Limage's journal - a possible start?

[Limage]

This has been gnawing at me all morning and at times today had made me feel nearly sick along with a headful of pain and numbness.
I mentioned elsewhere that I am currently 'stuck' in a round of depression and anxiety, something that recurs. I have been working hard at keeping myself calm and relaxed. I cannot seem to let go of the past!
In times of 'wellness' my pattern is to just keep running until it all catches up again.

This time around I want to 'sit with it all'. So what's been eating at me today is that I want my story told. I want to tell it. I KNOW this place is safe and I won't be judged. I know I will be believed. However I am filled with confusion as somewhere deep within I feel I won't be believed, I won't be listened to.
I have been treated for 'depression' many times over the past forty years - dealing with medical people, counsellors, some quacks. I have dabbled in many things from religion to co-counselling - yet I have seemed to just go around in circles. For ME, so much of this stuff is tied up in my past and experiences as a child. However, there is a strong 'message' that this sort of stuff doesn't happen (didn't happen) in our family....

For now, I will start at the beginning. I was born into a family in S Ireland. I am a twin. I was born first. My mom did not know she was going to have twins at nearly forty years old. My brother and I are the youngest of five sons...
About 20 years ago in a case of desperation I attended a 're-birthing' session.. well the conclusion was that I had the wrong 'birth script'. Basically I was supposed to be born second but got nudged out first. (Sounds a bit off the wall. Just one of the mad things that I have done..)

I am feeling quite terrified writing this stuff down... I suppose it's a heavy feeling of shame and hurt related to my upbringing.. (To this day I a shameful feeling around even our family name... )

That's about all I feel up to for today. Thank you for listening.. Catch up soon...

[Wattlebird]

It's good to get it out, but very very difficult. I certainly understand that feeling like you won't be believed, I wonder why that is so common with complex trauma ? Probably because it is so hard to believe ourselves, I don't know but I often feel as though my therapist is going to think I'm making stuff up. Thanks for sharing

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi.

I also struggle with a huge sense of shame every day. Now in my 40s, I waited far too long for it to go away by itself. Now trying to take steps but they're baby steps, one at a time. You will find your own pace. Sending my best to you.