ch. 5 -- looking forward

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, thanks for the english lesson.  actually, i'm always up for learning about words.  yeah, technically a vacuum is empty and i guess it will suck things into it cuz nature abhors a vacuum, or so i've heard.  therefore, a sucky vacuum cleaner, so to speak.  hahaha.   

db, glad you could get a laugh out of it.   

sceal,  since i don't actually have a hoover vacuum cleaner, and 'hoovering' means something altogether different on this forum, that's why i'd hesitate to use the term 'hoovering', but thanks for the suggestion.  you come up with some great ones, you know.  i appreciate them a lot.   

i think i relapsed on my cold cuz of the stress of the fleas and the extra bundle of money we've had to put down because of them.  so, my ear is still full, i'm still peroxiding it, and laying back as much as possible.  also taking a decongestant, which seems to help a little.  i just dread going to the doc, racking up more bills.  i still have some i'm paying off.  ugh - i hate this crapola.

talked w/ my d about the stories i've made up over the years - either to get me thru hard times or to try to make sense of things for myself.  i lived in a storybook version of life for a long time, or maybe a movie version.  it felt good, tho, to talk w/ her about it.  it cleared more gunk out between us, and i'm feeling pretty clean now w/ her because of it. 

so, going into a new year.  miracle of miracles that i've lasted this long, to tell the truth.  but, yeah, still alive and kicking.  my d's girlfriend is coming to visit next month, might move up here, possibly with us, when she finishes school.  that would be great, cuz it would ease the financial pressure.  i hate seeing my d worrying about money every month.

i think i'll lay back again today.  maybe walk to the store, i don't know.  i'm still feeling strong about myself, tho, so i'm glad of that.  i don't know what to think of the year coming up.  it feels blank, for some reason.  can't put a finger on anything, which is a little disconcerting.   most years i look forward to starting new and fresh, but i don't seem to have that feeling right now.  maybe it's cuz i want things to stay pretty much as they are.

i don't have a lot of ambition for anything.  i've got feelers out for workshops, but so far they haven't gone anywhere.  it doesn't matter to me much, either.  on one hand, extra money would be nice.  on the other, i don't exactly care for the stress it would entail to get myself back in front of people, teaching.  we'll see.

so, nuthin' much of anything here.  almost in a holding pattern.  feels like that. 

[Sceal]

Had no idea it was a term here on the site. I've grown up with learning british English rather than American (although it's sort of blending in now), and that word is used the same way as vacuum is. 

Happy to hear that you and your daughter is having such a close relationship, and that it is getting better and closer. It's good to have someone you can talk to about the things on the inside. 

Economic stress is awful, and it is such a shame that it is pushing on your health, both of yours. I hope that 2019 will be able to ease some of those worries as the year progresses.

Take all the rest you need, rest is important! 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, sweet sceal.  'hoovering' is a c-ptsd term that i've seen here describing how narcs often try to suck us back into their lives once we've begun to pull away from them.  but, yes, i've also heard of hoovering referring to vacuuming as well.

thanks for the well wishes for the new year.  right back atcha, sweetie.

[sanmagic7]

feeling slightly less crappy, but still out of commission.  i hate getting sick anymore cuz when i feel miserable, like last nite, i get scared that i won't be able to come back one more time, and thoughts of death hover.  that does not help.  at least today i don't feel them.  still . . .  it's a crummy way to feel.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
It's good to hear you're feeling a bit better today - and glad you managed to cope with those scary thoughts last night - and that they have gone again in the light of day - sending you a gentle hug 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Happy to hear you're feeling better. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks hope and 3r.

it may be that this cold is a 'thing'.  still under the weather, by the by.  but, a friend of my d's told her that she's been sick for 2 weeks with a cold - it seemed to be going away, then it suddenly got worse.  that's what happened to me.  it's hanging on, also.  the ear is still bothered, still on decongestant meds.  doing what i can, but it sucks.

[Wattlebird]

That sucks, just go away cold!!!!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie.  i'm still housebound, but i think i'm over the worst.  fingers crossed, anyway.  just gotta stay down, keep taking the meds. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Fingers crossed that you're over the worst.  Hope those meds help.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hope.  my fingers are crossed, too.  did the dishes this morning, now i'm pretty wiped out.  i'll rest for the remainder of the day.  one tiny step at a time. 

[Wattlebird]

Hope your winning the battle San, rest up take your meds and look after yourself. 

[sanmagic7]

well, i went for a short walk yesterday, it nearly did me in.  wrong decision.  so i'm feeling pretty punk today.  won't be around here much till i get all the way well. 

thanks, wb, and  back atcha. 

this sucks.  meds, food, and tv for me today.  signing out.

[Sceal]

Take care of yourself San, don't push it. Rest, breathe, rest, watch some Buffy, rest some more. Think only of yourself for a while, sounds like you need it. 

[Deep Blue]

I have not done much moving today, i just finished some tea and hope you are taking it easy too.  Luckily there is not much moving required to get a tattoo    keep taking care of yourself