ch. 5 -- looking forward

[sanmagic7]

back atcha, sceal.  you've become an absolutely valuable part of my life.

got a cold, so i'm gonna lay low.  i so hate being sick - cannot just get a nice routine going, something continually smacks me down, and then it's hard work to get back to sea level.  blecccch!

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Sorry to hear you've got a cold - I hope you keep warm and hydrated, and I hope it will go very soon, but in the meantime - wishing you honey and lemon and any things that will soothe your throat, and ease your nasal passages, and sending you a comforting hug 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, hope.     the feeling miserable part only lasted a day, but now i think it's gone into my ear.  i'm doing what i can to flush it out so it doesn't get infected - h2o2 a couple times a day.  still sniffling a bit, a little bit of congestion.  at least it's not going into my lungs like in the past.  lots of protection there.

we did some decorating yesterday and today - someone else mentioned about starting new traditions for the holidays.  i can't keep track of how many 'new' traditions i've begun over the decades.  foo, 3 hubs, single, mexico, kids/no kids, and now a whole different dynamic, new and diff. house (never had a fireplace before).  it's been fun, tho.  i don't really miss anything from my past anymore - it's been so long, my folks have been dead for years, haven't seen my bro or sis in ages.  don't miss them, either.  it's all good.

still battling the critters, but at least a little routine about that, too.  i'm waging war.  this whole thing has wigged my d out, so i've pretty much taken over.  she's still exhausted from her trip, still has her own work to do, so she's plenty busy and tired out.  slowly, she'll come around.  it was brutal for her.

i may have a counseling client (can't do therapy anymore, but counseling/coaching is ok) with the month.  that would be nice, bring a few extra $$$ in.  probably just a one-shot deal, but that's enough to keep my flag in the ring.  an adolescent girl, too, the population i absolutely love.  we'll see. 

in the meantime, just day by day.  that's enough. 

[sanmagic7]

crashed today after 2 days of vacuuming and spraying.  my cold is still around.  i'm just wiped out.  off to the porch with hope's lemon and honey.

[Deep Blue]

Sorry to hear this.  I hate vacuuming! I'd rather clean the bathroom than vacuum. 

Love ya and hope you take time to rest and take care of yourself today darling

[Elphanigh]

Hi San, I hope your cold is starting to calm down and not go too much into your ears. The counseling client sounds really exciting, even if it is just a one shot. I know your love for that age and population

I am sure your daughter will slowly recover from that trip, it sounds like it took a great deal out of her but she sounds resilient like you.   

Sending lots of love and hugs always my dear 

[Blueberry]

san, I've just seen about your cold now. Today you've been busy responding to other people's posts including mine so here    for you too. I hope your cold clears up fast.

[sanmagic7]

db, el, and bb - thank you so much for your support and well wishes.  the cold is still hanging on, especially in my ear, but i am feeling better.  it's very slow going, tho.  again, it's taking at least 2 wks. to get over this.  such is life.  but, i appreciate all those beautiful hugs - they bring a smile to my heart.

i watched 2 very profound 'buffy' episodes last night - all about psychological mind games being played on people, and how that can make them think, believe, and do things that they wouldn't normally do, and it got me thinking about people  here, and some of our recent conversations.  it blew my hair back when i realized how related those episodes were to what so many of us experience.

it was nearly crazy--making to watch this happen - i threw my hands up to either side of my face and groaned at one point.  it made the entire debate about 'fault' so very clear. 

in short, there's an evil entity that is mucking around with the main characters' minds, and because of the mental manipulation going on, these people began believing things that weren't true (about themselves and others), thinking in twisted ways, not remembering some of the terrible things they'd done, and doing terrible things that they ordinarily wouldn't do, were often working hard not to do terrible things anymore.

it was so familiar, in a split second, people on this forum/cptsd-related symptoms came to mind like a giant bird swooping down and planting a realization on my head.  the characters were a varied bunch - some of them more vulnerable than others - and the effects of this manipulation showed differently according to their vulnerability.

2 of the characters were very strong and adult, one was a teen, and one was a man who is in the beginning stages of recovery (always a vulnerable time).  the 2 adults were able to see what was happening more quickly, altho they had succumbed to the manipulation for a while.  the teen ended up being very confused, not sure what was going on, but very fearful and anxious, afraid to trust and convinced of betrayal.  the man, who was the most vulnerable of the bunch, ended up curled up in a corner, wracked with shame and guilt for what he'd done. 

the adults were quick to realize that they had all been manipulated psychologically, were not acting from their normal set of standards, morals, principles, etc., and were quick to see that these actions, etc., were not the 'fault' of any of the people so affected.  what each of them had done was only because their minds had been corrupted by the big evil thing.  in essence, they had not been thinking with their 'correct' minds, and their actions portrayed how out of kilter their minds had become.

to me,  then, it seemed that when we are able to reach an adult level of being/perceiving, we can see the picture of what has happened to us clear and whole, and we are then able to forgive ourselves because we can understand the source of our past ways of thinking and acting, and put the blame/fault where it belongs - on the evil. 

that teen part of us is what remains confused and anxious, not knowing what to believe, not trusting what we heard or saw.  this part doesn't have the strength or knowledge yet to see past those words in our heads that haunt us from our past. 

the vulnerable man reminded me of how we are as children - when we are at our most vulnerable.  those mind games take a bigger toll on us as kids because we don't have the adult logic and experience yet to put the blame where it belongs.  he was the only one who was being beaten down in his mind by what he'd done, ashamed and guilty because he'd been working so hard not to do wrong anymore, and finding himself back to doing what he'd hated . 

it brought it back home to me how very evil those mind manipulations that we've undergone as children and adults - some of them more insidious than others - at a time when our minds are most easily manipulated into believing what others want us to believe.  we carry those beliefs with us, and carry all the blame because we're not able to see it any other way.  at least, not until we heal enough to know a different truth.  my ex came to mind big time.

i'm not trying to make a blanket statement about everyone - i know we're all individuals and our damage levels are different, and from different sources in different ways.  as a whole, tho, and i've felt it myself, the shame and guilt that too many of us carry doesn't really belong to us - we've been carrying it for others who have laid it on us, who have manipulated our minds into believing it's all our faults.

ok, don't know if i've made any sense to anyone else, but it became clear in my mind.  a light bulb moment for me.  and i felt such empathy for those fictional characters (the acting was incredible) and what they were going thru.  it will be interesting to see how the teen and the vulnerable man are able to work their way thru what they're still believing to be true.  watching this felt like some great therapy for me. 

it was very bothersome last nite - couldn't go to sleep for hours - but writing about it today has a cleansing feel about it.  more peace and calm for my soul.  feels good.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks for sharing this San,
It rings very true to me

You said:
that teen part of us is what remains confused and anxious, not knowing what to believe, not trusting what we heard or saw.  this part doesn't have the strength or knowledge yet to see past those words in our heads that haunt us from our past.

So true! 

[Wattlebird]

I agree with db it rings true to me as well, is this mind manipulation that common? I'm becoming more and more aware of my h doing this as well as my foo. But I'm starting to challenge those beliefs 
How annoying I think those episodes may have triggered me right off it makes my stomach turn to read about it. Though excellent reflecting, I was reflecting on Harry Potter haha I know, but the baddy Voldemort splits himself into parts like dissociation, one of the parts is his teenage self, he can split himself thru murder and can only heal with remorse. A very neat parallel to dissociation, or maybe I read hp too much 

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you got some validation, db - i'm really glad for that.  i think i stayed in that teen phase well into my 60's, to tell he truth.  anxious and confused - it's been nearly a lifetime of that.  very glad to be a bit past that, on some levels.  i believe it's why i scrambled so much in my relationships, as a mom, as a person, and what caused me to pick the neg. people i've had in my life, stay with them, and try to make the insane, sane.  it never worked.

wb, actually, i think anytime someone tells us something that makes us doubt ourselves (not in a good way, not in a way that helps us grow and learn), it is a form of mind manipulation.  my opinion, only.  so many of those expectations to be perfect, to figure it out on my own, to not ask for help as it means i'm 'mental' or weak -  those, to me, were mind manipulations.  i first heard them in foo, which set me up to continue trying to prove myself in relationships when an adult.

i'm  a big fan of hp, too - i think you may have hit on something about voldy and dissociation.  good observation!  i know rowling has said that the dementors were symbols of her depression and how it made her feel.  i think she's got some great insights into the human animal in those books.

this buffy series is so much more complex and insightful than i ever thought from the title.  my d is buying me the boxed set, all 7 seasons, for a christmas gift.  i'm so jazzed.  as the creator, joss whedon has said, he's put in a lot of 'teachable' moments, and he's absolutely correct.  he's also used 'life' as the monster to battle with for an entire season.   i've never gotten so immersed in a set of characters and situations before, so much i could personally relate to, and i've seen a lot of tv in my time.  i'm now a diehard buffy fan, team spike.

so, i'll continue watching and re-watching - i keep getting insights all the time, lots of stuff to agree with, ponder on, discover, notice that something corresponds with my own life - dang, it really has been eye-opening.  good nite, all.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, It's lovely that your D is buying you those Buffy series box sets - maybe I should have a look at those, they sound interesting.  Great that you are getting lots of insights from them. 
Hope you sleep well.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, hope.  i did sleep well last nite.  i made sure that i did something neutral before bedtime to ease away from the emotional stuff.

i'm going thru a sort of quandary today.  it came up last nite, about some of the characters and their behaviors.  i just feel tangled up cuz the emotional thing is a slippery slope for me - can't quite navigate it, can't cut thru to make an absolute feeling about something, and i felt mocked when i was able to understand a behavior that my d thought was absolutely wrong. 

don't know yet what exactly i'm going to do.  i'm having a hard time putting this into words, like i'm stumbling over myself when i try to explain to her.  i'm sick of saying 'my brain doesn't work that way' or 'i've struggled with this kind of thing all my life' to her.  it's sounding like excuses to me, and i guess i just want to stop giving my opinion on these kinds of emotional things cuz i get so flustered and wobbly.

we'll see what happens.  i may just drop it, i don't know yet.

[Sceal]

I think it is wonderful that you have found a series that means so much to you. I don't think it is so important right now for you to find the right words to describe how you feel about certain characters and their story arch, I think the words will come later. Maybe right now it is enough that you feel a closeness to the series and see things and lessons and acknowledgement in it? It's okay if your D doesn't quite understand it's importance to you, she clearly sees that it is important to you. 
Just some thoughts on early Christmas morning. I originally came by to wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year!

[sanmagic7]

thank you sweet sceal, and a merry christmas and happy new year to you, too.

it was a great christmas for my d and i.  just the 2 of us, but we made it work.  i'll respond more later this week.  i went thru a therapeutic breakthru, and i want to share it.  it was very good.  too late tonite, tho.