How to help someone in a harassment situation right now?

[thetruth]

Hi all.

I have a friend who is being treated very poorly by her boss. He is endeavouring to upset her. It has been going on for up to 2 years. It involves micromanagment and being generally inconsiderate and difficult, the usual 'hard to describe' constant climate of antagonizing and controlling behaviour.

Having been the victim of the same thing in the past and as I am still suffering over the legacy of it all, I want to do whatever I can to help this woman. It will come as no surprise to hear that this woman is a lovely person who only means well to all people. She is also competent in her work and well thought of.

So this guy resents her. He became her boss 2 years ago. She was already in the job long before he came on the scene and he is ruining her working life.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to protect her? Should his behaviour be flagged up to a higher authority in the organisation for her? With her consent of course. Until his behaviour is reported he will continue to push her towards an outburst, after which he will accuse her of being aggressive or crazy.

She needs help.

[Kizzie]

Most workplaces have harassment policies and processes - maybe suggest she check with HR and if there are she can lodge a complaint. 

[Rainagain]

I've been in this situation.

The best answer is to find another job and forget about this person.

I fought it instead, it did not go well.

If your friend can't leave then keep notes of everything and consider raising a grievance once there is strong documentation.

You need to warn the manager in writing that their behaviour is unacceptable so they cannot plead ignorance, banter, unintentional etc.

If there is someone else who can make a complaint as well then join forces.

Whoever hears the grievance will usually want to make it go away without finding fault, wait until something happens that is clear and cannot be ignored before using the grievance procedure.

[Contessa]

I've been in this situation too. Unfortunately even with harassment policies in place, I still found it to be a no-win situation; just trying to ride out the disrepect and being constantly undermined, or reporting it and yes... everything Rainagain has said being the result.

Either way you cannot work to your best ability, and it is so mentally and emotionally draining fighting for yourself. Unfortunately (or fortunately once you're there), starting afresh in a new job seems to work well.

For me i'm much happier and am now thriving instead of flailing. That's just my view in hindsight, and I hope your friend triumps whatever they decide to do xo

[thetruth]

Hi,

Thanks all for your replies. I've been managing anxiety and I forgot about my post for days.

I hear what you are saying Rainagain and I did suggest to her a year ago that she leave, on the back of my own personal experience of having mental health unexpectedly destroyed by the same method (harassment at work).

This woman is in a unique role which she loves. I was in a similar position too. So it's only with the benefit of hindsight I know I should've gotten out sooner.

It's not as easy as just leave and find another job. I was looking for a job that suited my aptitudes and abilities so perfectly all my life. I found It where I wanted to live. I had been in loads of jobs I despised previously. There simply were no alternative jobs to consider available. I had no choice but to fight. Because to leave without fighting for that job would have left me fully convinced I had walked away from the holy grail. Something I had already done in life and lived to regret it. So it's just not as easy as find another job, when you're in a job you actually love.

This woman is in a similar set of circumstances. She is in her dream job.

Does anyone know of a good non addictive alternative to diazepam? Has anyone tried kava kava? By all accounts it treats anxiety well?

Thanks everyone for feedback. 

[Rainagain]

I was in my dream job too, but now I am so damaged that my future earning potential has been calculated as...zero.

So, just from my experience, no job is worth ruining yourself to hold on to.

However, it could be that your friend can get everything straightened out and things can be fine again.

I just think that is less likely than for things to become even worse and more damaging.

I don't think I've seen a persecutor stop  just because they were asked, their character means they tend to increase their evil when challenged.

Fear can work, but its not something you can use in the workplace to straighten things out.

[LilyITV]

I am currently in a similar situation.  I am not in my dream job, but it's a job that provides a lot of advantages that would be difficult to find elsewhere.  I've been at my job 12 years and I'm good at what I do.  Everyone other than this dude in senior management likes me and acknowledges my abilities.  He has taken actions to stab me in the back at every opportunity and I've lost out on opportunities because of it.

Does your friend suffer from C-PTSD?  Part of the reason why this man was able to target me is that I am very isolated, even though I'm generally well-liked.  He is able to smear me and bully me because I stay to myself and don't have other allies who know me well enough to back me. 

What I'm working on now, as part of my C-PTSD recovery, is to make other friendships and alliances at work so that those folks can vouch for me.  He is nothing but a bully, so I also need to work on ways to be more assertive and not just accept his passive aggressive bullying.

If it's truly her dream job, then I think she could fight to stay on.  It would really help her if she had more support among her coworkers and other people in management.  But I also think she should consider whether she wants to pursue other opportunities.  If she's going to have to put up with a bunch of crap to stay there, then is it really a dream job?  Is she limiting herself unnecessarily by not being open to other possibilities?  I know for the longest I haven't dared to dream about pursuing better opportunities because I don't feel worthy. 

[Contessa]

Concur with RA again. My absolute dream job too, had hit dream jackpot and loved it.

But the persecutor does not stop. Addressing things, even early, makes their persecution stronger and more underhanded.

Heck, mine really started when I received a top accolate in my field; bullying and maipulation kicked right off from there.

[radical]

Unfortunately, all the advice in the world to get out is unlikely to be taken.  It's understandable, one of the common problems with this situation is not being able to quite believe it could be happening, and if it really is, that justice, or common sense or just sanity can't prevail.

When it was happening to me I found thousands of people online.  The stories are so similar it is eerie.  I haven't heard of a case where it turned out okay for the target.  Pretty much everyone says the same thing.  If a person is being seriously targeted leaving is the only choice because staying pretty much always means being forced out with serious health detriment and re-employment issues making everything, including the injustice much worse.

No-one who has experienced this recommends going to HR.  The bully has long prepared for this.  She wont be his first target, or his last.  I wish there were better options.

[thetruth]

Thanks everyone for the responses. My own anxiety has been running high for over a month so this will be short.

Yes radical, I believed fairness had to win out in the end and I invited a trusted gp into the mix thinking he would be the catalyst. He picked up the denial of my bully and ran with it because it was easier for him that way. He was a catalyst alright, from trauma to life ruining trauma.

Radical I might copy and paste your message for my friend because though I have been trying to communicate to her that she doesn't realise how bad things might turn, without first hand experience she is simply oblivious. As we all were.

She says management love this guy...  this guy has had 2 harassment cases taken against him before and a man has tried to kill himself because of his management....... but management have invested in him and they can't have him fail!!!!!

What the *?

[Rainagain]

So,
This manager has a strong track record of damaging others, and a strong track record of getting away with it so feels justified and entitled to do whatever they like.

This person also has full backing of management.

How can someone push back against those odds?

They can't.

Its not about right and wrong, its about staying safe and avoiding dangerous situations.

Don't go down the dark alley when you know there are assailants waiting for you, go another route and stay safe.

Employment law is more of a deterrent, it doesn't actually punish those who transgress regardless.

[ah]

She says management love this guy...  this guy has had 2 harassment cases taken against him before and a man has tried to kill himself because of his management....... but management have invested in him and they can't have him fail!!!!!

What the *?

I agree with every word Rainagain said and I've been in similar situations more than once. Heard literally these exact same words from management about work place abusers. More than once. So I guess this reaction from different managements is part of the abuse cycle itself and is a clear pattern too.

I guess there aren't many options. One can stay put at work if the dangers are known: if your friend understands that this is abuse and maybe, just maybe, if the abuser doesn't get bored the level of abuse might stay constant and it might be hard but bearable. Still, there may be long term repercussions for her. But if she's fully aware of the risks and is willing to take them on then that's one choice she can maybe make.

But this is an abuser who's fully backed by management so it's easy to imagine he might get bored and escalate his behavior more and more. This is a real danger.

Walking away is so hard. I know. None of us want to believe such evil behavior is out there, and that we have no protection from it.

Maybe your friend can write down the pros and cons of staying put and re-assess them on a weekly basis? Even if it was worth it to stay put last week, it's always possible to change one's mind.

I'm sorry for your friend and for the stress I'm sure it's causing you too. How insanely triggering it must be... so I really respect you for being there for your friend, that's no small feat of courage and kindness on your part.

It's a dangerous place to be for your friend. Probably there are no good outcomes, that's what happens when a sadistic abuser picks a person as a favorite. I'm sorry she has to go through that.

[thetruth]

Thanks again, Rainagain and Ah.

It is triggering.

I'm finding it challenging to assess just how much danger she is in. The worst case scenario is she finds herself with a life ruining psychological injury. Neither she nor I know what the chances of that are.

I ask questions to try to ascertain the stress level already being experienced but the responses are varied and contradictory. She may be denying its true extent to shield het ego.

For me personally, I knew things were bad when I couldn't turn off the thinking at night and sleep was an impossibility.

I'm still trying to gauge where she is in this. To be honest she tells you a bit then closes up. She says things like, he won't beat me, he is weak, etc.

[thetruth]

Most workplaces have harassment policies and processes - maybe suggest she check with HR and if there are she can lodge a complaint.

Hi Kizzie,

I made this suggestion just as you advised. She says management don't want to hear it. She has so many reasons to not do as you say. I pointed this out and said she is playing their game for them if she doesn't speak up.

As long as no one speaks up they'll gladly assume he is not annoying anyone. She actually is playing the bullies game for him.

But this is the problem. She deeply believes speaking up will be counter-productive . We all know this fear. I held it for a year before I spoke up. Then doctor, family, management happily suggest you are being irrational/over sensitive, after you have stomached a year of abuse to see if it would go away on its own.

You know?

Until it is mentioned everyone wants to pretend it isn't there. After it is mentioned people will endeavour to make it your fault and not theirs (the bully's)

Why is bullying so readily excused? I think because dealing with it is so much hassle. People in general would prefer it if you were being over sensitive because it would mean less chance of having to confront the abuser. And this includes your nearest and dearest.

Men aren't supposed to be able to be victims of bullying, even though they are only human. I'm living the effects of real events, but it seems these effects are not supposed to be lived by men. I  can't get the words right now.

[Rainagain]

Its all about power.

An employee has no power over managers, that is exactly why bullies scramble up the greasy pole, so they can have power over others.

The checks and balances are meant to be employment law and the unions, these are ineffective so the power imbalance remains.

The law tends to maintain the edge employers have over employees in order that the world keeps turning the way the powerful want.

No matter how nice you are, how industrious, how dedicated and successful, the power imbalance means you can be preyed upon and there is no way to fight back.

A rabbit understands this and runs from the fox.

People often don't see how things really are until they have been chewed up.

5 years ago I was a union rep, I would have fought, in fact I did.

Now I say, start running and don't look back, the bullies/sociopaths/inadequate personalities will always get you in the end.

While I was busy doing a good job the vile people were accumulating power and allies. They were unassailable.

You don't have to like it or think its right and proper, you just have to accept the world is dangerous and run from foxes.

I thought I was taking a stand for what is right, now I am pretty much wrecked.

I'd say my advice to move on and find safety might look like cowardice, but it comes from hard won experience.

The rabbit that runs isn't a coward, it just fully understands what it is to truly be a rabbit. And what the nature of the fox is.

And dear thetruth, for heavens sake don't try to refight your battles through your friend, I lost my fight, you lost yours, your friend can still get away without permanent injury. That is the best outcome that can be achieved.