Not sure what to say

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ah

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Not sure what to say
« on: October 17, 2018, 12:15:30 PM »
Not sure what to say. But I know some really good people here so here I am, even though I'm not too far from speechless.

Am unable to make some partial peace with what happened to me in the past month.

I'm not having an especially bad month in terms of mood swings, which tells me how bad it is, you know? I'm not struggling with questions of hope and meaning like I was before, I've given them up completely.

Still, I have to do some things I promised to do. I began an org. to help others a few months ago. It's about to take off and is expected to potentially grow fast and help so many people. So I keep at it because people who are in need don't care how I feel, they just need my help. The hopelessness of the person offering it doesn't matter at all. But I also do it because I hate myself to such a complete degree now that everything I still do I see as my penance. 

I also got a huge job order. I've been working on developing professionally for the past few years and it just came into fruition right now. Ironically. I laughed and laughed at the timing. So I work on that, as my penance. I thought okay, I'll just do this one job really well to make up a little for everything I've obviously done and for the hopelessness I feel now and for how evil I obviously am for giving up hope completely. My life has been beyond a joke. Total failure on all fronts. Waste of oxygen just like my F defined me. Every good thing attempted ended up in new abuse. I feel I'm such a disgusting thing that if I do something good for a change it'll undo a tiny bit of all my horrible actions that brought me here to this point, where my abuse is beyond anything I read in any book or have tools to deal with. So I work on this job order. And on the org. about to be launched with fireworks and the lot. No one involved in it has any idea how its founder is doing.

My body is still dying but too slowly. Still I don't know if there's a way to tolerate the present for me. My F attacking me both personally and publicly nationally and turning my NC into... something that is beyond vile. Beyond gaslighting. My other abusers doing exactly the same is hard too but it's my F's public abuse that broke me.
I understand him. He's just doing what sadists do. His behavior is logical for him. It's just that I don't know if I have to take more and more and more pain just to try to make sense of senseless pain to begin with. Is there no mercy for me?

I guess I feel an obligation to do these couple of things which are technical. I have no support system and I guess I now believe it really is because I don't deserve one. Some people are liked; I'm not in that group. I'm admired for my ideas and abilities, I used to be anyway. Admired / hated / attacked / competed with 'etc. But never helped or liked. Well, that and people are what they are. Those who aren't constantly abused are lucky. I have nothing wiser to add about being a person among people. This has broken me. I thought I was struggling before this but I didn't realize how much worse it could be. The "difficult" of a couple of months ago was light weight.

Sorry if I said nothing meaningful.

P.S please, no hugs... I do appreciate them but I can't take them right now. If you have thoughts on how to try to manage the unmanageable I'd deeply appreciate it. But to be perfectly honest I just hate myself more when people here offer me hugs. Words good. Hugs too triggering for my current self hatred. Sorry.

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radical

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Re: Not sure what to say
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2018, 01:20:12 PM »
Please give yourself mercy, Ah.  You are one of us and we all deserve kindness -all of us.
Even if you had never been here you would still be a precious and valuable fellow human an member of tribe hurt and not deserving hurt.  9So you'd still be one of us that we hadn't met yet.  You've done so much that deserves your own praise.  You are so much!
It can be the hardest thing of all being kind to ourselves when we haven't learned to be on our own side.  It is worth every effort, even if it seems meaningless - especially when it seems meaningless and then praise for yourself for the effort.
So glad to have you amongst us.

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woodsgnome

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Re: Not sure what to say
« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2018, 03:07:55 PM »
You're doing what you can (and probably more), so that's meaningful, although it might not feel like it. Even from afar, it's meaningful to those of us out here, trying to figure how to manage with what we can muster, but mostly we wonder how to live, and/or deciding if we want to try that much. It's agonizing is all it amounts to sometimes.

You may not feel it, but just knowing you're still as wise and reflective as we've come to know you is a good deal, though still very hard to take in. Your external troubles may have increased, but your interior flame is burning bright, and it's a treasure to see that.

Thanks for being here, even in these circumstances.


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ah

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Re: Not sure what to say
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2018, 10:10:26 PM »
Please give yourself mercy, Ah. 

Radical,
That's so kind and I appreciate it. I'm not sure what it means though. I don't mean to be obtuse, just... I have plenty to give to anyone else but if I gave it to myself I'd soften and I can't afford to soften. My life is too hard to bear that sort of thing. I'd explode under the pressure of the ongoing abuse I have to live with. I feel like I have to be as tough as nails so mercy isn't on the table for me. I don't know if that makes sense..? I'm sorry if it doesn't. Life long abuse is a special kind of * I guess.

You've done so much that deserves your own praise.  You are so much!

I can't see what you see. Sorry... I re-read what I wrote and it seemed so arrogant. "I do this and that... blah blah." I wanted to delete it for a minute.
The things I'm still doing I do anonymously. I'm so utterly tired of hatred and being attacked so I do it this way. I'm in the back.
The people I'm starting the org. with have no idea I plan to drop out soon, the moment it's up and running and I've given all I could. They don't realize I'm dying, or how desperate and how much I want to die already right now. Sigh. I guess they see me the way you see me. I don't see anyone like that.
My blindness maybe..? Or I'm confusing... I don't know.
Sorry.
Sigh.
I'm not well.
Hanging on barely.

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ah

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Re: Not sure what to say
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2018, 10:14:54 PM »
Woodsgnome,

It's agonizing is all it amounts to sometimes.

Oh yeah... I couldn't agree more... that, just that.

You may not feel it, but just knowing you're still as wise and reflective as we've come to know you is a good deal, though still very hard to take in. Your external troubles may have increased, but your interior flame is burning bright, and it's a treasure to see that.

Thanks for being here, even in these circumstances.

That though... are you sure you're thinking of me?..
I see a very different me.
Opposite.

Sigh
Sorry
I'm sorry
thanks for being here even when I'm in pieces

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Three Roses

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Re: Not sure what to say
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2018, 12:25:51 AM »
It's okay, no need to apologize. That's what we are here for, to support you when you need it.

I think of this poem when I'm at the end of my rope. I hope it helps you.

You are not your abuse.
You are not what they did to you.
You are not your trauma.

You are the cleverness that survived.
You are the courage that escaped.
You are the power that protected a tiny spark of your light.

You will fan that spark into a bonfire of rage and love,
and with it you will burn all their lies to ash.

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milk

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Re: Not sure what to say
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2018, 02:51:19 AM »
Three Roses that is one beautiful poem.

Reading this poem with you in mind, ah —- this is what I get

YOU (ah) are not defined by the situation you find yourself in and there is an added bonus of YOU getting in touch with your truth (that spark) and flaming it so high to burn away the toxic in your life - this sounds magical! AH —— Do you believe it? If so, what does your truth look like in response to the toxic * you describe? (Rhetorical question public answer not needed  unless you want to share)  Btw I believe in your truth whatever that is for you.

Do you mind, I have lots of questions that dont need to be answered publicly - mostly because I want to understand your situation and who you are, so I can be supportive.

Ah — based on what you have shared I see a person following through with a promise and that speaks to your integrity. How you go about it, is your business, your struggle —- no one knows what that is like but you. How I understand what you wrote is:  You have chosen to put aside your need to “Soften“ so you can remain “tough as nails“ to survive the daily abuse you live with. You describe this struggle as a penance — ok Question: If you are paying your dues through this commitment you promised, why are you hating yourself on top of that?  To go through penance is already hard without self hate. How about doing the penance with self forgiveness in mind? What would that look like? - I have been in this place and asked myself these questions - it helped me to work it out in my head.

You wrote you have no support system and that your reputation has been compromised. Do you have a good T you trust? If not, consider finding a stellar T to connect with online - out of the country possibly - I have done this and it worked well - a new perspective outside of the town (the fishbowl) I lived in was a safe option.

Ah - You wrote that you“keep at it because the people you help, dont care about how you feel, and they need you“ Do you want the people you help to know how you feel? Have you told any of them about your struggle? 

Hmm. *weeeee clarification here: I know what it feels like to fight for one’s life/truth (that’s how i relate to your struggle) — you are right, armor is required and abusers do love vulnerability. There is a way to be tough as nails and love yourself —- share appropriately like what you are doing here, to build strength AND something I still struggle with but works well. When I have come around on a mistake i have made and found that space where i am ok with it** I was able to share it — letting go of how others respond because I knew my truth with it, and no one can break my resolve!

At times in my relationships I expected something that never came because I didn’t let them know I needed it. I realized that people who care, cannot read my mind — sometimes i think they can, but mostly not lol :) —- when i was a full time teacher there were days that were damn hard and I expected the kids to share so i could help them - but what about me, was I the robot that came out when they lined up? No. I would share my struggle appropriately with the students to role model how to handle difficult emotions while still showing up to work and it also showed the kids that i was a human being.

Something else*you wrote that you are bailing on the job when its done — this is an act of self preservation despite the references to death. Personally i would need the break too — rest (to recoup) that is, from all the madness.

That’s it on my end. I hope my questions and stories find you well. thank you for trusting us with your near speechless breakdown —- you have a place here to be real in — enjoy the nourishment.








« Last Edit: December 20, 2018, 10:28:57 PM by milk »

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the mirliton

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Re: Not sure what to say
« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2018, 03:54:49 AM »
Hello Ah,
Well I do not have any hugs or encouraging words to offer other than when I am feeling isolated, unlovable and unable to even want to treat myself with any sort of kindness, I come to OOTS and find some comfort knowing that there are others that have endured life lessons on HOW NEVER EVER TO TREAT ANYONE OR ANYTHING the way too many of us have experienced.  This forum is totally opposite of the expression "misery loves company".  The encouraging  replies that so many offer, even though they are navigating through their own murky waters touches my soul. I would like to contribute more, however when I am in my dark space I have nothing to offer.
It sucks feeling this way. It's been suggested that my anger needs to be validated AND also not directed at my-Self. So where can it go?? Anyway, this isn't much of a response and for that I apologize. I just wanted to share that as I go to sleep (or try to) I will hold a bit of heart space for you and maybe even a small spot for myself.

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Boy22

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Re: Not sure what to say
« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2018, 05:03:21 AM »
It's okay, no need to apologize. That's what we are here for, to support you when you need it.

I think of this poem when I'm at the end of my rope. I hope it helps you.

You are not your abuse.
You are not what they did to you.
You are not your trauma.

You are the cleverness that survived.
You are the courage that escaped.
You are the power that protected a tiny spark of your light.

You will fan that spark into a bonfire of rage and love,
and with it you will burn all their lies to ash.
Wow!

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sanmagic7

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Re: Not sure what to say
« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2018, 06:47:33 AM »
ah, just want you to know that i'm here with you, we're all here with you.   i'm just so sorry you're suffering like this.  wish i could do more.  i'm glad you shared yourself with us, and also that you told us what you needed to stay strong.

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Mia2017

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Re: Not sure what to say
« Reply #10 on: October 19, 2018, 06:42:53 AM »
In your words, I see a lot of pain, but also a very strong person that refuses to give up. You don't sit back and be a victim, but even initiate help for other people.
So, don't give up. In the past, I have disliked the sentence: One step at a time!, but now I can see the truth in it.

Writing about your pain helps, too. That's why we all are here, like sanmagic already wrote.