Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.3

[tea-the-artist]

New chapter of life, new chapter for the journal!

Some boundaries/rules/notes/???:

• Please don't comment (for now!) or advise if I didn't prompt.
  I never had an issue because I appreciate advice, but I think my taking all advice without considering my own needs or preferences, etc, is a bit hindering. Also trying to move away from my journals feeling like an entertainment space to a self-reflective, self-growth space for my benefit, first and foremost.
• Moving away from day recounting. rather do that in my physical journals.
  
• I want to focus on trauma responses in this journal.
  Processing my reactions and working to develop new skills like Fight. I think a big part of leaving FOO is learning to focus on what's going on right now, and recognizing that I don't live with them anymore, and that triggers and EFs are just that, triggers and emotional flashbacks. And that they don't signify true present danger.

I had more things but I remembered how overwhelmed I get when I over-plan so those things are good for now.

how things are going in the last two months since moving out:
Progressively getting better. I quickly got a job I nearly adore except the being on my feet all day. It gives me such a nice sense of purpose and fulfillment!

In the beginning I felt very shy around MG and Pansy. I felt so uncomfortable and intruding-guest-like and it was difficult to come out of that but I have. MG really helped me feel more comfortable about taking ownership of the space. I kept remembering him telling me how I'd have access to all the books when I moved in and that's helped so much!

Exploring the city has been GREAT! I spent so much time by myself that I feel so much more comfortable with it. M and F would be devastated to know I walk around by myself before and after work but it's a part of life! It gives me such an amazing feeling of independence!

Speaking of independence, I realize how much I like alone time. Doing my own thing. That helps with claiming part of my space in the apartment. I don't need to be attached to my friends at the hip. We don't always have to eat at the same time. Don't have to be hanging out at the same time, be in the same space at the same time. That took me a little to realize and appreciate in this transition from best friends who hang out every weekend to best friends who coexist and have separate schedules. And with knowing the city (and transport), that separation helps a lot in independence. I take the bus and come home or leave when I want for work. No permissions needed.


Trauma Responses:

- The new independence has helped with abandonment issues. Self-reliance rules!
- Rejection feelings still present, feeling unheard sometimes. My job has helped me immensely with voice projection, though, so that's hopeful! Getting better at speaking up.

- Memory has been worse than ever it feels? My schedule is no longer stable so it's hard to remember my hours and I've forgotten on two occasions where it impacted my friends so I have to work on that. No need to be so confident in knowing my schedule! It's OK to check it to make sure.

- Been texting M updates every week. It's sometimes tough, I sometimes feel a very strong feeling that I'm hurting her. But I know I'm not. That feeling is something my brain has created in response to the constant guilt tripping. So it's OK, understandable. Overall, it's been OK. Perhaps another entry on my deeper feelings on that.

- Experiencing a strong transition from Fawn/Freeze to Fawn/Flight. Gonna read on that later, but it's been problematic. Just Saturday I fully realized the exhaustion I'd been feeling for the whole month of September since I started working. Been having a lot of physical issues, particularly in my muscles that I need to get checked hopefully next month. Think more about how this isn't the "running away" my parents call it, but removing myself from a bad setting and into one where growth is possible. But growth doesn't mean constant work with no rest.


I'll stop here. Really looking forward to this fresh start and where it'll take me!

[tea-the-artist]

HIDING right now. finding this extremely difficult. my friends came home and i was suddenly irritated by all the noise and then i didn't offer to help with dinner and they ate alone and are now outside my room (dining room) building the cookie haunted house and i just feel like an uber coward. i meant to go and say i'd be skipping dinner bc i felt irritated and not hungry and that i was trying to complete a module for work but i couldn't. but the uncertainty of moods was just overwhelming that i ran away into my room.

so obviously that could have gone better than i wanted. im sitting in the dark and my door is wide open and the dining room is bright so it just looks foolish on my part.

it's very much a "If I want something known, I should say so." that's the fight response I just don't get yet. i don't want to be annoying. realizing I'm really carrying flight/fawn/freeze with the freeze and flight actually being more overwhelming than I originally thought was the case.

am also feeling ignored but i think in reality they are giving me some space because i'm being un-communicative. they aren't the coddling type really, i guess not right now that i've been living here for two months.

donno what i'm supposed to say when i come out. maybe there's nothing to say? maybe it's just a personal thing for me and something they don't really need to know. i think that's an ok option, too. i spent so much of my life feeling the need to explain every thing because i felt like i didn't deserve the privacy. but i do deserve the privacy to my own thoughts and feelings and still, it's just been two months since i moved in with them, and things are allowed to progress slowly, even if things progress quickly in other areas.

so i feel a little better talking this out and reflecting a bit. i think if anything was truly wrong, i'd be confronted. hopefully. gonna try and exit this room now and just go back to living instead of surviving and hiding.

[Three Roses]

I'm interested to know the outcome, if you feel like giving an update.

I never used to withdraw when triggered but I do now. I'm already not much of a talker and prefer to rely on body language and facial expressions to sort of flesh out my meanings in face to face communication. Impossible with online communication but emojis at least give me a little expression.

I think your roomies know a little about your background? I'm wondering if something non-verbal would help you communicate your feelings. I have a magnetic sticker on my fridge with facial expressions I can use to show myself and others how I'm feeling. When my sons were younger, we used red and green cards to help them express themselves. You're a creative sort, I'll bet you can imagine many other ways to tell your roomies how you're feeling. And, also there's the fact that you don't have to explain your feelings to others at all! But if you're wanting to and don't know how, this might be an option. Best wishes, dear Tea. 

[tea-the-artist]

i was writing an update but closed out of it hours ago and forgot

but as things tend to be in these situations, everything was fine. left the room a couple minutes after posting and grabbed a cup of water and set it on the table to show my intent to sit with them. so that was a start. eventually i pitched in to help, but the whole thing fell apart. today we'll try again (as is also the case in working with trauma!)

i definitely overthought a lot of the small details again:
- are they mad i didn't ask to help with dinner?
- are they mad i didn't walk to greet them when they got home (it took a while for them to get to the dining room)?
- are they mad i didn't eat dinner with them?
- are they mad the only thing i said was "hi" "how was your meeting" and "the roomba got caught on something that's why it's on right now"?

those anxieties are what causes me to separate from reality and prevents me from living in the now, existing as i am. I still feel like those small independences that I obtain will help with this :thumbsup: i'll be ok!

the uncertain moods and my hypervigilance is going to continue getting the best of me if I can't find some way to start managing it. It's so exhausting being on the lookout for clues every minute they're home, it's a weird hostility that i've created for myself that they really have nothing to do with!

i try to approach from an aloof point of view, trying not to think every little thing is about me or because of something i did or said. my goal overall in these situations is to rely solely on information given, information i already have (whether those things impact emotions), rather than solely on scenarios i've built in my head. not to gaslight myself but to remember to stay present and not detach.

i want to EXIST! to LIVE!! the layers covering my potential true self are crumbling away bit by bit. one day, making sure i dont mentally catastrophize and dramaticize comes so easy and naturally that it won't feel like this huge effort. it'll happen!

[tea-the-artist]

          last night i dreamt F found me. i was in a college and walking through some admin office hallways and found him walking with a person who hired him  and was showing him around. he was holding a briefcase.

that was 2am. cried and decided I wouldn't try to go back to sleep until i got really tired, so later at 5:30 i finally fell back asleep.

i realized it's probably because lately i've been so anxious about seeing my dad's car model so many times in public that I always fear it's him. last week I was in the suburbs where I used to live doing some shopping and was alone walking between stores and saw his car in the parking lot. and it was very likely him and M could be out shopping too on the holiday. i didn't see either of them of course.

          in the dream F saw me, even though my back was turned and my head was shaved and I had tried to walk in a way that isn't Me, but he still knew it was me. he yelled and demanded to see me outside. he didn't even seem to come for me to confront. i started to run away through the halls and found one person and got on my knees and begged them of something. i think to not let anyone know i was giving them something to hide. or that i wasn't there.

that's all i remember and gosh that scared me badly.

everything's still unresolved and it sucks right now. i don't know how to make peace with it, and I don't think it's time for that now. i still wish i was a couple steps past where i'm at now, but that's ok. i'll get there.


have been communicating with M via weekly text updates, and that's really all i feel up to writing now.

[tea-the-artist]

in a situation right now that may just blow over by tomorrow.

all sorts of EFs that i wasn't expecting. it really is inescapable. i had the thought to not eat for the rest of the day, its only 4:30pm and that hurt me so much, in my heart. the sadness i felt, the kind like when i was a child, that pangs right in the heart in a different sort of way than when my feelings are hurt.

the plan is/was to self isolate and just see my friends tomorrow afternoon after we've all had our day at our jobs. old habits. i feel like i don't know how to get out of that. i feel kind of angry too, a small bit, and i'm not up for talking especially if it's going to avoid my friends' fight.

it's like punishing myself for something unrelated to me, though they are my friends. i did this so much at foo's home and i want to break out of it. i'm allowed to eat and i'm allowed to exist in my home. this is my home too. i'm not being punished and i shouldn't punish myself.

notes:
- refusing to eat, fear of getting caught off guard?
- staying in room, fear of being seen/caught/confronted
- hypervigilence(?)/ listening out to footsteps, sniffling, other sounds

i don't know what i should do right now. i always forget the self care for household tension. i don't remember if i ever had options other than "just do your thing" from a previous entry couple weeks ago.