ch. 5 -- looking forward

sanmagic7 · December 03, 2018, 05:49:43 PM

thank you, wb, for that support. i loved it.

yeah, she left this morning, and i broke down and sobbed for about 10 min. just thinking about him and his lecherous thoughts, i can't stand the idea that she'll be in the same room with him. i swear, if he thinks anything untoward about her, he will be cursed.

i couldn't help it - thinking of him giving her a hug, all the hate came spewing forth. try as i might not to hate, it's something i can't stop. i know it's un-christian (if that's the bar for being a good person), but it's there and i can't help it. maybe it'll fade someday, but it sure came roaring back this morning.

refraining from saying anything to her was me holding it in. i so much wanted to say something to her about covering up as much as possible when she's with him, any icky feelings she might get from him, to be careful,

but i didn't. i guess it was too strong for me to hold in, tho, after she left.

so, the neighbors know i'm home alone, i've got phone numbers for them, and i'll take i.d. (for you, el) when i go for a walk. it'll be a long week, and it might be 10 days if she decides to take the bus home. plus, there's weather to contend with there, and i hope that doesn't interfere with anything for her traveling.

ugh, i just want to curl up in a ball all week, let it pass, then get my life back. i'm scared. well, that just came out. i'm in the safest place i've ever been, and this is the place where, on my own, i feel frightened. don't know what of. this fear thing was never there before, and i've driven to and from mex. on my own (2300 mi. one way) several times, never once felt fear. getting some of these emotions back, i don't like this one.

so,

- yeah, that's how i feel. i'll get thru it, i know. i know you're all with me and that'll help. i hope my nervous system holds up. guck! this is not a fun feeling.

Elphanigh · December 03, 2018, 06:33:29 PM

Sending tons of love and support.

I am grateful you carry i.d. with you (thank you for remembering). I think the fear is healthy but don't let it over take you. You have a strong support system, and lots of skills. My normal reaction would be to check in with little san and see if she is fearful (that is normally what it is for me).

Lots of love always,
Elpha

Hope67 · December 03, 2018, 07:43:54 PM

Hi SanMagic, I would also like to send you a supportive hug

I know you feel some fear about being alone, but I hope you know that we're at your side - thinking of you and wishing you warmth, comfort and support -

Hope

Deep Blue · December 03, 2018, 10:07:50 PM

Thinking of you! We are here for you while she's gone sweetie.

sanmagic7 · December 04, 2018, 04:54:19 AM

el, thank you. i looked, it seems like this is older, sicker, more easily overwhelmed, soft-boned me. younger me wasn't afraid, didn't feel fear, really. now, tho, i'm more aware of my failing capabilities, the potential for real damage if i fell or got hurt, how my mind doesn't absorb much before it shuts down. my d has been taking care of all that for me, running interference when i've had to see a doc, settling things, setting stuff straight when i can't think clearly anymore.

that's the me that feels afraid. some of it might be catastrophizing, but some of it is just not being able to deal with input the way i used to. failing memory. too much info and my mind clamps shut. i hope that i won't meet a situation like that while she's gone. it all happened so fast, too. not enough time to prepare. i'm older now and the world looks different than it did before.

time was when i relished being all alone, especially driving. that's taken away from me. it's all changed now. but i know you're with me, i can feel that.

hope and db, i feel both of you as well, and thank you for your support. i know most everyone here wishes me well, and is with me. and i do appreciate that, will keep focusing on that. it just feels weird to feel fear like this. that's frightening in itself. i'm still not used to it, don't know what life would've been like if i'd always known it.

the first time i remember feeling fear on a very conscious level, huge fear, it stopped me from driving to mex., a trip i'd made solo several times and had never felt afraid of. it didn't go away for 3 mos., which was when i moved there. i'd started driving down there with my d to scope out places to live. i'd already quit my job, burned all my bridges, and was ready to go.

she freaked halfway there, and we had to turn back. no problem, i was just gonna drop her off at home, go to my place, get a good night's sleep, and drive back down the next day. but when i got to my apt., sat down, i was overwhelmed by fear, and i knew that i wasn't driving anywhere the next day. i decided to respect it, mainly cuz it was so unusual, instead of just pushing thru it.

but that wasn't a younger me feeling afraid, either. it was just me. so, i believe this is just me, too. older, sicker, all that crapola that has worn me down for all these years. don't know if this is making any sense, or if it seems like i'm trying to dodge some reality that someone else sees and i don't. that could be true, too. i don't know.

i do know that i'll get thru this, one way or another. i feel more strength as i wrote that. whatever it takes, i'll be ok till she comes back. i don't have to like it, tho. and i sure as * don't like feeling like this. hypervigilence, like i won't be able to sleep. yeah, chest tightening, that's fear. at least i can recognize it now.

so, this is quite a ramble, but it always helps me to write it out of me. deep breath.

TW ****** SEXUAL FANTASIZING ******* TW

light bulb. i'm also afraid of my ex and his thoughts toward my d. something i can't control. several times i wanted to warn her to keep herself covered up, to leave his place if she started feeling 'icky' when with him, but i didn't. just cuz he can't get it up anymore doesn't mean he's not going to see her and think 'sexy'. glurble in the back of my throat. makes me sick.

something else i can't control, something else i'm afraid of. 'nurse' fantasies. 'sponge bath' fantasies. whatever his mind might come up with. geez, i hate this. i hope he doesn't do any of that. if i were a witch, i'd curse him so that he couldn't do that anymore.

END TW

anyway, i'll make it. i know you're all pulling for me, and you've got all my gratitude. this just sucks. don't know that i can respond to anyone while this is going on. i'm pretty much focused on one step forward, one more day, make it to the end, then the next step, the next day, don't slip on cat yuck, don't trip getting out of the shower, careful, slow, easy does it, it will be over soon, stay mindful, watch where i'm putting my feet, slow, no hurry, small bites, chew well, and all that jazz.

breathe. just breathe.

Sceal · December 04, 2018, 08:25:07 AM

Having so much fear is...well it's frightful. It's exhausting, it's not great. I am sorry you have to feel it at such a degree as you're doing now, and over so many days. I hope that it will calm down bit by bit and you'll be able to breathe again.

Perhaps, when the fear is starting to become overwhelming, a thing that I do then, is to look around the room and say outloud the things I see " Seven blue pens, ornate wooden box, black smart phone, white electrical outlet, two windows, white curtains" etc. All the mundane things. It's to turn on your language center of your brain and reduce the activity in amygdala. It takes practice, but it helps.

sanmagic7 · December 04, 2018, 03:33:35 PM

thank you darling sceal. i just did that exercise, it is grounding. i appreciate that.

so, made it thru the night, the cat's still alive, the house is still standing. possible shower and walk to the post office today to mail a book for my d. a nap first. lots of youtube and netflix. that also helped yesterday.

one day down. thank you everyone. i imagined all of you standing around my bed last nite, a protective coating around me. that was good. i'll do it again tonite. am tired today. you're right, sceal, this stuff is exhausting.

Deep Blue · December 04, 2018, 05:01:27 PM

I don't blame you for being nervous about your d being with the ex. BUT!!!! From everything you have told me, she is a smart girl. She'll be ok.

We can't control what your ex is thinking or fantasizing about, but often our minds can try to work out every scenario. Try to ground when the thoughts come over you.

Squeeze an ice cube, pet the cat, write to us. It will be ok

sanmagic7 · December 05, 2018, 05:03:50 AM

thanks, db. i appreciate your care and concern- a lot.

i'm feeling better tonite. i think it was opening night/first day jitters that had me around the neck. she's there, she's safe, she's got a lot of friends there if she needs to get out.

i was able to walk today, do an errand, shower, eat, and tonite i feel much more like my regular self. weird how this stuff can grab hold in an instant. my anxiety is way down. i'll be ok.

thanks, everyone for your support. you were all with me last nite, protecting me, and it really helped. love to all.

Blueberry · December 05, 2018, 09:52:03 PM

that you're feeling stronger and less anxious tonight.

Sceal · December 05, 2018, 10:22:31 PM

It is good to hear you are feeling more like your self again! ❤️

sanmagic7 · December 05, 2018, 10:44:00 PM

thank you both, blueberry and sceal, i'm glad it only took about a day to normalize.

i've noticed that i'm doing a lot of stuff, like watching youtube and videos that i don't normally do since she's been gone. it feels like i have 'me' time, and it's not just 'mom' time. i think i'll have to look at that a bit more closely. putting my d first is one thing, but living for her in such a way is another. hmmm . . . gotta find a balance, methinks.

Hope67 · December 06, 2018, 07:50:01 PM

Hi SanMagic,
I'm glad you're enjoying some 'you' time - and your wish to find a good balance - that sounds really good.

Hope

sanmagic7 · December 06, 2018, 07:56:41 PM

thanks, hope. it sounds good to me, too, so maybe i'm onto something.

exhausted today. just the little bit extra of having to worry about the cat, clean litter and anything else has caught up with me today. also had to wash some of my d's things, do some extra critter spraying, hang up her clothes - my eyes are at half mast right now, and i've already taken a nap this morning.

happy that she's doing well, will get to spend time with her friends while she's there. she's tired as well, cleaning, laundry, running errands, washing dishes, and just caretaking in general. we're both going to be tired pups when she gets home, and i'm sure it will take a while to get back our energy.

in the meantime, altho i wanted to work on my book/workshop stuff, i'm returning to my original goals of making sure both me and the cat are alive when she gets home. that's enough for going on with. *yawn*

gonna rest on the porch, bringing some homemade gingerbread cookies that i magically conjured up for the season.

sanmagic7 · December 08, 2018, 03:34:33 PM

dang, worried about the critter problem again. we didn't get a chance to do all that we wanted before my d left, and she told me she found a new bite while she was traveling. i'm afraid the cat is licking and scratching more lately, too. didn't realize how much this was affecting me till i listened to handel's 'messiah' (i'm going to a church with my neighbor tomorrow to hear the locals sing it) by the mormon tabernacle choir (altho i heard they changed their name recently) and it was so beautiful and i burst into tears.

after all the crying was done, i realized how worried and scared i am about this critter problem rising up again. my d won't be back till wed. plus, just being responsible for her pet, who doesn't like to get picked up or petted. so, no joy there. ugh - i just feel like crap today. gonna cocoon it, sit on the porch, just rock and rest. been spending a lot of time there lately it seems. can't keep it together more than a couple days at a time.