ch. 5 -- looking forward

[sanmagic7]

back atcha, darlin'.  thank you - you are part of my heart family.

looking forward to tomorrow.  we have been making new memories, and tomorrow is one of them.  it will be great.

[Hope67]

HI SanMagic,
I hope you enjoy making those new memories.  Sounds very positive and Happy ThanksGiving.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hope, and a very happy thanksgiving to you, too.  love and hugs.

[sanmagic7]

thanksgiving went really well - it's so nice having this holiday with my d.  however, today the after-the-holiday letdown happened and i crashed big time.  just laid in bed feeling so depressed, tears running down my cheeks, feeling so alone.

it's been so busy, frantic, stressful the past 2 weeks leading up to this, what with the ultra-aggressive attack on the critters, having to see my d so uncomfortable, making all the plans for the holiday, all the cooking (which i haven't done in a long time), and the cleanup afterwards - wow, we're still working on that.

i remember this happening after most every christmas - i was always very busy with everything going on for the holidays, and the day after, boom!  everything was done, finished, all over.  that frenetic pace stopped on a dime, and all that energy, all that stress was gone overnight.  it was like a terrible depression the entire day after - listless, apathetic, confused, adrift.

at least i know what this is, and it will pass.  it's a bum bum having to feel it, tho, to go thru it.  so, i'm just gonna do some menial physical things, a little laundry, a shower, and maybe watch some football.  maybe just go back to bed.

some of this, too, i think is the responsibility i've shouldered in staying alive and viable for my d.  she suffers from anxiety, which is why she's not working full time anywhere but trying to make it as an author and editor.  my soc. sec. is what allows her to be able to stay in this house and pay the bills.  she's playing a sort of catch-up financial game that includes getting clients, which is no stability at all.  she works her butt off, but every month she's not sure if the next month will be as good.

it's a hard life - i've lived it.  so my goal is to be around at least till she makes enough sales on her books, gets a steady clientele, and can make it on her own.  i don't know how possible this is or when, even.  i can't share this with her, so i'm writing it here.  there's a chance that a friend of hers is wanting to move here, live with us, work here.  that's my hope - it would make everything so much easier on everyone.  however, she's in school, and it will be at least another 2 yrs. for anything to come to fruition.

so, yeah, we're flying by our coattails, month to month.  it gets wearing.  i'm hoping to have a workshop going in jan., which would bring in a few extra $$$, too.  i love the thought of getting back out there, but i don't relish the idea of having deadlines.  that started freaking me out when i had clients in mex.

so, we'll see.  one foot in front of the other.  fingers crossed and prayers flying that this all works out the way we want it to.  that would be so great.

[Blueberry]

I saw this and just wanted to send    From one go-back-to-bedder to another

[sanmagic7]

i hear ya, sistah!   

[sanmagic7]

feeling better today - back to bed was the best medicine.

plus, our critter drama seems to be dying down, and we're not so frantic anymore.  that feels wonderful.

so, i've got a potential food/eating workshop series coming up in jan., and i've written the program down in a book form.  i've begun editing, taking notes.  1 more ch. today.  the brainwork can be more tiring than phys. work in some ways.   i think bb has spoken to that already. 

i'll be excited to teach again - i've always loved it.  also a possible gig at the comm. college.  depends, both of them, on if there are enough people for a group.  that's always unpredictable.  honestly, tho, for many years i thought this would never happen again because i was too sick to even imagine it.  i had a few clients in mex., but had to stop - it was too stressful.

now i know that the cancer crawling across my scull for all those years was really killing me and my energy level, my ability to see a future where i was active and doing what i love.  whew!  so, today is a good day - i accomplished some stuff, and looked into the future more steadily than i have in many, many years.  it feels so good.

it also helps to keep the black political thoughts at bay as well.  something wonderfully positive to focus on.  lovin' that.

[Deep Blue]

Too tired to say much but wanted to send you some love 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie, and back atcha.  hope you get some rest.  i'm tired tonite, but in a good way. 

[sanmagic7]

i've been experiencing some adolescent 'me's' since i've been here.  i went thru a rebellious stint, putting my d in the mom position (it was an issue about the mr.), and lately this teenage girl having a crush on a celebrity.  i had missed out on both those things when actually an adolescent - at least, not forthrightly feeling it at the time, i don't think.  these two instances felt like filling an adolescent hole that i hadn't realized was there.

this 'crush' thing has just been fun.  enjoying it immensely, and my d is enjoying me enjoying it.  we're just having a good time about it all.  it's nice o feel like a kid again.  kind of revs up the red blood corpuscles (hahaha - the crush is on a vampire from the 'buffy' series! - spike).

anyway, i'm smiling now.  i never knew i really had these parts.  thanks to other forum members for being so open about their journey concerning this.  it's helped a lot.

[Elphanigh]

I am so glad you are getting in touch with thise parts of you ❤ It sounds like she is happy to bring you some joy and new experiences.  I love it so much  thank you for sharing with us

[sanmagic7]

thanks, my darlin' el.  it's been lots of fun, for the most part.  playing the rebellious d to her 'mom' image, wasn't cute or fun, but i really did feel like a snarky, hormonal teen when we were going thru it.  i never openly rebelled like that with my parents - just left their home and moved across the country even tho they didn't want me to.  i didn't have to deal with the consequences of that, altho my younger b and my dad sure did.

but, i guess that's what passive rebellion is about.  i was in my 20's by then, so it wasn't quite adolescence anymore.  i broke their rules left and right, but i was away so there was never a confrontation like with my d.  still, now i've experienced it, and that part of me has been quieted.

this crush thing, tho - what a hoot!  so glad to be in it, so glad it's so much fun.  i don't remember giggling with girlfriends about boys or crushes (except in a generic way with my best friend about the beatles), but before i was a senior in high school i really only had one friend, and we didn't get much chance to go out and giggle.  i'm enjoying it now.

whoever said it's never too late to have a happy childhood may have known something.  i'm looking forward to what else may be on the horizon.

[Elphanigh]

This is overall so positive  I am always so glad to hear you getting some of these experiences, it is amazing what working with and allowing our inner children space does. Cheering you on as you get doses of this rebellion and crush stuff

[Deep Blue]

Glad to hear you doing so well.  I'm immensely happy for you darling 

I want to say more but I'm still not there yet.  Maybe later

[Ellis]

Sounds like you're having some genuine carefree fun there with that crush stuff, San! It must feel liberating to be doing something a little different like that.
Glad to see you're looking forward to things.

Regards,
Ellis.