Small Victory

[LilyITV]

My daughter is in Girl Scouts and as you know they are always selling stuff.  The act of participating in fundraisers is so triggering for me.  It makes me feel so vulnerable and I have so much anxiety over having to ask for help, the worry about being rejected, whether my daughter is going to raise a "respectable" amount of money, and so on and so on.  I also remember when I had school fundraisers, my parents never sold them to people outside of the family and would instead just buy a "respectable" amount themselves.  We were always so isolated.

Well, my daughter's troop is doing a fundraiser and I decided that I was going to actually help her sell some things to people outside of me and my husband.  At first, I made a whole bunch of excuses about why I couldn't do it for a week or two.  Then I decided that I could do it, but then I procrastinated on sending out the emails and things.  I sent out emails to friends and family, and a couple of them responded, but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to follow up.   

Now it's two days before the end of the fundraiser, and I've done very little.  But today, I got out the nerve to send out an email to my coworkers to ask them to buy from my daughter and a couple of them have responded!   Now I'm going to call my father and some other people to see if they can order too.

I realize that part of my fear and procrastination has been that I wouldn't get many sales and I'd be embarrassed and let my daughter down.   I think part of it is low self esteem and just that feeling when I was kid that I and my family were "different" and not normal and feeling that anything I'd try like this would be a failure. 

Since I've done so much thinking about why fundraising is so hard for me, it makes my anxiety around it a little easier to cope with it.  I'm trying to reframe the situation--instead of focusing on how many sales I've gotten, I'm celebrating the fact the ones she did get and the fact that I got up the nerve to participate in the first place.   I also want to look as this as a "warm up" and that I can do even more when cookie sale time rolls around.  There is no way to "fail" at this.

I'm also going to be kind to myself and not beat myself up for procrastinating about it and not selling more.  Today is a huge victory for me and I am going to celebrate it.   

[Three Roses]

I'm also going to be kind to myself and not beat myself up for procrastinating about it and not selling more.  Today is a huge victory for me and I am going to celebrate it.

[Blueberry]

I'm trying to reframe the situation--instead of focusing on how many sales I've gotten, I'm celebrating the fact the ones she did get and the fact that I got up the nerve to participate in the first place.   ...

I'm also going to be kind to myself and not beat myself up for procrastinating about it and not selling more.  Today is a huge victory for me and I am going to celebrate it.   

Way to go!

[LilyITV]

Update on this, my daughter more than doubled her goal!  You would think I would be happy about this, but man, I still continued to feel anxiety even as I was making small victories.  On Friday, after putting out the sale to my coworkers and getting responses, I still felt anxiety and had that dreadful feeling like I wanted to throw up.  That feeling continued on Saturday even as more orders started to roll in online.  The anxiety and dread was still there on Sunday after I realized my daughter had doubled her goal and people were still calling to make purchases.

Even after making such an accomplishment, my IC reared up with full force and berated me for not getting started sooner and not making more money.  

When I have tried to work on my issues in the past, this would be the part where I'd quit trying to be social and taking risks because feelings like this are so painful.  This is the point where I'd just resign myself to the fact that I am just an introvert and always will be and that I will never change.

But then I decided to reframe the issue.   Instead of thinking of myself as struggling, I chose to think of myself as fighting, and healing and winning.  On Monday, I am no longer feeling the anxiety and shame, and so I am fully celebrating this victory and am going to keep on fighting. 

[Blueberry]

  even more progress