you for welcoming me. It's nice to have reactions and validation :-)