Three Roses that is one beautiful poem.
Reading this poem with you in mind, ah —- this is what I get
YOU (ah) are not defined by the situation you find yourself in and there is an added bonus of YOU getting in touch with your truth (that spark) and flaming it so high to burn away the toxic in your life - this sounds magical! AH —— Do you believe it? If so, what does your truth look like in response to the toxic hell you describe? (Rhetorical question public answer not needed unless you want to share) Btw I believe in your truth whatever that is for you.
Do you mind, I have lots of questions that dont need to be answered publicly - mostly because I want to understand your situation and who you are, so I can be supportive.
Ah — based on what you have shared I see a person following through with a promise and that speaks to your integrity. How you go about it, is your business, your struggle —- no one knows what that is like but you. How I understand what you wrote is: You have chosen to put aside your need to “Soften“ so you can remain “tough as nails“ to survive the daily abuse you live with. You describe this struggle as a penance — ok Question: If you are paying your dues through this commitment you promised, why are you hating yourself on top of that? To go through penance is already hard without self hate. How about doing the penance with self forgiveness in mind? What would that look like? - I have been in this place and asked myself these questions - it helped me to work it out in my head.
You wrote you have no support system and that your reputation has been compromised. Do you have a good T you trust? If not, consider finding a stellar T to connect with online - out of the country possibly - I have done this and it worked well - a new perspective outside of the town (the fishbowl) I lived in was a safe option.
Ah - You wrote that you“keep at it because the people you help, dont care about how you feel, and they need you“ Do you want the people you help to know how you feel? Have you told any of them about your struggle?
Hmm. *weeeee clarification here: I know what it feels like to fight for one’s life/truth (that’s how i relate to your struggle) — you are right, armor is required and abusers do love vulnerability. There is a way to be tough as nails and love yourself —- share appropriately like what you are doing here, to build strength AND something I still struggle with but works well. When I have come around on a mistake i have made and found that space where i am ok with it** I was able to share it — letting go of how others respond because I knew my truth with it, and no one can break my resolve!
At times in my relationships I expected something that never came because I didn’t let them know I needed it. I realized that people who care, cannot read my mind — sometimes i think they can, but mostly not lol
—- when i was a full time teacher there were days that were damn hard and I expected the kids to share so i could help them - but what about me, was I the robot that came out when they lined up? No. I would share my struggle appropriately with the students to role model how to handle difficult emotions while still showing up to work and it also showed the kids that i was a human being.
Something else*you wrote that you are bailing on the job when its done — this is an act of self preservation despite the references to death. Personally i would need the break too — rest (to recoup) that is, from all the madness.
That’s it on my end. I hope my questions and stories find you well. thank you for trusting us with your near speechless breakdown —- you have a place here to be real in — enjoy the nourishment.
