My wedding

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joeycat

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My wedding
« on: September 23, 2018, 09:43:15 PM »
I am getting married in February and my fiance's immediate family has been invited (they are totally supportive and wonderful people who I am so excited to have in my life). I have invited my brother as well but have not yet invited my parents. Seeing how I've been NC with my covertN mom for over a year, I don't see myself inviting her. However, I have been struggling over what to do with my dad.

As far as I can tell, he does not appear to have a personality disorder, even though he is an enabler who is totally compromised by my mom (she co-opts him to do her dirty work since she cant contact me, and to be honest, the conversations do step into the abusive realm at times). I haven't really talked to my dad in a few months either - we sort of have texted and whatnot, but things were left on a bad note when I told him I wouldn't be coming to my cousin's wedding (bc I don't want to be around her) and would instead be going on a beach vacation with my future husband and his family.

Despite how tense things have been, I really would like him to be at the wedding or to at least know that I would like him to come. Although I know it's not likely that he will come - given the level of my mom's underhanded control of him and the fact that we were never really all that close - I am trying to figure out a way to invite him. This leaves me with somewhat of a dilemma: how do I invite him in a way that lets him know all of this (and allows me to somewhat prepare for what I expect will be an incredibly negative response) while also making it clear that she is not allowed anywhere near the wedding. Although we are having a destination wedding, I can totally see her showing up and just staying within my line of site the whole time.


Help!!! Any advice would be fantastic. Thanks!

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Boy22

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Re: My wedding
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2018, 05:51:01 AM »
My gut response is stay safe. Donít invite him because of all the risks. Again, that is just my gut response.

For my wedding earlier this year we both agreed no family from either side as we both have familial abuse issues. Just 7 guests in total counting the celebrant.

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Libby183

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Re: My wedding
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2018, 08:06:50 AM »
Hi joeycat.

From my own experience,  and from reading a lot of posts on Out of the FOG, I think that weddings bring out the absolute worst in pd AND enabling parents. At its most simple, they cannot bear to see you happy.

If I had my time again, I would not have the wedding I had, or have my parents there. I am still married after 25 plus years,  and I still think of the sadness of my wedding day almost every day.

Enjoy your wedding and your new family.

All the best to you.

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Blueberry

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Re: My wedding
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2018, 12:01:48 PM »
As far as I can tell, he does not appear to have a personality disorder, even though he is an enabler who is totally compromised by my mom (she co-opts him to do her dirty work since she cant contact me, and to be honest, the conversations do step into the abusive realm at times). I haven't really talked to my dad in a few months either - we sort of have texted and whatnot, but things were left on a bad note when I told him I wouldn't be coming to my cousin's wedding (bc I don't want to be around her) and would instead be going on a beach vacation with my future husband and his family.

Despite how tense things have been, I really would like him to be at the wedding or to at least know that I would like him to come. 

Sounds a bit like the dynamic between my parents. It has taken me a long time to realise and accept that F is not "poor F" hounded by his difficult wife, which is the image he built up in the family, aided and abetted by others of course. He's an adult, he could have decided differently. He even should have decided differently imho during my childhood to protect his own children from M. He didn't. Two years ago at a FOO family event he could've stuck up for me against my sibs. He didn't. He accepted that that meant I was leaving the family function. He hasn't accepted the repercussions (VVVLC) but that's not my lookout.

So too in your case, your F could decide to accept a wedding invitation from you and come without his wife. But it's very unlikely it will go that way. When I first took a break from contact with my mother but not from my father, he accused me of causing problems in their marriage :stars: 

If you read at Out Of The Fog (our sister website), you will see that this is a common dynamic.   

I think perversely my father would like to see me happy but not at the expense of anybody else in FOO having to change and certainly not at the expense of him having to change.

I'm still really sad about F though the anger is beginning to come as well. I tried too long to have 'normal' contact with FOO including enF. The last 2 occasions threw me into massive EFs for weeks, months. I wouldn't risk it again. The retraumatisations caused lasting memory-forming damage e.g.

They do say during trauma healing you should avoid contact with your abusers. I learned the hard way how true this is of emotional abusers in the past who seemed to have changed (but hadn't). I have come to the conclusion that some of my FOO mbrs do know about 'all this', they just don't care enough. They'd have to change and they don't want to. It's easier to have a scapegoat.

I hope some of this is useful for you in making a decision.