Exhausted but still going!

[Mojo50]

Hi. I am new to this site and am thankful for it. I was diagnosed with CPTSD a few years ago and have done a lot of trauma therapy. I feel like I have integrated parts of myself, gotten over (most) of the TOXIC shame of my abuse. However, apparently one of my coping mechanisms was ocd. I feel this is what I am left with now as an adult and I HATE IT. I try to remind myself they are just trauma thoughts but they are SOOOO overwhelming. I just want to stay in bed and cry all day. The worst thought is when I question whether any of this is "real". Does anyone...anyone at all.....ever do this? (question reality). Is this part of CPTSD?  I just wish I could tell that little girl to let go of the ocd/perfectionism thoughts. I know it helped her back then but is interfering in my daily life . Thank you for those who might respond and Bless all of us who have had to walk this path. I cant do this alone.

[Deep Blue]

Hello Mojo,


In answer to your question, yes I have questioned reality.  Usually when I am doing that, it is during an EF. 

I think you have come to the right place and am sure many will be able to relate to you as well.

[woodsgnome]

Yes, I also often relate to the 'is this real' feeling. Along with the 'side effects' of denial, anger, grief, rage, and wondering if and why it had to be so bad.

Sometimes I give up all of the above and accept that yes, it was all real, too real. Now what? Part of the acceptance, for me, has been to also focus on realizing that the old reality is really back there, and receding all the time.

I'm sometimes reminded of that old tagline that used to appear on vehicular rearview mirrors that said: Warning...objects in mirror may be closer than they appear." As in, yes I know they're back there, but they seem so close. And creeping up fast. So it's a struggle to get back to finding a new reality that helps me grow out of letting it control me anymore.

It is, as you note, tiring to say the very least. I hope you can find ways to work into making a newer, softer reality that will lift you up and not drag you back.

[Mojo50]

Thank you for your responses. I wish that part of my brain just wouldn't question EVERYTHING all the time. It makes me so sad. I have an incredible life.....I am a teacher, mom, supportive husband, been clean for seven years  but it is like there is something I just cant accept about having CPTSD. And I have exhausted therapy. I know it has to do with acceptance......God grant me the serenity......

[Deep Blue]

Mojo,
There are a few of us teachers on the forum.  Seems to be one of those caretaking professions that many of us are drawn to.

Welcome again 

[milk]

Yes, I question what is ‘real,’ often. It helps me to feel the answer more deeply.

    seven years of being clean, yay! Enjoy!

I have exhausted therapy, too — in fact my profile picture changed to a lightening storm because of the energy I am stirring up to trust what I know and to be (live) who I am IRL: healing on my own (choosing ‘me’ ) through personal time and in being with others (self-care, reaching out to close friends, OOTS, and a compassionate partner, meeting trauma halfway with a gentle heart and objective mind)

I am sorry you are sad - may the life you are making (reflects who you are in a given moment)  help you to know the serenity you desire.

for you

[Jdog]

Mojo-

I just read your post, and I like Deep Blue, I am also a teacher.  Welcome!!  I also stopped drinking - going on 4 years for me - so congrats on seven years!  I still have other numbing mechanisms, but not drinking is a big help.  And I can relate to the OCD/ perfectionism situation as well.  Always striving for more, better, was a coping mechanism from birth and it's only now that I am having to question the continued utility of this mechanism.   An injury to my foot has mad eyes me reframe my escape into exercise, for example.

Well, I just wanted to say "hey".  Hope you are enjoying the forum.   It's grown so much since I joined in 2014.  Great that so many find help and relief here!