ch. 5 -- looking forward

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
Also hoping you are feeling a bit better - take care of yourself and hopefully you'll be recovered very soon. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

sceal, db, hope - thank you all for the well wishes.  i love them, really.  today was a little better, but i don't trust it yet.  still laying low.

my d told me some stuff today that's really messing w/ my head, i'm sorry to say.  about her sis and her father, what they've said about me (sis) and what they've believed (father) about me.  she told me that she thinks her sis is the fault of our family breaking apart, because of the lies that sis has told. 

again, i wanted to say that while her sis has told lies, it was the lies, deceit, withholding, and choices that her father made that caused me to get out of his life, stop talking to him.   but, i didn't.  she doesn't want to know what a liar her father is.  i think it's easier for her to blame her sis for everything, cuz sis is very blatant.  he is much more cunning, shrewd, and manipulative - he does all his dirty work in the shadows, and only presents a clean picture to her 

poor 'dad'.   he's been so wronged - that's how he looks to her.  i nearly said something again tonite, but i remembered being encouraged by people here not to, so i didn't.  it just wants to come screaming out of me.  i'm so very upset, and i don't want to be.  i want to be able to take this crapola in my stride, and i hate that it affects me so much.  it just sucks!!!

wanted to get some of it out here, hoping it will help.  i don't know, but i'm glad i wrote.  i just don't need this in my life, especially when i'm not 100%.  any suggestions/opinions?  should i tell her that i don't want to hear about him anymore?  i hate doing that, too, cuz i don't want her feeling, once again, like she's in the middle.  should i just suck it up?  i'm in a quandary about it right now, but i know it's because all those old feelings against him got stirred up once more.

dang, i hate this.  phooey!

[Sceal]

I'm sorry that this is messing with her head and yours. It's an awful situation.

My suggestion is to tell your d that while you're sick and vulnerable you'd rather not talk about her father and her sister. That it gets to you, but that you also want to respect her and her wishes in this situation, and that you don't want her to feel like she is in the middle. And hopefully she'll understand that as things are with your health right now, she needs to talk to her friends about this situation not you.
Big hug to you!
I hope your healing goes better day by day and that you'll soon feel like you can be on your feet again! 

[Wattlebird]

hi San
Sorry about this crapola going on, especially while your sick. You could say "it upsets me when you blame sis, and I know it upsets you when I blame your f so maybe we should let it go, and agree to disagree. "
I dunno it's hard to be calm and reasonable when someone's triggering old feelings off.
Good luck San, look after yourself 

[sanmagic7]

sceal and wb - thank you very much for your thoughts and suggestions.  i still don't know exactly what i'll do, but you both have given me something to think about, and i appreciate that a lot.  i've calmed down a little from last nite - sometimes it just takes time to process this stuff thru.  i think that if she brings it up again, i'll use what you've given me. 

still under the weather.  i've heard of more instances where someone gets a cold/flu, thinks it's going away, then it comes back BLAM!  worse than the first time around.  can only be patient while it runs its course.  so, i'm still down for the count.  ugh.

[Deep Blue]

Sorry it took me a bit to respond about telling your daughter.  I still think you are doing the right thing by letting her make her own decisions about the ex. 

If you feel frustrated when she starts talking "poor him" I think it's ok to tell her that you don't want to put her in the middle but you are not comfortable enough to talk about it.  You may be some day, but that day doesn't have to be today.  I think that's fair... I really do.

Love ya!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, db.  good suggestion.

what ended up happening is that i didn't sleep well that nite, so the next day when i told her that, i said it was partly becuz of stuff we talked about.  that's all.  i kept it vague, and she didn't ask so i didn't volunteer more.  i appreciate the support you all gave me, and i kept your thoughts/suggestions in mind.

however, yesterday, she was talking about a friend whose hub has done her and the kids wrong, and she said that maybe it could go to the lawyers, have some stipulation about him having go to therapy in order to spend more time with the kids.  i said, well, that wouldn't necessarily prove anything - he could go to therapy, lie the whole time, but it looks like he's doing something good and right.

of course, i was talking about her F, cuz that's what's happened in his case (he told me that he lies to his t, so she never knew he was a misogynist.  he was bragging - 'i'm a very good liar').  our conversation didn't go any further, but i put the message out there w/o referring to my ex by name, and it fit in with the conversation about the friend's ex.  i'll leave it there.

still way under the weather.  can only treat the symptoms - some type of virus - and have to hope my own immune system takes care of it sooner rather than later.  gluck!

[Deep Blue]

Well played San! I think it was a valid point you made and it wasn't an outright attack on him.  It just came from your experiences.

Sorry you are still so sick.  Sending you some tea with honey and lemon.  Sending you a lavender scented warm blanket to help you rest.  Also sending you a protective bubble to protect you from sounds while you rest 

[Hope67]

HI SanMagic,
Sending you a gentle hug, and hoping you feel better soon.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

db, thanks for the validation.  much appreciated.

hope, hugs are always welcome.  thanks for the well wishes.

still under the weather.  ups and downs now.  it'll be at least another week.  i'm pretty much outta here, can't think too well.  i'll be back when i'm better.

[Wattlebird]

Hi San
Just sending some hugs and hoping your recovering. 
   

[Three Roses]

  💖

[sanmagic7]

wb and 3r, thank you so much.  still sick, getting frustrated, still staying away from here cuz i just don't have the energy.  hate this.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Hope you will feel better very soon.  Take care, 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, hope.   

still under the weather.  hope to hear from my doc today.  i've already left 3 messages for her.  antibiotics aren't helping.  felt horrible the last 2 days, a little better than that today.  this is both frustrating and annoying now.  ugh and a half.