ch. 5 -- looking forward

[sanmagic7]

hope, may i reassure you that i love hearing from you, never think you're overreaching in your responses.  you always have such heartfelt thoughts about things, and i appreciate you so very much.

deep blue, you never ramble on my journal - your insight and caring and nurturing do my heart good.  thank you for all that.  it means so much.

yesterday, i was in such pain - felt like i got run over by a mack truck (which is what the mr. does, coincidentally).  i believe that  many of these aches and pains are from his judo 'demo' where he put me on the ground.  my body, like my mind, takes awhile to process what's happening, but the pain has been building over the past week.  one more reason to be angry with him, one more reason to be glad it's over.

so, i'm still going to take it easy for another few days, using the wonderful world of chemistry to just help the pain and to knock me out so i'm sleeping a lot, or just not functioning for awhile.  don't know when i'll be back here - i've got to go to ground like a wounded animal for a bit.  love you all.

[Three Roses]

❤️

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3r - you're well wishes, love and hugs are always appreciated.

feeling a bit better today.  going to ground was very helpful for me.  sometimes i have to induce relaxation in my mind in order to help my body relax.  i've done this before and it's worked well then, too.  relax the mind, sleep a lot, move slowly, advil, and the pain seems to settle down, isn't quite as sharp. 

also realized that this pain is probably mostly from when i went down, which raised more anger at the mr. for being rather irresponsible with my safety.  so glad our big ottoman was there to break my fall or i don't know that i wouldn't have ended up in the hospital with broken bones.  grrrrrr!  along with that anger came relief that it's over with him, and i don't have to fret about that relationship anymore.  it was way more stressful than i wanted to admit.  ugh!

so, looking forward once again.  i cut my hair - it's what women do so often when they're making a big change in/for their lives.  just finished reading 'the princess bride' - loved it, loved the movie maybe more.  i'm concentrating on getting more classics under my belt.  looking forward to 'to kill a mockingbird' and 'of human bondage'.  seen the first movie, loved it.  don't know anything about the second.

it's so nice to have the library close by.  i lived in it when i was younger, missed it horribly in mex.  it's a calming place for me, soothing.  just love the atmosphere, love having a book in my hand.

i'm working on my food group stuff today.  gotta send out brochure info to one person who's interested (the group will run in jan. if i get enough people).  also making a workbook, and have the program written down that i want to re-do, get it set up to offer to group members, and even going to set up a website - my first venture into the world of social media.  yikes!  it would be nice to have this fly, bring in some money to add to the coffers, maybe be able to buy a washer and dryer.  i kinda feel like we're a little bit pioneer women right now.  but, we're doing ok.

so, i've got stuff to look forward to, and i'm enjoying that.  especially since i feel better today.  that pain thing makes all the difference.  saps my energy and wears me out.  but, moving forward.  it feels good.

[Elphanigh]

My dear, I wish I had more time to respond but know I am always with you.  It is great to hear you are feeling better.


As someone that loves the classics I have lots of suggetions if you want them. "To Kill a Mockingbird" is one of my all time favorites and I have written several literary analyses of it. I will be excited to see what you think   

Love you always 

[Deep Blue]

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better.

The princess bride is one of my favorites! I dislike buttercup's character cuz I think she is a bit of a helpless female, but the dialogue is excellent in it. Hmmm classics? I liked the Great Gatsby at one point. 

I'm glad you have parted ways with the Mr.  I think you got a little fun and then he was bad news after that.  I'm irritated still that he threw you down like that.  Grrrrrr yep, still makes me mad.

I wish I could come to your group in person.  But you know I'm signing up and sitting there in spirit right? 
Much love sweetie

[Sceal]

I haven't had the energy to read through your new thread yet.
but I just wanted to pop by and offer you a hug  and also to celebrate your new haircut. I hope you feel refreshed. I usually do when I get my hair changed.

[sanmagic7]

hi, my dear el, i know you're visiting.  just enjoy.  and, yep, when you get back, i'd love to hear your options for books to read.  i just got 'to kill a mockingbird', will start it today.  i loved the movie, love the story, but there's always something about reading the original.  thank you.

db, you know, i had to chuckle.  i read 'great gatsby' in high school, could not enjoy it at all.  i didn't get it.  i also saw most of the movie a few years ago, same thing.  but thanks for the suggestion.  any others are welcome.

sceal, i know you're going thru a rough patch, but i surely do appreciate the hug.  thank you, sweetie.  and, yeah, i'm enjoying my hair.  it's short and sassy.

last nite, watching buffy with my d (we've got a regular thing going now, alternating between 'angel' and 'buffy' - it's come to that time in their series ) and a really sad part happened, we were both sniffling.  suddenly, i just let myself go, started sobbing.  i think you mentioned, db, that i probably needed to cry.  you were right.

my d knows.  she's very patient and nurturing with me.  i told her that i have so many tears i never got a chance to cry in past years, so i use these times to just have at it, sob my little heart out.  i really haven't cried for most of my relationships/marriages that have been broken, so those tears are still stored up.  this gave me a chance to let some of them loose.

today i feel ok, but still a bit in the after effects of the sadness.  and anger.  i yelled out 'batards' with a fist in the air last nite, too, and that felt good.  (well, the real swear word, not the one i use here to get past the censors).  i think there's still so much inside that i just can't access.  at least letting these bits and pieces out helps.  it's something.

so, kind of a sloppy day today.  just feeling sloppy inside, loose, not put together.  nothing much going on today at home, tho, so it's ok.  a day to wallow.

[Elphanigh]

San, I will love to chat books with you. The reading of the book is even better than the movie I love getting to visit here, also to hear you and your D watch Buffy! It is great.

Love you always 

[sanmagic7]

more tears tonite, more sobbing.  i'm spent.  too many broken souls i've taken under my wing.  intelligent and stimulating, yes, i need the challenge, but no more of the broken ones.  my d and i spoke of the tolerance, patience, understanding of their brokenness, and how we tried so hard, giving all we had, to help them find the way to happy, but it never worked, and we ended up staying too long while they, well they left.

can i please finally learn from all this?

[Deep Blue]

 
I'm with you.  I'm so so with you

[Three Roses]

Count me there, too 

[Sceal]

 

[sanmagic7]

db, 3roses, and sceal, your warmth touched me.  thank you so much for being there.  this has been a difficult time right now - so many things (too many) coming to the surface at once.  part of this stuff also includes my ex, my d's father, who she doesn't want to hear about what a rotten man he was, so i also have to trip lightly when i speak of these things.  it's a tightrope i have to traverse with her.

she knows some of the stuff, but only generally.  she doesn't want to hear the specifics.  she's told me she's set up boundaries with him, wants to keep a relationship with him, and there's nothing to do about that.  i have to trust that she's set up everything to keep herself safe from him.

anyway, i'm spent.  back to the porch.  been spending a lot of time there.  need some laughs tonite.  gut laughs.

thank you all again (el, and others, i know you're here with me, too.)

[Elphanigh]

Glad you know I am here  I left some treats on the porch this morning. Some of my favorites, macarons, coffee, lemon poppy seed bread, and of course some pumpkin rolls. Feel free to enjoy them while you are there

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Just popping by and sending you a warm and loving hug, and couldn't help noticing all these lovely treats from Elpha too - glad I came by.  I know you're facing some tough stuff, so wishing you the best - take care.
Hope