New and Big Trigger Warning -- Sorry.

[EZ Linus]

Hi, and first of all, I can't believe I found this place. I couldn't be more grateful. I am hoping this will be a healthy resource for me. And perhaps I have help to spare as well.

I've had mental illness my whole life practically, and been diagnosed with a plethora of stuff, but not until much later in my life. I can't believe I've just turned 50 when I still feel like a little kid. I was 40 when I finally sat down in front of a psychiatrist. To me, it was like sitting down with the devil himself, because I'd been conditioned to "know" that the entire psychiatric field was trying to ruin my eternity and harm the Earth. I'd had 20 years in a mind-raping cult from ages 12-32, and I was too fragile in the years before I finally sought real help after I got out.

Before I joined the cult, and during some of the overlap, I was abused. Many times. So many times and in so many ways, it's rather hard to believe. In fact, I'm about to publish a book and I didn't even include all of it because I didn't think anyone would believe the full version.

It starts way back, with the first being my own mother, who also had bipolar 1 (as do I), but I believe she also had borderline personality disorder that wasn't diagnosed back then. She verbally, mentally, and sexually abused me. The odd sexual abuse goes at least as far back as five (memories get cloudy before that). It stopped by seven, and I developed audio hallucinations right after, which lasted until I was eight. But that was nothing compared to her mind games, her name calling and put-downs, and she never cared about anything I did. I was ignored otherwise. Never even asked if I had homework, "how was your day?" ...nothing like that. My father too. I was a useless piece of poo.

We moved 15 times before I was nine. I hardly went to school. I was uneducated. I hardly has a friend. I've isolated my whole life. Still do.

At nine, one of my brother's friends molested me. It was brief, but so traumatic.

And then, at 12, another one of his older friends moved into our house and raped me repeatedly for two years. And my parents loved this guy -- thought he was the perfect young man. He was so polite. My mom never believed me. My dad just thought I was slutty when he found out.

He was through with me by 14 (by then he was 21) and moved onto another young friend of mine a year younger (13), and yet another older friend of my brother's manipulated me, didn't "rape" me, but it was statutory rape -- made me feel like he was caring for me after I'd been hurt by the other guy, but it was all just a trick to sleep with me. I felt like a fool. He was so mean to me after.

There was another guy still! I have vague memories about that one because I hardly knew him. I was on a lot of drugs and alcohol, but he was in his later 20s. I was still 14. His roommate (35) had been molesting my friend (15) for the past two years. None of us thought this was particularly "strange!"

Finally I left home just before I turned 15, but then I was into the cult pretty deep. However, I made a life. Brainwashed, but it was some life.

Then, at 25, my best friend of seven years, completely out of the blue, got wasted drunk and violently raped me. He was also in the cult, so no police were introduced into the situation. We just didn't do that sort of thing. In fact, I was "responsible" for it happening to me.

That's the gist of it all. Obviously, I have C-PTSD and I have mad DID. I have been disassociating since I left the cult, but I've been in therapy. I just started EMDR, like a week ago. That has been really rough! Now I'm here.

Sorry this was long!

[Boy22]

Welcome EZ Linus. I hope you will find this community to be part of your healing journey

[Three Roses]

So glad to have you! Thanks for joining and posting. 

[EZ Linus]

Thank you Three Roses, and Boy22 for welcoming me. I really appreciate it. I will poke around here and I promise not to post so long next time. I'll try anyway.  There's lots to see.

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS EZLInus, so sorry for all that you have been through but glad to hear you have started therapy and also found your way here, both things should help. 

Just wanted you to know there is a sub-forum for Religious/Cult Abuse here - http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=164.0 if you want to post about that part of your abuse there.

[EZ Linus]

Welcome to OOTS EZLInus, so sorry for all that you have been through but glad to hear you have started therapy and also found your way here, both things should help. 

Just wanted you to know there is a sub-forum for Religious/Cult Abuse here - http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=164.0 if you want to post about that part of your abuse there.

Thank you Kizzie. And I am glad you pointed me toward that. I will definitely go and participate in there. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi ez linus
So glad you found the forum which I find so supportive and informative. That's quite something that you have written a book to help your healing and help others too. I know for me for many years I lived in disbelief of the past and being able to connect to the feelings and process has taken time and continues. Like u I think my m was borderline.

Sending you kindness and healing  with the next phase of your recovery.
Keep writing too much is not judged here

[EZ Linus]

Hi ez linus
So glad you found the forum which I find so supportive and informative. That's quite something that you have written a book to help your healing and help others too. I know for me for many years I lived in disbelief of the past and being able to connect to the feelings and process has taken time and continues. Like u I think my m was borderline.

Sending you kindness and healing  with the next phase of your recovery.
Keep writing too much is not judged here

Thank you Boatsetsailrose, your reply serious makes me feel supported.