ch. 5 -- looking forward

[sanmagic7]

  to you, wb.  thank you.

more 'firefly' therapy today.  too exhausted to write much, but something came out of my mouth that surprised me.  i said to my d, 'this is the first place i've ever lived that didn't feel crooked'. 

[Not Alone]

  Just wanted to send you a hug and support in the middle of all the pain you are feeling.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, notalone.  i appreciate that hug.  love your flower, too (old flower child here).

i'm feeling much better today, but the pain yesterday didn't seem like it was enough for the enormity of my tears.  maybe there's more, and i need another trigger to bring it out.  in the meantime, i'll sit with what i've gotten out.

in the episode we watched, a woman saw the man she was attracted to had been with another woman.  when she figured it out, she went to her room, wept while sitting all curled up on the floor.  it struck me that as many times as several of my men had cheated on me, i hadn't shed one tear, never felt any of the pain that would warrant those tears.

well, i wept last nite, felt the pain of it, but quite honestly, there were so many instances of that, i don't think i was allowed to feel all the pain connected to them.  i think i have more tears to shed, more pain to feel on this issue.  we're talking 2 husbands and my first love, and there were years and years of cheating among them.  i think my system stopped me before i got completely overwhelmed and went fetal or something.

but, feeling much better today.  it's been so good to get this crapola out of my system.  my d is very accepting of this stuff, and where we live now is magic.  i know that's playing a big part in all this. 

not crooked - i don't know exactly why that term came to mind yesterday, but i do know it fits exactly with where i live, who i live with.  altho i can't talk to her about her father (one of the cheaters), she does accept me as i go thru these wounds, attend to them, dress them, cut out the poison.   that's what has been encouraging healing.

and where we live - it's so beautiful, surrounded by trees, birds, ocean sounds, it's quiet, we have the best neighbors ever - it's conducive to smiling and being all right.  there's respect and caring and acceptance in my home and outside - my environment and living conditions have never been this straightforward before.  they invite me to be just me.  it's a wondrous feeling, but it's been a little tough to get used to.

and, it's absolutely what i need just now.  so little stress - that's the key to it all for me.  we've been here 8 1/2 mos. now and it's beginning to unravel me, but in a good way.  i've been so twisted for so long.  crooked cuz of who i lived with, what the circumstances were like that were going on around me.  things are beginning, just a little, but it's a beginning, to straighten out. 

i can sit and watch the birds flitting past the window and feel content.  it's very soft, gentle.  colors and birdsong and wind blowing thru the trees.  dang, i hope we can make it here.  i really never want to leave.  not out of feeling like i've reached a sanctuary, like i did when i got to mexico, but that i've finally found a home.  i want to cry - in all my life, it seems, as many houses as i've lived in, as many times as i believed i was done moving and wanted to stay the rest of my life, i've never quite had this feeling before.  it's in my gut.  enough.

[sanmagic7]

nope, gotta step away again.  i responded to a few posts the past few days, and i started doubting myself, stepping over boundaries, getting too much into my head.  that's not a good thing for me.  i've been going thru enough of my own stuff lately, and i wasn't respecting that.  wish i could do it all.

[Three Roses]

I totally understand the need to step away. I can't respond as much or to as many people on the forum as I want to. We need to take care of ourselves first, it's our Job #1.

But... I'm wondering if this comment...

responded to a few posts the past few days,...  stepping over boundaries,

...refers to the response you gave to my post on my journal. If so I'd like to say this about boundaries.

It's not our job to figure out where others' boundaries are. We would need a crystal ball or a psychic to be able to discern others' boundaries without being told where they are! No, it is the individual's job to set his or her own boundaries and then to monitor them. And, it is then up to everyone to honor each other's boundaries as they have been stated.

In other words, in my opinion, it's impossible to always know where everyone else's boundaries are. It's impossible to honor a boundary that has not been set. But we can honor boundaries that have been pointed out to us.

Again, if you're referring to your reply in my journal, you crossed no boundary, dear San. 

Sorry for taking over your journal temporarily! But this felt important to me to say.  (and I also am interested in hearing from you and others about their opinions on this.)

[sanmagic7]

hey, 3r,

stepping over boundaries - i totally agree with what you said about them.  and, yes, i did feel that i stepped over a boundary by what i said in your journal.

maybe not a personal boundary, but an implied forum boundary about being supportive and not giving advice.  i was in my own head and perspective, and was pretty adamant about how i viewed what you were saying about how you felt about your situation and feelings.  i don't think that was ok - when i get caught up in my own crapola, i tend to get bossy and controlling.

that's what i'm sorry about, and part of what made me know that i need to step away for a bit.  i have to reboot.  i'm all fuzzled up right now, and doing stuff like this is really stressful to me.  it's not you, 3r, not one bit.  i'm glad you came back and reiterated what you believed and why, stood your ground on that, but i also know that can be difficult for people here to do.  it can be distressing, and i absolutely don't want to cause further distress to anyone.  we've all got enough of that just trying to get from one day to the next.

thank you for responding to all this, sweetie.  you are a wonderful part of my life, and i appreciate you so much.  i just need some time to gather myself together.   

[Three Roses]

  understood 

[Blueberry]

nope, gotta step away again.  i responded to a few posts the past few days, and i started doubting myself, stepping over boundaries, getting too much into my head.  that's not a good thing for me.  i've been going thru enough of my own stuff lately, and i wasn't respecting that.  wish i could do it all.

hey san, I think it's good you're recognising that you need to step away for you. I think if we could "do it all" we wouldn't be here at all, we wouldn't have cptsd. Take care

[Anjulie]

"maybe not a personal boundary, but an implied forum boundary about being supportive and not giving advice.  i was in my own head and perspective, and was pretty adamant about how i viewed what you were saying about how you felt about your situation and feelings.  i don't think that was ok - when i get caught up in my own crapola, i tend to get bossy and controlling."

Dear San, I know these thoughts, too. I sometimes tend to give bossy advice, too, at least it feels bossy. And then I'm ashamed.  I think it's good that you are aware about this.

But we do not have to be perfect.

And when I notice bossiness in my tone I can check back. I don't mean your post to 3R was bossy (I haven't read that one).
Take good care of yourself.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi san Hope you're doing OK!

[sanmagic7]

i may have made a mistake in taking on 2 clients for my group.  i'm super nervous beforehand, and so anxious afterwards, wondering if i've said enough, too much, the wrong thing.  it's a mom and 15-yr. old d, and i haven't worked w/ kids for 20 yrs.  things have changed more than i realized.  i added some tech stuff to the process, and i think that makes a difference, but this is a whole different world kids are living in now, and i'm feeling inadequate.

happily, she was going to see a shrink for an eval. after we met today, see if she needs to be on meds for depression, or to check to see if her ocd/anxiety stuff is bad enough to focus on.  but, honestly, i'm feeling out of my realm.  i've been crashing regularly the past 2 1/2 weeks since i started this.  there are 4 sessions to go, but i'm doubting myself as i never have.  don't know how much of this is my own crapola, or how much it's because of the changes that have been going on in the world.
'
probably some of both, but, dang.  i'm exhausted, anxious, doubting myself, low energy, and feeling generally out of it most of the time.  i've also just recently how much stress i've been under since i moved here 9 mos. ago, and it's way more than i bargained for.  the mr., being ill, my d's trip to take care of her father/my ex (which drove me round the bend a few times, stirred up all sorts of stuff that wrecked me), the holidays.  i've gained a bunch of weight not only from eating but from not being able to exercise cuz of being sick nearly 2 mos.  3 doc visits. 

honestly, i just needed to write this out here.  i've even been staying away from here cuz the stress was too much.  i feel like i'm losing so much lately, and as much as i love doing therapy, the thought of losing that, too, is almost too much.  plus, i've been working with my d on her books, and that's always pressure, but, again, something i love to do. 

maybe part of this is also losing another home and hub, plus 2 more girlfriends in the past 3 yrs.  dang, i'm so frickin' tired of this.  seems that's all i can write anymore, is how tired i am.  i get a day or 2 of feeling ok, then it's down the crapper again.  i just want some peace.  ack!

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

San, there's so much I'd like to respond but realise I'm way too exhausted  too. So 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - sending you a hug    Thinking of  you. 
Hope