How to help someone in a harassment situation right now?

[Blueberry]

And dear thetruth, for heavens sake don't try to refight your battles through your friend, I lost my fight, you lost yours, your friend can still get away without permanent injury. That is the best outcome that can be achieved.

  As painful as it may be to witness, your friend has to go their path to get out of this situation.

[thetruth]

Thanks, 

All very true. Insightful. The problem is the truth that you describe so well is probably very seldom understood by a person who hasn't already been chewed up and damaged.

So it's now a case of, for me I mean, how to manage the psychological injury suffered,  but also how to manage the deep need for the truth to be heard. I live in a community where the misrepresentation cultivated around me and about me following my attempts to stand up for myself, now define me.

Do you know what I mean? I am defined by their lies and the stress I exhibited.

..... I think I am in a flashback. I'm in psychological pain. My mind can't process the complex mess of injustices. I saw the doctor who helped create this situation for me on Sunday. Talk about a trigger. He is retired now. He has no idea the problems I have thanks to him. But this has been building for weeks.

[Blueberry]

So it's now a case of, for me I mean, how to manage the psychological injury suffered,  but also how to manage the deep need for the truth to be heard. I live in a community where the misrepresentation cultivated around me and about me following my attempts to stand up for myself, now define me.

managing psychological injury - check Pete Walker's Managing Emotional Flashbacks. Here in the glossary http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/ there's the pdf of it. None of this made too much sense to me till I bought his book just last week.

Allowing our truth to be heard: it can be very cathartic to write a letter you will never send to this doctor and post it on here http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0 At least everybody on the forum can read it and it really does seem to lower the anger or pain or both that we carry.

[ah]

All very true. Insightful. The problem is the truth that you describe so well is probably very seldom understood by a person who hasn't already been chewed up and damaged.

So it's now a case of, for me I mean, how to manage the psychological injury suffered,  but also how to manage the deep need for the truth to be heard. I live in a community where the misrepresentation cultivated around me and about me following my attempts to stand up for myself, now define me.

Do you know what I mean? I am defined by their lies and the stress I exhibited.

I think I know exactly what you mean. I'm in a similar situation. It's a hard place to be. I bet you're in a very tough spot.
I wish I could take it away from you. It's crazy making, all these lies and people's blindness. For what it's worth I'm completely 100% with you. It's very hard to see how dangerous some people can be before it happens to you.

[radical]

I am defined by their lies


Believe me, I know what those of you who have been violated in this way are saying.  The harm to me in my community is huge and sometimes the injustice burns and eats me up.


But I take issue with this.  Other people do and think what they like but we define ourselves.  You might say what difference does it make if we are paying an awful price in pubic humiliation, blame and ostracism, and sometimes I feel that way too.

But I told the truth at a very high price to myself.   I didn't knuckle under to coercion and violence despite that price.  I wrote in my journal "X could destroy me, will she?" and still told the truth.
I didn't cow or betray myself or all the other targets, past and future, much later when I was pressured to back down to a moderated version of the truth which would have allowed a degree of vindication. In doing so I could have undone some of that harm to myself and reopened some doors of people and things I cared about.  Doors that will always be closed to me.  I wasn't prepared to "negotiate" the truth about severe abuse.

That is what defines me about what happened.  That is what I feel about myself about what happened and the feeling is self-respect.


In a community the size of the one I live in, with the status of some of the enablers, the repercussions have been huge and affected much wider areas of my life than I could have anticipated.  But when it comes to what defines me I made a choice that my actions define me, not what people believe about them.

[milk]

There is SO much great advice here and yes, a lot of the justice sought will depend on the actions by the person being abused and the presence of a functioning body for grievances based on my experience.

I have two key points to offer and a lovely story of empowerment. First, document, document, document, then file a grievance. Next, a boss from a few years ago (my first job placement) was an NPD (running classic smear campaign), clever but not clever enough. I always met with him when others were present and I started to tape record our meetings (he knew I was serious at this point). My reasoning was short term memory loss. There was no functioning grievance authority so I rode it out till i could leave honorably.

I did have a dream job and I protected it with flying colors! On one production the tech director decided to come up to me close (in my face) and said, ‘you will do as i tell you or you will have no work in this town’ — mind you he did this in front of 20 witnesses (he forgot it was 2007 not 1950). I documented the incident filed a grievance with the union board and returned to the work I loved. Yes, on occasion this man would try to run me over with a forklift and stare at me with pure anger — luckily he was in anger management. Eventually his miocroaggressions dissipated and work went back to normal. Me, I was fine, every time I showed up for work it was about me going after what i loved about being there: sweating with the crew, laughing, having each others back, calling eachother out on lies. Eventually I did leave because it was time for me to move on.  A key factor is connecting with your colleagues authentically, if possible.

I hope my story offers some reprieve to those in the thralls of harassment — something that got me through everyday was focusing on what I loved and treating the other stuff like a routine cleanup —- garbage duty

One more thing about garbage duty,... when the crazy making got to me, it messed  me up — in those instances I reached out for a reality check: found a good T or counselor (first responder), if not in the same community then online, overseas — called someone who knew me — once my head was straight, I set up a plan of action to keep it straight till i was out of the dark hole.

Take care and sending you positive thoughts for justice

[thetruth]

Hi Milk,

Thanks a lot for your response here. I will respond in time when I can.

[milk]

Truth, you are welcome.

In fact, I reread the post you made and the responses — there is more I would like to share about this topic: power imbalances, how empowerment can heal trauma, femininity expressed in a masculine workplace and so on,...  (new thread possibly) I was fortunate to have worked in a male dominated field for ten years coming into my own as a woman; reliving trauma with all sorts of men, some supportive, some crossing boundaries, all the while being comfortable in my own skin (mind, spirit, body) sometimes the EF triggers would take hold but they didn't last long nor influence the core of who I was in that workspace—- finding the line between healthy banter and oppressive behaviors that needed to be called out.

I hope your friend is able to restore her power through healthy connections that push her out of the trauma.

[thetruth]

Thanks Milk,

At the moment my friend says she is managing quite well. I'm starting to think this guy isn't having just as damaging effect on her as I experienced in my case.

As for myself, I am in a period of calm and I am relatively untroubled  by the injustices of my harassment right now. I still have to think about them every morning and repeatedly every day but it isn't a crippling painful reliving. This time last week I was in the grip of the unbearable thinking about the same material. As Rainagain said, it comes and goes. Thank God it comes and goes, if it didnt sometimes go away and ease off, it would be intolerable. I had a very prolonged flashback in the spring and it drove me to the edge. It was my most painful flashback and it came almost 5 years after being made redundant from the job where the bullying took place. I could barely believe the intensity and duration of the complex painful thinking. I hope and pray I do not have to go through another such bout.

I am a period of calm and I am appreciating it.

[milk]

Hi The truth,

Off topic question. What do you mean by the term’redundant’? This is not a common term used in the U.S.

Edit: I looked it up - to let go - That’s right, its a Kiwi term.

By the way, hearing of your calm after such an ordeal makes me happy for you. The loss you described from five years ago sounds painful, the choices you made over the years lead you to where you are now. I experienced a loss many years ago as well, the choices along the way were hard and often times I was disturbed by the ugliness - but there was always the present, and here we are. May we (universal) continue to grow into our authentic lives.

One thing I enjoy is looking up the definitions of terms because my mind over the years can change the understanding of a word and eventually misuse it, until I look at the definition again.

Respicere; respect - to look at, the ability to see someone as he/she is, aware.

[Rainagain]

Hi The truth.

Your friend might not be in the same situation you experienced.

There are a couple if things the PTSD mind can do which I find interesting.

The first is to recognise a dangerous situation, sometimes where there isn't one, we have become highly reactive.

The second is to try to recreate the same danger we were harmed by in order to (hopefully) get a better outcome and thus gain control over the original tragedy.

I have done both of these myself, long before I got any kind of diagnosis or understanding, I was like a hamster going round in a wheel.

Looking back I was sad/funny. Helpless.

Just a thought.

[milk]

Rainagain, I completely understand the hamster in the wheel visual. This can also be ascribed to creating narratives (assuming the state of the hamsters mind) that fill in gaps of knowledge thus the spinning (groundless perceptions) till the wheel stops in the moment and recognizes the present (unaware of ones surroundings and finding a way forward).

Yes, there can be perceived dangers, luckily the frontal lobes can come to the rescue! Following in the steps of a PTSD mind, in the healing phase, the frontal lobes can differentiate between what is false and what is true, especially when manipulation is at play. The key here, is the way forward, how to go about it in a healthy manner — ‘to get a better outcome’.

Perhaps, break it down. What variables are at play here?The hamster, looking at the hamster, and the intentions from each position.

In one instance the hamster realizes its actions as sad, funny, and helpless. This is a critical point of awareness and nothing to be ashamed of.

In another, the hamster is spinning in the wheel to build momentum; it realized a fault in the cage, the inertia created from the spinning could release the lock, and it does. (Gaining control of the original tragedy)

The story of Platos Cave is another frame for interpreting this scenario. And this leaves us with ‘choice,’ how to move forward; its personal, collective, and requires respect for any real change to happen.

Rainagain, your thought is appreciated. I had to write this out to engage with it. Yes, it’s definitely a discussion for another thread (great point Contessa)

[Contessa]

The first is to recognise a dangerous situation, sometimes where there isn't one, we have become highly reactive.

The second is to try to recreate the same danger we were harmed by in order to (hopefully) get a better outcome and thus gain control over the original tragedy.

Brilliant lighbulb moment! Obviously a discussion for another thread, but Rainagain... I hadn't thought of it in those specific separate ways before. Well put.

[radical]

The second is to try to recreate the same danger we were harmed by in order to (hopefully) get a better outcome and thus gain control over the original tragedy.

I have done both of these myself, long before I got any kind of diagnosis or understanding, I was like a hamster going round in a wheel.

This is an important part of the truth, it is the empowering part, it allows us to see what we need to change, it is a valuable opportunity.  But it's not the whole truth.  We can never entirely insulate ourselves from abuse, imagining we can and trying to change and adapti according to just part of the truth can be dangerous in itself.

What doing so can obscure from view is the beauty, justice and kindness that is also a part of humanity.  I know I need to actively seek that out.  But a real danger in doing so is seeking to hide from myself, ever again, the cruelty that is part of being human.

I don't know about you, but I need to be able to be alive to both, and seeing abuse as something that was ever within my control makes me vulnerable.   That doesn't mean that what happened hasn't given me an opportunity to grow in the ways I had already sorely needed to - but some people are making their way by hurting and exploiting.  Others are hitching a ride with them for their own reasons, others are "naïve".  Those who are very well insulated from the harsher realities of life can often get away with wilful blindness, unless something makes them vulnerable....