ch. 5 -- looking forward

[Blueberry]

Ow San
Don't be down on yourself for needing time and space, you can't help others if you don't look after yourself, I'm glad you're feeling better today, 
I miss you here but totally understand and want you to feel 100% 
   

Also the amount we use the forum and/or participate in other mbrs' lives (via responses) will quite likely vary from year to year or month to month depending on our own circumstances and that is quite OK Take care, san! Look after you, not us! You've given so much on this forum already, for so long. 

[Sceal]

Your health and your own life comes before any others, don't forget that. I suspect you do at times.

You say the people here on the forum has helped you so much you feel guilty for not being able to be around as much, I just want to take a moment to tell you that you have helped me and so many others here too. And I bet we are all wanting you to get better, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually - and if you not using the forum as much or at all will help you get better... Then that is exactly what you should do.

You've supported me, comforted me and just sent me care and wellbeing. I will not forget what you have done for me, you are wonderful.

Biggest, warmest and most caring hug that I can give you 

[Wattlebird]

 
Well said sceal

[Elphanigh]

My dear, I agree with everything that has been said here. There is not reason to feel shame towards not being on here as much or as present. Your own healing and well being are far more important. You have done so much for all of us and we all love you even when you're not here. I am glad you are taking the time you need to spend energy on things there.

Re the np, I am so glad she was attentive and reassuring. They do, as you said, try to work themselves out of business like good therapist's. I hope to be that good of a healer, and have no doubt that you were and are.

Lots of love to you my dear sister. I am always here and thinking of you

[Hope67]

Sending you warm hugs and gentle balms, SanMagic.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you all for your caring and well wishes.  you are the best.

even with that, i'm frightened to write just now.  everyone, save one person, has been nothing but supportive, validating, and caring to me here.  my fright is irrational, i know.  still, it's there.

i think it's because i'm needy at the moment.  i had  a nightmare this morning, the culmination of 2 separate uncomfortable dreams the past 2 days.  the first was of holding pain, being in pain, writing with it's intensity, and not being able to relieve it in any way.

the second was of betrayal, deceit, lies, and cheating.  today was about slime people who, by touching someone, infect them as well.  i woke up after realizing i was infected, and there was no way out.

someone told me that slime meant lies and deceit, and that infecting others was about others being affected by the lies and deceit.  and my mind reeled - this was about my narc d.

the d i live with has been referring to her sis for the past 2 months as insane, as in the true meaning of the world - living outside of reality in her mind.  inflicted with insanity.  every time i heard this reference, i brushed it off - being a therapist, the term 'insane' is extremely harsh and final, and not used willy-nilly.  this morning, however, i suddenly understood that my beloved d is indeed, insane.

she is evil, a monster.  i've never used those terms for her before, not ever wanting to label my own d as such.  today i realized it's true.  she not only lies, deceives, betrays, manipulates, and cunningly plots and plans, she does so with the full intent to hurt someone.  my mind is shattered at the moment, the weight feels unbearable. 

i have been holding this pain for all this time, not being able to label it, recognize what and why i've been doing it, ever since i first noticed her gazing at me with a judgmental look in her eyes around the age of 4.  i have borne this pain, anguish, torture, all the while i have been held hostage by her, and she is now over 40.  there is now a hole in my heart that will never be filled by her.  this cannot be fixed.

i thank god for my other d, and i can't say enough wonderful things about her.  my pain and sorrow is for my firstborn, all the hopes and dreams i've had for the 2 of us that have been methodically ridiculed, diminished, demolished, and denied.  she has nearly killed me.  and still i would not, could not see her for what she truly is, has been, always will be.

no wonder i'm in pain every day, no wonder i have gallons of tears shed on a regular basis without exactly knowing why.  i have not been able to see her fully and whole until now.  i am broken today.  i'll gather myself together, but not today.  today is meds and food and sleep and mindless chair time.  right this minute, i hate her.  my own daughter.  i hate her for what she's done to all of us.  i'm so glad my d and i are out of her sphere, and so wearily sad that it has to be so.

[Three Roses]

My dear San, I have no words for you - only a gentle healing hug of support, altho it's across the miles it is truly heartfelt!

[Blueberry]

oh san, those are some heavy, painful realisations going on 
I hope posting about them brings you a little relief!
It's good to see you back here but I'm sorry about the reason.

[sanmagic7]

thank you 3r and blueberry.  tears of i don't know are springing to my eyes. 

xanax helped me go to sleep, give my mind and emotions a break for a few hours.  that was good.  my anxiety about writing here, i think i was afraid no one would respond.   that may sound stupid, and i don't have any logic for it.  anxiety doesn't need logic, i guess.

i still want to deny that she's insane, but i keep thinking of the legal term for insanity - not knowing the difference between right and wrong, so you don't hide what you've done, don't lie about it.  she's not legally insane.  she is of unsound mind, tho, and contributes to its unsoundness by the choices she continues to make.  she's been seeing therapists since she was 7. 

it's so sad, too.  she is beautiful, bright, talented, quick.  too smart for her own good, actually.  also cunning, manipulative, devious, deceitful, a bold liar, and malicious.  i hate this day. 

[Wattlebird]

Hey San
All my love is heading your way today
xo Wattlebird
 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, wb.  i appreciate it so.  back atcha.

i'm feeling a bit calmer tonite.  sometimes i amaze myself by the realizations i have, the processing i go thru, and being able to come out the other side a bit clearer and cleaner.  you all help me to do that, you know.  i doubt i'd be here without all the help and support i've gotten from you.  thank you from my heart.  you're all so amazing.

[sanmagic7]

slept well last nite - one dream about struggling to get away from the federales in mex., and trying to get 3 little kids to stop smoking.  don't know what that's about, but it wasn't really disturbing because in the end i was able to accomplish both. 

i'm feeling much better today - just a teemy bit wobbly, but i know that'll go away in a few days.  my d told me, when i was talking to her, that since we've moved here last july, she's noticed more pure joy/happiness from me, something that she's never really seen with me before.  i think this is working better than any medicine. 

[Three Roses]

  being near the ocean is healing

[sanmagic7]

it really is.  this morning i walked to the beach, watched some surfers.  i also got to see snow in the mountains.  this place in all its wonders has helped me so much.

thanks for the cheer, 3r.  you brought a smile to my heart.   

[sanmagic7]

another nightmare this morning, another struggle with a man who was relentless in trying to hurt others.  he just kept coming and coming.  i wonder if this is about my ex.  nearly every nite as i'm trying to fall asleep, thoughts about him creep in, and angry feelings get stirred up.  not a restful way to fall asleep.  i usually manage to chase those thoughts away, but i can't believe they keep coming back.

maybe i need to have a different kind of ritual for him, one that will put this to rest for me.  i've already done one of my funerals for him, but i have to find something that will help me to move him out of me and into the caretaking of something else.  i thought i'd turned him over to my guardian angel to deal with the forgiveness part, which i did, but either that didn't take, or it's something else i can't put my finger on.

if anyone's done something that has worked for this kind of thing, i'd love to hear it.  maybe some of this is cuz nearly every nite, no matter what show/movie i'm watching, there is always some relationship thing that triggers thoughts of him.  we were together 20 yrs, then spent another 15 as 'friends' while i was in mex.  that's a lot of time, has built up a lot of experiences, conversations, situations, etc. together.  maybe i won't be able to completely get rid of him, and i just need to accept that.

besides, my d still continues a relationship with him, and every so often he'll send her money for a gift, so she discloses that to me cuz of our finances being joint right now.  and, my mind immediately goes to - he keeps doing just enough to make himself look good, like he always has.  ooooh, i hate him.

wish i could cleanse myself of him.  never thought this would be so tough.