Dear All,
I realize that it would have been better to continuously write here, instead of only writing in difficult situations. However, putting my thoughts and feelings into words and writing them down is so difficult for me.
For the last couple of days I don't know, what to feel. Should I scream, silently weep, angrily throw stuff around or just run until I am worn out and break down. I don't know.
Last weekend I went to see relatives in the region where I grew up. It's a nice couple, who loves me and sticks with me, even though I went NC with my family of origin two years ago. But my relatives sporadically have contact with my narc Mom out of guilt and wanting to help. She never accepts any. Now on the day prior to my arrival, I called and noticed the different tone in the voice of my relative. I sensed that something was wrong and was very unsure, whether I should visit or not.
I went with lots of doubts and the welcome at my relative's house was the same as on the phone, very distant. After a while, my relatives broke the awkwardness and told me that they had spoken with my mother. She had looked terribly, sick and thin and had told my relatives that she had been in decay due to my no contact. My relatives also noticed that my Mom seemed very confused, not finishing sentences and bringing up strange situations from a long time ago. Nevertheless, they felt very burdened and "standing in the middle" and suggested me talking to my Mom or writing a letter. I talked to them openly and explained why that was no option for me and that it was the healthy way to stay no contact. They accepted that.
Now yesterday, just before I went back home, my relative read the paper and all of a sudden handed the page to me. Sure enough, there was an announcement of the foreclosure of my mother's house in five weeks. This was also my home for a long time and there are still belongings of me there. I also don't have any pictures of me as a child. My mom has all that. Even before going NC I stopped visiting my Mom's house and we met somewhere else, because I had always gone sick when going there. So I did not take anything with me.
What shall I do? I can't just go there, because my brother still lives with my mother and he is very aggressive and verbally abusive. He also suffers from a narc personality disorder and even uses a fake personality on the Internet to appear wealthy and successful.
All my life has been circling around this family drama. The NC has had such a positive effect and I have started developing my true self. I have worked so hard. Now those incidents throw me off and I just don't know, what the next step might be apart from my emotional status. Probably, I will have to talk to a lawyer or adviser.
I am so glad, I can write here.
Thank you!
