ch. 5 -- looking forward

[sanmagic7]

did something different today about all this 'ex' stuff, and right now it feels like something lifted.  don't know if it will stay, but it feels ok at the moment.

all this time i've been writing letters to and about him, sent an email, told the powers that be that i need help, to help me.  then i realized (love/hate realizations, but, in the end, they usually get me where i need to go) that i'd kind of been commanding them to help me rather than humbly asking for help.

so, i switched my tack, asked if i could please get some help with this cuz it's driving me crazy, that i'd do what was needed - except i knew i don't have the strength/energy for forgiveness, and mentioned that as well.  i *gulp* said, reluctantly, but something nudged me that this couldn't help me unless i gave some back, said that i'd be willing to go to neutral with him instead of nurturing this powerful hatred i've been carrying.

and it felt like something lifted, and it feels better.  don't know if this will last, but it's better right now.  i'll take it.   

[Three Roses]

Awesome!

[Sceal]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks 3r and sceal - it really does feel like something to celebrate.  i had some thoughts/dream snippets about him this morning (for the past week or so, i've been having my dreams just before i wake up), but nothing nasty.  when it threatened to possibly turn in that direction, i told it to go away, i don't want to play.

so far, so good.  as someone else said in their journal, i don't want to let him cause me to become bitter.  mean, nasty, nor hateful, either.  maybe it just took me this much time to finally get to a place where i could choose differently.  the main thing, i think, is that i finally got here. 

[Wattlebird]

Quote
the main thing, i think, is that i finally got here.

Agreed

[Elphanigh]

Hope you are still feeling that way, San  Sorry I haven't been able to come here sooner, but I am always with you. Also I might know who said that 

Lots of love to you always. I just wanted to stop by and say I was thinking of you

[sanmagic7]

wb, thank you for that.  it was a great validation.

el, yeah, you know.  and i know.

someone asked me about processing some of my trauma by writing about flashbacks.  after i thought about this for a bit, the answer was 'not really'.  i have written a lot about what happened, how i felt about it, what my sorrow is on having so little care and kindness in my life, but no one has mentioned writing specifically about flashbacks.

the reason, i can see, is that i've never had a t who has ever seen me as wounded and has never asked me to do anything that would go toward healing.  then it hit me that i've been doing all this healing stuff on my own, w/o any professional to guide me, look after me, think about me in that way. 

that's not to take anything away from this forum and the most wonderful people i've never met - this place, you people, have helped me more than i can ever express.  so much healing has taken place within me because of you.  however, i've not ever had proper guidance to help me process any of what i've been thru.

at this stage of my life, i don't know that i'll ever reach a degree of 'thriving'.  this is not neg. or defeated, but simply realistic.  by the time i even realized the kinds of issues i have, the trauma, the neg. experiences i've gone thru - it was less than 5 yrs. ago.  i lived over 65 yrs. of consistent trauma, beginning before i was born, without realizing or understanding any of it.  to think of writing flashbacks or neg. memories down - there's not enough paper and ink. 

to this day, i realize more about things in my life, the people, situations, relationships, and so very much of it was neg.  i have now lived in the most positive environment in my entire life with my d, and that's been for 8 mos.  while, this also goes a long way toward healing, and she's seen differences in me since we moved here, it'll never be enough time to sort thru stuff in the most efficient, healing way possible.

my last t was a little over a year ago, so it's not that i haven't kept giving it a shot.  she was worthless tho.  the last conversation i had with her, she told me that she was there to 'validate and support' me.  well, i have all of you who do a great job of doing that.  i needed therapy, and she never once took a step in that direction. 

so, i've pretty much given up on having a t in my life, altho i would love to have one.  can't afford one, and they usually don't take medicare.  what i realized this morning is that, altho i haven't written about flashbacks or experiences, except here, i have been doing the best i can by myself.  maybe i'll never get over crying every time i see a kindness done to someone, or a loving gesture (my d makes me cry at least once a month).  i'm grieving, maybe for the rest of my life.  it's the only rate i can go at.

i'm very sad about this just now.  one more instance of having to do it on my own, cuz those who were supposed to help me dropped the ball.  my d told me she's so glad i have this place, you people - she knows when i'm struggling cuz of her father, and i can't talk to her about that - and i told her the last time she said that, that you all have saved my life more than once.  i think i'm accepting that i can only go at the speed that's safe for me, cuz i have no safety net irl. 

i do have you, tho, and it's been the best.  i can't believe how much of my life is one memory after another after another after another of being treated badly.  8 mos. out of more than 71 yrs.  dang.  just had to get this out.  another huge realization.  think i'll take the rest of the day off.  love to you all.  you've shown me 4 yrs. of what it looks like to be treated kindly, with acceptance and honesty.  wow.  it's helped so much.  but, it's also no wonder to me now why i can't get past some of this stuff.  why it takes so long.  whew.

[sanmagic7]

whew - finally out of my slump.  hate when those happen, but glad to be able to get it out here.

[Three Roses]

 

[Wattlebird]

Those realisations can knock you round, i wish there weren't so many.
Hugs for San

[sanmagic7]

3r, and wb - thank you for the well wishes and validation.  they feel so very good.

and, today i found myself in a sobfest.  saw a commercial about women being demeaned, dismissed, etc., called crazy for showing emotions and being someone outside the traditional expectations of what a woman 'should' be.  well, i started sobbing, did so off and on the rest of the nite.

this becoming human crapola is so very painful.  the tears are toxic, and getting them out means that i'm getting out all the poison of being ridiculed, humiliated, called weird, flaky, 'i didn't know what to do with you', strange - whatever - that i've absorbed and tolerated all these years.  now that i'm re-attaching to my emotions somewhat, dang, it's so hard to stop tolerating, to admit that it's always hurt not to be accepted and treated respectfully.

i didn't know it hurt, brushed it away so fast that i never really felt it.  my muscles are testaments to the pain i've absorbed over the years.  letting it out is painful, too, but maybe my muscles will be able to feel even a miniscule of a bit better.  i was told that i have fibromyalgia, but i don't believe it.  i believe it's years and years of toxins that i didn't know how to process, so i just kept them inside.

i used to tell myself that i couldn't wait to get old so i would just be thought of as 'eccentric'.  seemed like eccentric people were accepted like that, were tolerated, we given leeway to just be who they were.  i wanted to be thought of as eccentric - it just seemed 'interesting' rather than the other stuff, not painful, but maybe a little whimsical.

i know from a young age i never wanted to be frumpy or boring, but i didn't know that not being such meant i'd be thought of as something that didn't belong.

goldurn it, i get sick of this roller coaster.  someone asked if this is worth it.  i know in my head it is, but some days it just doesn't feel too much like that. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
You're processing a lot of emotions there - be kind to yourself - I hope you don't mind my saying that - I just wanted to send you a hug of compassion and caring    Whatever you need to do, or however you are feeling, I hope that you are ok - and I wish you some comforting moments along the roller coaster - so you can get your breath and tolerate and cope with the ride.

Hope 

[Wattlebird]

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling, I'm sure the tears are healing your body and soul but pain is still so real it feels so destructive. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope - you are always so caring and kind, i never mind hearing what comes to you.  i love having you pass it along.  it gives me strength, and that's always so helpful.  so, thank you.

wb, you are always so validating.  i really appreciate that.  that pain is real, like you said, and a long time coming.  thank you.

**********  TW  **************

feeling pretty good today.  it seems that i've gone into another joss whedon series, 'firefly', and some of it is doing the same for me as his other shows i've watched lately.  more 'buffy' therapy.

one episode featured torture, and i let loose again, thinking of how i felt, being triple-teamed by narcs, how it truly felt like torture, even tho not of the physical type.  i couldn't watch it all in one sitting.  we finished it the next day, my d being very respectful of my discomfort, altho she didn't ask me precisely what was going on.  i think she suspected that some of it had to do with her father.


end TW  ***********


so, again, felt the pain that i hadn't felt at the time, and just sobbed thru it, as well as later, after she'd gone to bed.  at one point the characters were talking amongst themselves, said that their cap't had survived it.  my d echoed that.  it was very moving.  suddenly i heard my own voice, very low and quiet, unlike my regular voice, saying 'yeah, i survived it'.

with that, my emotions arose.  hate and anger for all 3 of them.  i hadn't hated my narc d before, cuz, after all, she was my daughter.  but, these emotions came of their own volition.  they were suddenly there.  and, i'd just been working so hard to get to neutral with my ex, eliminating the hate for him i'd been carrying, when it showed up, again.

it was good to get it out, and the next day i felt better, but man o man, so much emotion that hadn't been attached to these people before, so much pain - again.  the thought came to me that i think i'm more wounded than i ever believed.  and this thought has come to me several times in the past few years, but it seemed somehow deeper this time.  whew!

so, i'm writing, working to heal, letting that gunk out, continuing to, what, challenge? myself to let this stuff get to me instead of running from it.  putting myself in the line of fire, it feels like.  ooooh, there's a war analogy.  yeah, another battle in this war.  ok, tired now.

[Wattlebird]