Hi

[Fawn]

I never know how to introduce myself, I'm sorry. So I just... jumped in? (I guess first; my username means 'blue sun' and I use it everywhere because it's so obscure. But you can call me Fawn.)

CPTSD is a very new discovery for me, but it was the kind of thing that's like walking into a wall; it was very much a "Oh God, that's me-" moment. PTSD had been mentioned with regards to me before, but I wasn't sure. In truth, I'm not entirely sure about CPTSD, eventhough it does fit me, because I can't really talk to anyone about it.

Unfortunately, part of what had me reading again was being back with my mum. I love her, but it's very much like being thrown in at the deep end trigger-wise and I'm not handling it well at all. I think she's unintentionally abused me for a very long time. I have a tendency to excuse it because she's in chronic pain, suicidal, and I'm by some standards a carer, but that doesn't mean the effects aren't there. I just... need to get to the point where I can say it to someone in my life. It's not easy.

Anyway! Even with my depression and possible CPTSD, I seem to be quite bright online and I love to talk to people. I am friendly and pretty loving. On other sites I seem to have a reputation as a sweetheart.

I can't wait to meet people on here, in the same sorts of situations. It's definitely a comfort.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Fawn! Pleased to meet you. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate right now. It's hard to live with constant triggers, like driving a car that leaks gasoline - there's just this constant drain of energy, at least that's what it's like for me. So I hope that things will improve for you soon.

One thing that might be interesting for you is this website: http://www.pete-walker.com. It's the homepage of therapist Pete Walker. He specializes in CPTSD, and he's got CPTSD himself. His texts are full of useful information, and they're written in a very sympathetic way. He's got a book out, but there are also several free articles on his website.

[Trees]

Welcome, Fawn.  Sorry to hear about your situation with your mother.  I had a difficult mother, too.  This is a safe place to talk about things like that.  Being on this site does help reduce the isolation for me, and I hope you will find peace and safety here also.    All the best to you!   

[chiraheally]

Hi from me too!  I joined here a couple of months ago and am amazed at how caring and real people are here.  I hope you feel a sense of an "instant community" here too.  It does take some navigating and exploring and if you are anything like me, it will take you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions reading other's posts and reflecting on yourself, as well as posting and 'revealing' or sharing your own stuff, but it is so worth it, as I have the feeling people with C-PTSD spend so much time trying to survive in the world by adjusting and turning themselves into a pretzel that they can only start to discover who they really are in a safe place like this one, where we don't have to be nice to survive, we can be nice to ourselves for a change and receive praise for it.

Anyway, I am glad you are here.  And I think Blue Sun is a great name, do you mind if I use that instead of Fawn?

Take care, welcome and good luck with your triggering mum, watch carefully, see how she does it, then tell us about it, if you feel like it!!!!!!

xxxx

Chira

[Fawn]

Thanks for the link, I'll have a read through later.

And yes, I agree living with triggers is a drain on energy, I've noticed when I was living with my grandparents I was sleeping 6/7 hours a night no problems, but now I find I'm tired a few hours after waking and I could easily go back to sleep. It's an odd feeling. It wont be fair on my grandparents, but part of me hopes I can back to them when I go to college in the fall, I don't think I can manage it otherwise.

Chira, you're very welcome to use Blue Sun if you like

I've been able to pick out a few things, and thankfully we (me, her & nan) go to family counselling so it's come up there. But I think it's mostly that she's on a hair trigger and with my being the only other human in the household, her stress and pain filters down to me in ways that don't seem obvious. I've often said there's almost an aura about the house, and that I'm too empathetic for my own good.

I need to have a good explore of this place when I'm wide awake, I've never really been on a forum before!

[chiraheally]

Hi Blue Sun!  Is it Ok for me to ask if you have any alternative to living with your M right now?  I am only asking because for me sleep is a major thing: when my sleep gets affected, I spiral downwards pretty badly and lose my grip but perhaps this doesn't apply to you...

that's great about the therapy.  is the T good? How is your M responding? 

Good luck and enjoy exploring the forum.  I am so glad you are navigating through this earlier rather than later in life.  I wish you so much happiness once the pain gets transformed enough!!!

love and light!

Chira

[Fawn]

Hi Blue Sun!  Is it Ok for me to ask if you have any alternative to living with your M right now?  I am only asking because for me sleep is a major thing: when my sleep gets affected, I spiral downwards pretty badly and lose my grip but perhaps this doesn't apply to you...

that's great about the therapy.  is the T good? How is your M responding?

I think I do. I mention it in the journal I just started.

Oh boy. She went for my nan. She keeps saying she feels attacked. For every ounce of relief I get from the moments they focus on helping me, it seems like it's another knife in her and I feel responsible.