Birthday tomorrow

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blues_cruise

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Birthday tomorrow
« on: November 20, 2018, 01:41:47 PM »
Feeling anxious. It's the second birthday of no contact with NF but the first one where I think extended family have been fully aware that we don't speak anymore. I'm wondering whether certain people will bother sending cards to me this year and a lack of communication will make their thoughts about me quite clear I think. I'm not hugely sure why I care, these people weren't there for me when I was having a tough time growing up with him and I rarely see them. They're all unknowingly part of a major family dysfunction with little self-awareness. I think it's just hard knowing that there is so much one-sided untruth out there and it feels unjust.

Birthdays have been used as a tool by NF to keep me in line, certainly for the last 15 years or so anyway. There's been so much anxiety over the years about whether he'll try to humiliate me with a sarcastic card or just generally treat me with contempt. I at least won't have that uncertainty anymore. Last year I binned his card without reading it and if one turns up this year (I actually doubt it, I think he's given up) I will do the same. I'm not sure if I'll be sad if I don't receive anything from him, perhaps, but I think there will be more relief than anything.

It would be nice to change my negative thoughts towards my birthday, it's a long process. At least there will be cake. I hope.  ;)

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milk

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Re: Birthday tomorrow
« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2018, 05:17:13 PM »
 :cheer: Happy Birthday Blues Cruise

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Three Roses

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Re: Birthday tomorrow
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2018, 05:28:41 PM »
Happy birthday! Yes, I relate to a certain feeling of sadness too about the lack of communication from family but I think for me it's preferable to the questions which seem to put me on the defensive. I don't like feeling like I have to defend or explain my decisions. For me it reminds me there was no one there to witness, validate, or alleviate my pain when I was in the middle of it all.

🎂🍰🍨

And here is some cake and ice cream for you! It may just be virtual cake but the sentiment is honest and heartfelt. ❤️ Happy birthday. ♥️

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Deep Blue

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Re: Birthday tomorrow
« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2018, 06:25:02 PM »
Happy Birthday  :party: :cake: :phoot:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Birthday tomorrow
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2018, 03:02:22 PM »
happy birthday, bc.  i hope it's as stress-free as possible, and you can enjoy it on your own terms.

 :cake: : :phoot: :fireworks:

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Blueberry

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Re: Birthday tomorrow
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2018, 03:07:27 PM »
Happy Birthday!  :cake:    :phoot:    :party:    :sunny:

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woodsgnome

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Re: Birthday tomorrow
« Reply #6 on: November 21, 2018, 04:09:02 PM »
May your day be extra peaceful, oriented to what you're building for things to come ...  :hug:

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blues_cruise

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Re: Birthday tomorrow
« Reply #7 on: November 21, 2018, 10:18:46 PM »
Thank you so much everyone.  :) I've been sad today but have been extra kind to myself and have made a massive effort to positive self talk. I did receive a birthday card from my N father and felt a very fleeting, bittersweet joy (literally one or two seconds) that he had sent me something. It came as such a shock to me. Last year I was angry and resolved, this year it feels like I'm starting to grieve. I think the reaction was the inner child in me reacting to the pull of having an idealised dad back, the one that doesn't actually exist and ultimately ends up hurting me.  :'( I couldn't bring myself to throw the card away this year but have put it away unopened in a drawer. I am vulnerable today more than ever and I think that's probably what he is hoping for. I don't see why a birthday should be any more reason for attempting to communicate with me than any other day and he hasn't tried to since March. As heartbreaking as it feels I just really can't go backwards and put myself through the constant anxiety and mind games. I don't feel any obligation or guilt which is amazing compared to how I was feeling a couple of years ago, only pure sadness.

Happy birthday! Yes, I relate to a certain feeling of sadness too about the lack of communication from family but I think for me it's preferable to the questions which seem to put me on the defensive. I don't like feeling like I have to defend or explain my decisions. For me it reminds me there was no one there to witness, validate, or alleviate my pain when I was in the middle of it all.

🎂🍰🍨

And here is some cake and ice cream for you! It may just be virtual cake but the sentiment is honest and heartfelt. ❤️ Happy birthday. ♥️

Aww cake and ice cream, thank you!  :cheer: ;D

My family seem to have remained neutral thankfully, or at least they're choosing to take a step back and not get too involved, which is the best possible outcome really. That would have been the last thing I needed today! Quite relieved today's over, it's a shame that I find my birthday so stressful but hopefully it will start to get easier.  :Idunno: