What do you think?

[goblinchild]

I feel like I've been leaning on this forum a lot lately and I just wanted to say I'm glad that I have support here.

I've posted about this specific struggle before, but I wanted to come at it in a different way. When it comes to doing things that you don't want to do, like maybe work or school or chores, I think because I've been through abuse in that area from a young age, I think about them differently (read: destructively)  and I get these cycles of being almost functional followed by exhaustion and meltdowns.  I'm almost sure that other people think or feel differently about doing these things. Until now, my focus has been more about finding out how other people feel and maybe trying to emulate that or compare it to my experiences but that hasn't been very helpful. Maybe I need to focus more on how I feel. Thing is, I don't know how much of what I feel is normal/healthy? It would be helpful if I could share how I feel here and maybe get some feedback? If something seems maybe less than healthy, or even just different from what you personally experience, let me know? If anyone would like to tell me how they feel about these things, in contrast to how I might feel, that would also be informative.

When I'm doing things like...chores I feel like I have a Disney princess-esque attitude and can usually be quite content while doing them. I usually find some kind of comfort in doing these things, like finding a silver lining, and I can get to a point where I almost enjoy doing it even though it still feels like a chore. When it comes to things like schoolwork or small jobs though, it's like someone has sucked out my soul. I don't know how to feel like myself or really even like... idk do people feel like themselves when they're working? Do you feel like you have a personality? I feel like you could pretty much replace me with anyone else who could do work and it wouldn't matter? I guess it's hard to not feel like....working on things is just an endless drone of meaningless stuff? I don't really get satisfaction out of completing school work. I guess I don't understand people who are constantly trying to achieve the next goal like with completing a class credit or even playing a video game. Some people even seem to be like that financially or like maybe with makeup or hair. It seems like an endless struggle that you'll never win and never be satisfied with to me?

Also I feel like there's a line somewhere and I don't understand it. It's like... on the one hand I can get up and go to school every day but it's so terrible I eventually end up waking up and immediately having panic attacks and breakdowns, like I've pushed myself to the limit just trying to do this simple thing. The mental strain of not being able to deal with (Idk, responsibility? A workload? Idk what to call it) and also the physical strain (I'm disabled) is too much. Before I get to the breaking point though, I'll have several stages of either being so fatigued and worn down that I'm not sure how I'll manage or just not wanting to so so so so badly. I feel like I'm pushing back tears and being ridiculous for doing so the entire time I get ready and the entire time I'm there. Heck, I often feel that way even when I do schoolwork from home.
On the other hand, all the time we hear about how people don't want to go to work on Mondays! They do anyways. You hear all the time about people who don't like their jobs. Or who have a cold and feel awful but they need to get paid and they go anyways. I don't understand that. Obviously, these people aren't having panic attacks every morning? Is what they feel different from what I feel? If so, I'm not sure if I've ever felt they way they feel, but they way people talk about these things it seems like everyone has felt that way?

On a similar note, when I'm working on things I feel like I don't have feelings. Like, I might have feelings that want to bubble up like when I'm trying not to cry or I'm miserable or very frustrated but I just kind of shove them down or dismiss them? It's confusing to me because other people seem to be different but like I know that a lot of people might...for example be reading a book to do a book report and they really dislike the book? Or have paperwork to do that they hate doing. Are they not also ignoring their feelings? Is the feeling just not as intense as they make it out to be? From my perspective it looks like they really hate this thing and they're just squashing down their feelings like I do and becoming a robot to do the thing. But it also seems like people can deal with doing that a lot better than I can so they're probably doing something else.

[Three Roses]

idk do people feel like themselves when they're working? Do you feel like you have a personality?

I don't feel like I'm the same person at all times, and I doubt anyone really does. We all have different roles to play (daughter or son, friend, coworker, etc) and tend to act differently within each relationship.

If I have an unpleasant task, I feel differently doing it than completing a task I enjoy.

I'm not sure if this is helpful - 

[Boy22]

idk do people feel like themselves when they're working? Do you feel like you have a personality?

I don't feel like I'm the same person at all times, and I doubt anyone really does. We all have different roles to play (daughter or son, friend, coworker, etc) and tend to act differently within each relationship.

If I have an unpleasant task, I feel differently doing it than completing a task I enjoy.

I'm not sure if this is helpful - 

Thats a very good way of looking at things Three Roses. It has resonance for me.

I have learnt recently about the three parts that I will operate in (dissociate to) and it depends on my value of the relationship to the people I am with and the degree of stress that may be present. One part is calm and polite and cooperative, another is raging with anger, and lastly is the real me who manages to be present most of the time.

[goblinchild]

It is helpful, thanks. I know what you're talking about, but when I'm trying to do schoolwork or other such things it's not so much that I feel like...a different part of myself, I guess, but rather like a distinct lacking of self. Like I'm not really a full person.

That is informative though. I hadn't thought about it like that, but when I think about doing chores that I don't mind so much I guess I feel the same way.  A different aspect of my personality and how I deal with things is predominant when I do laundry then when I'm lounging around.

This is starting to remind me of an argument I had once about New Age "mind over matter" "manifest your reality" philosophies in relation to mental health. I argued that Jonathan Livingston Seagull mindsets were a good thing, so long as they applied to situations where the main problem was having an unhelpful mindset.  But it shouldn't be applied to mental health issues in that way because mental illness is not a mindset. a mental illness can include having negative mindsets, but comparing a mindset to a mental illness is like comparing a cog to a complicated machine. A machine might have cogs but it's not all cog! It's complicated! It requires more effort to take apart and fix.

I hope this doesn't sound pretentious, but maybe when other people do something they don't want to do it's a mindset thing? But when I'm having trouble with it, it's a mental illness thing?

[Boy22]

Hey goblinchild,

I tried to explain this to my case manager from my insurer. I was trying to get her to understand that certain groups of words and meanings were setting of my cptsd. I explained a scenario from my childhood and what messages I was getting prior to painful events.

I said my logical brain can hear what you are saying and understands that you are trying to be helpful, but my cptsd brain just freaks out!

She didn't get it and in the end I emailed her manager and said I refuse to deal with her anymore. The current one is much more respectful.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Dear goblinchild.

I hope you don't mind a late reply. I don't know, maybe you won't even see this.

But, anyway, what you wrote really reminded me of the way I always felt when I was younger. I simply couldn't conceive of how people can do full time jobs.

I incorrectly assumed that how i am feeling is the same way everyone else does. I have a lot of trouble conceptualising other people's emotions. Sometimes I feel so much like an automaton and I naturally just feel that everyone feels the same way.

Of course, they don't. Other people are buzzing and flitting around and generally not having to deal with deep  levels of uncomfortable emotions. So in a sense life is easier for them.

Those of us who have a hard time with such things can find 'simple' things hard not because we are not capable or lazy but simply because we are carrying a whole other load simultaneously. Often that other load is invisible even to us. I think??? that might be the problem you are describing. At least, that is how i relate to it.

Learning which things (jobs, activities etc) are simply not for me and just not doing them has been beneficial. But it took years.

I have never found a good way of doing the dishes! But I do it anyway otherwise they will pile up and I'll have no clean plates. I take a practical approach to my needs and try to fit things around that. I gave up trying to be like other people and felt a good deal of relief from doing so.

Ok. I feel like I've wandered off the thread. I don't know if I've been any help. I hope so, if even a tiny bit.

[goblinchild]

I don't mind a late reply! I think you have the right idea, that's how I feel too. I've only just started to conceive the notion that some things might not be for me and maybe it could be harmful to actively put myself in those scenarios. But! I'm stubborn and I don't like that idea at the moment. Maybe I'll come around to it later. I'll try to keep it in the back of my mind that that approach worked for you, so maybe there's something to it. I still feel like there must be a way to figure it out though.

[SharpAndBlunt]

It's whatever works for you! Good hunting. 

SaB