Any tips for a conflict between nervous system and conscious wants? Dating

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I got this

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I really really want intimacy, to get close to someone physically and emotionally.  There is nothing wrong with me (as a person, there is no reason i shouldnt be loved and wanted and in a partnership) and there is no reason this shouldnt be ecplored. 

However!  Whenever I find someone I like reciproactes the liking, my body goes into complete flight/freeze.  Its okay as long as they dont like me back. In those cases its just in my imagination, and quite safe.   But when the actual possibility of something more than an imaginary partner is on the horizon (even faintly), there is auto panic.

I (the thinking mind) personally really really wants to get close to someone!  And when I am not in front of that person, I am quite confident, but as soon as Im near, the auto response happens.  I expect its due to so many trauma experiences with males, while in relationship. Now relationship signals danger.

At one point in my life (teenage/twenties) I ony,had sexual relationships, which bypassed a lot of this.  But I dont want that anymore.  Im not sure how to egt around it.  I cant really spill my story to someone I hardly know, just to explain why Im scared to talk to them!

I must find a way.  Life is to be a shared experience!  I want over this! 

I am supposed to have psyche help soon, but still waiting!  How to move on?  Thank you :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: Any tips for a conflict between nervous system and conscious wants? Dating
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2018, 04:44:08 PM »
Hi, I'm afraid I can't really offer much help but to say I really struggle with this, too. My stress response has really gone into overdrive when I was near someone I thought i was beginning to like. Even now I know she doesn't like me back I still stress way too much about it. My advice is to try to stay calm as much as possible (I know, right?!) and try to resist the temptation to share too much too soon.

If you're anything like me you may be imagining all the things they are thinking about you when in reality they are probably thinking about something else entirely.

I have been thinking about this a lot on my walk today already, actually, which is why I reply.

My own lack of intimacy is really hurting me now. I'm too old now to believe in the future (always used to do that) and even seeing families around me can be quite painful now.

I have to have faith that I can work this out somehow and find someone who likes me and I trust enough to share it with. This is what I mean about not sharing too much too soon. That leaves me open and way too prone to stressing.

It's hard though but for now I am working mainly on trying to be calm in my own company. Racing thoughts have always been an enemy of mine. Learning to keep my mind calm and on track when I'm with myself will hopefully let me be more controlled when I'm with others.

It also helps if the person you are attracted too is naturally calm and supportive and kind. The person I was falling for was quite emotionally distant and abandoning. Apparently this is a common thing with cptsd and / or dysfunctions like mine. It made the whole thing very stressful indeed. The crazy thing is I still feel some of those feelings. The point is the heart can be difficult, which I understand is no help at all, sorry.

Hopefully we can learn to recognise the best type of partners for us! That has to be a good start, I feel.

Best of luck!
SaB.


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Sharp and Blunt, thank you for your reply.

Yup seems we are a but stuck on this one .

Ill post back here again if the psychotherpist has any ideas what to do.

Go well :)