ch. 5 -- looking forward

[Three Roses]

I'll be with you today on the porch. I could use some quiet company and a cup of cinnamon-apple tea. I'll build a fire for warmth, the crackling sound of a fire is soothing to me. Maybe some soft acoustic guitar tunes, too.

[Sceal]

Critters are no fun.   I hope they won't resurface and that you'll be left in peace from those pesky creatures.

[Blueberry]

    I can empathise with not being able to keep it together for more than a few days at a time.

The cat-critter problem sounds as if it's affecting you psychologically (and physical energy-wise) the way the mice get to me. So big empathy there too.

[sanmagic7]

3r, crackling fire and guitar - perfect.  i'm there.

thanks, sceal, for your support.  they really are no fun.

bb, yeah, you're right.  they are taking a toll psychologically.  never thought of that.  ugh!

on top of this, i spoke w/ my d today.  her F mucked it up for her, that sob.  altho she's been nc w/ her sis (d1) for 3 yrs., and he knows it, ever since this whole thing with making her trek halfway across the country on a moment's notice, and even before she left he'd already tried to sabotage her nc w/ her sis.

it happened again w/in the first 2 days she was there, asking her if she'd be ok if d1 came over to visit - my d2 gave a resounding 'NO!'.  it's not like he doesn't know this has been happening, he's just that much of a, well, how npd's/misogynist mix is - getting women to jump thru hoops that they're uncomfy with, while he sits back and plays the innocent.

d2 excused it w/ 'he's on pain meds, so he's not thinking straight'.  yeah, well, he's not been on pain meds all the time i've been dealing with him, so i'm not buying it.  he's so passive aggressive when it comes to women it's pathetic and now that i know, it's infuriating as well that he's making my darling d jump thru those hoops.

so last nite, he finally managed to pull the sabotage off, got ncd1 in contact with dd2.  dd2 told me that it was a miscommunication on his part, again, cuz of the pain meds.   i'm so upset, i've been cursing and pounding my bed pretending it's his face.  everything else had already thrown me out of the ring, but this bit just stomped on me with hobnail boots.

dd2 told me that in one way she's glad it happened, cuz it reaffirmed how out of touch with reality her sis is, and that there is no hope now.  she's been hanging onto a 'maybe, with time, we'll be able to work this out' kind of thing.  so, i'm glad that's finally settled for her.  but i just hate the fact that he's put her thru this 3x in a week, even when he knows she's been nc all these years!!!!!!!!

i'm beside myself - all the triggers have been pushed regarding both of them, but especially him.  so slimy as he watches it play out between the women in his life.  d1 did tell dd2 that her father creeps her out, which is why, i guess, he moved out of the house after she moved back in.

dang, i can't believe how messy, how horrible i feel.  i can't make her see that he sets this stuff up and she makes excuses for him.  she doesn't want to see it - she's told me in the past that she doesn't want to hear from me what a bad person he is, so my hands are tied.  he's probably also getting off that she dropped everything here, interrupted her work, to run to his side.

thank you, god, that this is almost over.  she's leaving there tomorrow at midnite.  i can't say enough bad about him, just had to let it out here.  i'm so down right now, just barely putting one foot in front of the other.  i've already relied on meds this morning to help me calm down, but i'm thinking of another dose. 

and, the ceiling in my bedroom has begun not only popping out little perfectly round 'plugs', that have hit me in the head on occasion, but there's not a line of mold crawling across the juncture of the wall behind me and the ceiling.  that will have to get fixed, but not by the guy who came here last time who came on very strongly and creepily to me.  my d suggested she put in a work order, but i told her i didn't want that guy here if i'm home alone.  at least if she's here, i can hide in another room.

i'm all fishimmelled.  my head is spinning, i'm on the verge of tears.  i'm trying to keep it together, but it's tougher as time goes on.  and the cat's spitting up hairballs, and not always using her litter.  i'm hating all of this right now.  just had to vent, get this out, altho it's not helping as much as usual.  i'm full to bursting at this moment.  give me strength - she won't be home till wed. nite.  i just need to hang on that long.

[Deep Blue]

I'm holding out my hand for you sweetie.  I'll sit with you and comfort you.  You don't need to talk or anything, just know that I'm there. 

[Three Roses]

Hang on, sweetie! Sending love and hugs full of compassion and relief! 💐🍀🥀🏵️🌷

[Sceal]

So awful!  No words. But I'm here, offering hugs and support

[Wattlebird]

I'm sorry San for your problems atm, hopefully your d will get to the truth herself, how very frustrating. I'm here with you with all my moral support.
Punch that bed 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, everyone.  you all helped.  a bit better today - just feel like my insides have been scooped out.  she's leaving there tonite at midnite.  thank you, god. 

i hate how this brings up so much hate for him in an instant!  i'm not normally a hating person, but this rings my bell immediately.  i push thoughts about him away when they crop up, but stuff like this just smacks me in the face with it - i run away, but it follows me.

i've decided that if he dies before me, i know my d will want to go to the funeral, and i'd go with her as interference for her sis.  if i'm invited up to the podium to speak, i'd say 'i've heard that if you can't say something nice about someone, not to say anything at all', then i'd go back to my seat without saying another word.

they all think they know him, poor guy, his wife left him, he's all alone,    - they, none of them, and i'd be willing to bet that includes all his t's that he's had, his closest friends in his support group that he's been with for more than 20 yrs., none of them has he admitted to what he's done, what he's like.  and i have to deal with that.

my d doesn't want to know - she told me this week that she feels safe with him, even as he was sabotaging her nc with her sister - 'he's on pain pills, so he wasn't thinking right', 'he made a miscommunication cuz he's on pain pills' - she found excuses for him all week.  he didn't even clean his apt. before he went into the hospital - she had to do the whole thing, including his laundry twice.  it's just not right.

she's taking a bus back, 2 days, just so she can decompress, do some work, have some time to herself to rest and sleep.  she's exhausted, has had to sleep in a chair all week.  i'm so mad i can't see straight.  my poor baby - and she doesn't want to know about it, so she'll go to her dying day thinking he's a really good guy, some flaws, had problems in his marriage with me, and that's it.  she doesn't want to wreck that picture for herself.

probably too much for her, i know - i've got to look at her like at anyone else with c-ptsd (which she won't admit to, either - just anxiety) and let her be unless she asks me.  altho, now that i think about it, even when she's asked me for an opinion in the past, i've always asked her 'do you really want to know?', and she's always backed down.  she does not want to know the truth.

so, i have to carry this load, push it aside as best i can.  dang, i wish i had a t at times like this.  you all are my therapeutic support group, and i'm not taking anything away from that.  i just wish i had some professional guidance, actual therapy to help me with this stuff.  i'm just struggling right now.  i'll get better. 

[Blueberry]

   

I'd be beside myself with disgust and anger, about your ex-h as well.

Standing with you in rage, knowing there's an abusive person around that other people excuse for some reason or other.  May I add   for you?

[sanmagic7]

my darling blueberry, you brought tears of solidarity to my eyes.  what a warm rush that was.  thank you so much.  really.  it meant the world to me.

she's boarding the bus out of there as we speak.  thank you, god.  i hope something like this never happens again.  i've had to do xanax the past 2 days just to get thru.  i'll be better tomorrow now that i know she doesn't have to interact with him anymore - at least this time around.

god bless it, this was way more horrible than i thought.  i know the whole thing about letting people live rent-free in your head, all that stuff, but i still couldn't stop it.  this is the worst part of c-ptsd for me - not being able to make it go away when i've had enough.  not being able to turn it off.  i wish i could always remember 'a beautiful mind' and how he was able to talk them out of his head.  it helps, i know, but i too often forget.

so, deep breath.  i'm as strong as i know how to be, yet this kind of thing wilts me like a rose under a hair dryer.  dang.  there has been nothing else in my life that has affected me like this, maybe cuz it's happened to my d's instead of me.  funny how that works.

[Wattlebird]

I feel for u San, it's terrible to see your children suffer and not be able to fix it, or even discuss it 
She is on her way home 
You got thru, well done. 

[Deep Blue]

I agree with wattlebird 

[sanmagic7]

thank you wb and db - i am feeling so much better today, it's like day and nite.  did all kinds of errands, chores, cooking this morning - slept well, feel rested, therefore lots of energy.  it's great to feel like this rather than the other.  so glad this weekend is done, she's on her way home, and i know she'll be wasted when she gets here, so i'm doing all i can to leave as little as possible for her.  she can just relax for a few days (except maybe for her work - she's missed out on a week of that, which sets her back).

all in all, you've, all of you, have helped me so much to get thru this and out the other side.  it's much brighter here, even tho it's raining.  i love this rain, tho - so very soft.  it's beautiful after all those years in the desert.

anyway, thank you thank you thank you.  lots of love and gratitude to everyone.

[sanmagic7]

my d's coming home tonite.  we've got a storm brewing and a restless wind, which also makes me uneasy.  i'm going to stay in, get her stuff in order as much as possible so she can just come home and relax a little.  it was brutal for her while she was gone, and she's a wreck.

dealing w/ her sister, well, it turned out that she was able to close that door.  i just need to mention one more time that, as much as she wants to blame her sis for all that crap, i know it was her father that 'was on pain meds, so it was a miscommunication' set it up for it to happen.

he did that kind of thing so many times with me, i can see it clearly as daytime.  i think it's easier for my d to blame her sis, tho, than to see any culpability pertaining to him.  being a misogynist, i think he gets some kind of satisfaction from putting these little scenarios into play, and watching the strong women in his life 'duke it out' so to speak.  both the women are uncomfy with the situation, and he likes that. 

ok, i think maybe i've beaten that horse to death, but it just wanted to come out one more time.  he's admitted to me that he's a 'great liar', and i've seen it on more than one occasion.  he's also been a master manipulator, especially in a house full of women.  o, this came up again cuz she told me several times yesterday about the 'shootout' with her sis, putting all the blame there, while every time i heard it, i could see him in the background, pulling the strings on his little female puppets.

so, yeah, it's come up several times in the past couple of days as she's told me about telling her friends about the incident with her sis.  that's why this felt so important to write about, get it out of me again!  it's been pushed in my face several times all over again, 3 or 4 times, actually, and all i can see is him behind this scene.  i'm not taking away anything from what ncD said - that's a given.  but he has been excused by me d for his part in it and it rumbles my innards.

so, one more time.  dear lord, i hope i don't have to go thru this again, altho as long as she doesn't want to see her F for what he is, no doubt i will.  it's just a burden i have to carry, but at least i can scatter some of it about here.  deep breath.  it feels better.